The Apocalyptic Decluttering Orgasm and How to Have One Now!

Written by Rick Melnyck and Howie Gitlow 2 Comments

Apr 2018

Welcome to the second in our four-part series on divesting things from your life. After reading last week’s post, ‘Managing Relationships by Divesting the Losers from Your Life!’, we hope you now have fewer losers in your life that are stealing your joy and happiness.

Now it’s time to look at decluttering or divesting some of the material things in your life.

Before We Begin, Let’s Discuss Orgasms

Before we talk about decluttering or divesting material things, let’s first talk about orgasms.

According to an article in the Huffington Post, there are 5 types of orgasms a woman can have:

The clitoral orgasm
The vaginal orgasm
The blended orgasm
The ‘coregasm’
The ‘skin orgasm’

We here at Prime Your Pump would like to suggest a 6^th type of orgasm be added…

Yes, you guessed it, the ‘apocalyptic decluttering orgasm’.

Our rationale is that getting rid of material things in your life will affect you in such a positive way due to the money saved, time saved, and stress relieved that it will feel orgasmic to you.

We guess that the Huffington Post isn’t concerned about male orgasms. However, we for one want to know what our options are? Do guys have G spots? Does retrograde ejaculation count as an orgasm? Etc…

A Quick Note from Howie

Hi guys, Howie here…Like last week, Rick and I wrote this article together. However, unlike last time where we couldn’t agree on a title, this time there was no dispute. When we say, ‘apocalyptic decluttering orgasm’ we mean screaming so loud that the paint peels off the walls. Lucky for Rick, we agreed on a title because I have been practicing my staring since then and would have won the staring contest this time around!

Questions, questions, questions…

First things first, we need to ask you some personal (non-sexual) questions:

Are you really going to lose those 20 pounds, so you can fit back into half of the pants taking up space in your closet? Probably not!

Dude, are you really going to wear those Speedos in your drawer? We hope not!

Those old Playboy magazines, are you really going to read them you perv? Don’t tell us you have them for the articles. No, you don’t. And even if you did, these days everything is archived online.

All those books collecting dust on your shelf, are you really going to read them again? Probably not! By the way, there are these things called iPads and Kindles where you can read books electronically and they will always be there when you want to ‘read them again’. Welcome to the 21^st century. Even Howie has entered the 21^st century and now reads novels exclusively on an iPad.

Why We Keep Material Things Around

There are numerous reasons why we keep material things around, we:

Are emotionally attached to them; they have sentimental value

Think we may need them at some point

Could be trying to keep up with other people (usually those damn Joneses’)

Are psychologically wired to keep stuff a.k.a. we are hoarders

Think we are too busy to engage in the decluttering process

However, we are going to be a bit in your face and challenge those reasons for keeping stuff around with what we think are BETTER reasons to get rid of material things:

Why We Need to Get Rid of Stuff

We can help other people by giving stuff to someone who needs it; a friend, Goodwill, etc.!

How happy do your material possessions make you feel? If you are negative or neutral about something that is not needed, save for legal reasons, dump it.

You will have more time to spend on the things you love, rather than spending time shopping or getting stressed out over material things.

Some people associate their net worth with their possessions. Newsflash, most people don’t give a crap about your possessions. Some do, but they have psychological issues.

It feels good! Just think about how great you feel after you clean and have less crap around the house. And if you haven’t, you are a pig, and you may want to try it!

3 words – apocalyptic decluttering orgasm!

What can I get rid of you ask?

There are all kinds of things you can get rid of…

Here are Some Examples:

Kitchen stuff – Do you really need 20 coffee cups? How often do you have 20 people over drinking coffee at the same time? Same with pots and pans – how many can you use at the same time? They are just taking up space! Go through your kitchen and you will see how much redundancy there is.

Books – Like we said above, all of those books, are you really going to read them again?

Clothes – If your reason for keeping stuff is because ‘oh it will come back into style at some point’, let us educate you with some research done by our Prime Your Pump fashion team. Clothing manufacturers conspire to create fashion trends, so they can sell us more clothes. According to our impeccable research, the average fashion trend occurs every 20 years. So, if you are hanging on to all those hideous jeans because they will be back in style soon, we hate to break it to you, but no they won’t. Plus, with all the hot dogs you are eating, there’s no way they will fit. So, ditch ‘em!

Electronics – Why do you still have your Sony Walkman? How many square diskettes do you have? How many Betamax tapes or records do you have? Get rid of that crap.

Food – is your fridge overflowing with stuff you won’t eat and stuff that is expired?

Old receipts and bills – Do you review your old Target receipts when you are bored? Ditch them!

Magazines – Unless you are intentionally trying to see how much dust you can collect, get rid of them.

Toys – And we aren’t talking about adult toys, no need to get rid of those bad boys. We mean kids toys. Do your kids really need all those toys. We bet there are some needy children that would really enjoy them. Plus, it will teach your kids a good lesson about giving to others.

Towels and linens – How many towels do you really need?

Any many more…we could go on all day!

How to Have a Decluttering Orgasm

We have come up with a few steps on how to have a decluttering orgasm, they are:

Step #1: Eliminate the Root Cause

You wouldn’t have to declutter and get rid of all that crap if you didn’t have it in the first place.

Some people accumulate stuff to keep up with the Joneses’. You know what we say? Nevermind the Joneses’! Sure, they may be salt of the earth people, but what they have or don’t have has nothing to do with us! By the way, we know them quite well, and between us, they aren’t happy at all. Turns out having all those material possessions aren’t helping them either. So, stop trying to keep up with them!

Buying stuff may provide you with instant gratification, but that gratification is fleeting and does not make you happy in the end.

And the truth of the matter is spending money on material things will not make you happier. In fact, according to an article in the New York Times, ‘spending money for an experience — concert tickets, French lessons, sushi-rolling classes, a hotel room in Monaco — produces longer-lasting satisfaction than spending money on plain old stuff.’ The main reason for spending money on experiences is so that you can look back on an experience and reminisce – it gives you a great memory!

And just think of the positive impact not buying all that stuff will have on your bank account? Making more money isn’t the only way to have a bigger bank account, think about spending less!

Here’s a little exercise that will make you think twice about buying material things. Walk around your house and imagine every material thing has a dollar sign on it with how much money you spent on it. Now ask yourself this question, ‘would I rather have that material thing, or would I rather have the amount of money I spent on it sitting in my bank account collecting interest?’

Step #2: Pick a Tool

There are a couple tools you can use to divest the material things in your life:

The 5S Method – If You Have A Closet or Area You Want to Declutter

Here is a great tool to help you declutter and stay decluttered; it is called the 5S method:

Step 1: Sort: Pick a closet or other area you want to declutter and put the stuff in that area into piles such as: throw away, give away, sell, keep, etc. You will find maybe 50% of your stuff falls into one of the first 3 categories.

Step 2: Systematize: Make a place for every item that you want/need to keep. You will find that once you get rid of the crap in Step 1: Sort, you will actually be able to see what you have. Think how much time you will save not looking for stuff that is behind crap you don’t need. It is a HUGE time saver. IT WILL GIVE YOU AN APOCALYPTIC DECLUTTERING ORGASM!!!!

Step 3: Spic and Span: Clean the area frequently to make sure new crap doesn’t sneak in, and maybe dust a little bit.

Step 4: Standardize: Make the above 3 steps a habit. Research shows it takes an average of 66 days to form a habit (it can take between 18 to 254 days depending on the person). Just think, every time you see your neat and tidy area, you will have a MINI APOCALYPTIC DECLUTTERING ORGASM!

Step 5: Self-discipline: Spread the 5S culture to other areas of your life and get other people who live or work with you to do the 5Ss also. You may get collateral apocalyptic decluttering orgasms.

The 80-20 Rule If You Have a Bunch of Similar Things

We have discussed the 80-20 rule previously, you can use it to declutter too! Simply pick the 20% of the items that you use the most, then divest the other stuff. For example, toys, most kids play with the same crap over and over. So, keep the 20% of the toys they use 80% of the time and give the rest to some kid who is less fortunate and will use them. Your kid probably won’t even realize they are gone!

Step #3: Next, Start Decluttering

Use either the 5S Method or 80-20 rule as explained above and get after it!

Step #4: Have a Decluttering Orgasm

Now that you have done some decluttering, take a moment to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Feel how good it is to be free of all those material things that you have just divested from your life! Go ahead, have that spine-tingling apocalyptic decluttering orgasm, you deserve it and we give you permission. Scream as loud as you can!

Step #5: Go to Home Depot and Buy Some Paint aka ‘The Walk of Shame’

If experience has taught us anything it is that the apocalyptic decluttering orgasm has one potential downfall.

You see, the fact that you screamed so loud may have literally caused the paint to peel off the walls. And seeing as how you have probably decluttered the crap out of your garage, that means you have gotten rid of all the extra paint that was there. So, you are going to need to go to Home Depot and buy some more.

Oops, our bad. We should have probably told you that before you started decluttering.

Oh well, there’s nothing like a fresh coat of paint! Just don’t buy too much this time!

Until next time, keep decluttering, keep having those paint peeling apocalyptic decluttering orgasms and as always…Prime Your Pump!

–Rick and Howie

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2 Replies to “The Apocalyptic Decluttering Orgasm and How to Have One Now!”

Dave Savadge says:

April 24, 2018 at 1:04 pm

Ah, decluttering – a very appropriate topic. I am setting on the back deck writing this as the ruggers have taken over the house – new carpeting being installed after 30 years of kid barf and dog pee on the old green rug that came with the house. Playing “shift the shit” with 30 years worth of crap is forcing us to declutter. I have a room downstairs and my wife has one upstairs where all the “we don’t know what to do with it” winds up. Tomorrow, those rooms will be under attack, with hopefully 50% of the contents identified as “to be disposed of”.

As they say in the old country” “Crap expands to fill available space” and when the space is fulled, then crap finds corners of floor and tops of furniture on which to live.

LET THE SHOVELING BEGIN!!

1. Rick, Bri and Howie says:
  
  April 25, 2018 at 6:02 pm
  
  Lol, that’s a great saying Dave! Happy shoveling! -Rick