This is How to Make New Friends (with Benefits)

I was recently invited to a networking event, which is what inspired me to write today’s post.  I must admit, I am not a big fan of networking events.  To me, they seem contrived and I feel like many people attending have ulterior motives – namely, advancing their career.  It a bit too forced, which turns me off.  But, that’s just me, some of my friends love those types of events and you may too – good for you.

Anyway, it got me thinking about what the self-improvement equivalent of networking is, and it brought me back to my first day of kindergarten – where knowing how to make new friends was very important.

Which brings us to the subject of today’s blog post, how to make new friends.

You are probably wondering about the (with benefits) part of the title above.  ‘Friends with benefits’ for those who are unfamiliar with the term, are people you have sex with without a commitment or romantic relationship.

We will address that term in a little bit.

As a kid, knowing how to make new friends seemed to be easy…

Or at least there were more opportunities to make friends.  From the kids at school to after-school activities such as sports, to whoever lived in your neighborhood.

And as you grew older, there always seemed like there were opportunities to make new friends – from high school classmates to whatever other activities you were into.

College brought a new chance to meet friends, whether it was in the dorms, in class, participating in intramurals or varsity sports – which is where I met most of my friends.  Then there were those friends you met while doing a ‘kegstand’ or playing flip cup at a frat party.

However, After You Graduated from College…

Making friends got a little more difficult for many of us as life got in the way.  From everyone being busy with jobs and romantic relationships with people moving away, to changing interests – making friends got a bit tougher.

Sure, there are some friends that are in your life for the long haul.  But chances are, many of the people who you are friends with changes over your lifetime.  People come, and people go, and that’s just how life is.

Sadly, People Have Less Real Friendships These Days…

According to a study done by a Cornell University sociologist, people have fewer friends nowadays.  In a 2010 survey of 2,000 people, the average respondent had 2.03 close friends which was down from 3 in a study conducted in 1985.

When asked about the cause of the decrease, the researcher, Matthew Brashears posited that even though we still meet the same number of people, we categorize them in different ways. Perhaps part of that has to do with social networks and the fact that we have more online ‘friends’ these days. Although, do we really count Facebook friends as true friends?

 My Dad has always said…

If you have 10 good friends, you are lucky.  Well, it turns out he was pretty close – research shows that you only need 4-5.

Why Knowing How to Make New Friends is important…

There are many reasons for knowing how to make new friends as an adult, with some being:

Social connection is good for your brain

Recent research showed how important social connection is for our brain.  Some economists put a price tag on how valuable our relationships are and how painful it is when they are broken.  They likened volunteering once a week to moving from a salary of $20,000 per year to one of $75,000 per year, seeing a good friend on a daily basis was similar to earning $100,000 more per year, and seeing your neighbors regularly was like earning $60,000 a year more.  Interestingly, on the flipside, when you suffered the loss of a relationship, such as a divorce, it was akin to having your salary being reduced by $90,000!

So, next time you see your good friend, let them know how lucky they are to see you, and vice versa!

Another interesting fact about your social group has to do with the size of your brain.  According to anthropologists, the greatest predictor of the size of your brain is the size of your social group.  Humans, relative to other species, have large brains compared to our bodies and the reason they are big is so that we can socialize. Who knew?!?    

Friendships Are Also Good for This!

Not only is friendship good for you mind, it is also good for your health and it can make you live longer!

According to research out of Harvard, “Social connections…not only give us pleasure, they also influence our long-term health in ways every bit as powerful as adequate sleep, a good diet, and not smoking. Dozens of studies have shown that people who have satisfying relationships with family, friends, and their community are happier, have fewer health problems, and live longer.”

Conversely, a relative lack of social ties is associated with depression and later-life cognitive decline, as well as with increased mortality. One study, which examined data from more than 309,000 people, found that lack of strong relationships increased the risk of premature death from all causes by 50% — an effect on mortality risk roughly comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and greater than obesity and physical inactivity.”¹

You will be more engaged at work

A study done by Gallup shows that women who say they have a best friend at work have been shown to be more than twice as engaged (63%) than those who do not (29%).  In fact, one of the questions in the Gallup Employee Engagement survey asks if you have a best friend at work.  Interestingly, only 2/10 respondents said they had a best friend at work.  By moving from 2/10 to 6/10, Gallup stated that organizations could achieve: 12% more profit, 7% more engaged customers, and a reduction in safety incidents of 36%.

So, if you are a manager, it is in your best interest, your employees best interest, and your customers best interest to encourage friendships at work!

Now that we know about the importance of friendships, let’s take a look at…

How to Make New Friends – Use it or Lose it

On to the making it actionable part of this blog post.  There are some things you will want to keep in mind for how to make new friends as an adult:

Like attracts like

Engaging in activities you like is a good way to meet potential friends as mutual interests can help you connect on something important to both of you. On a personal note, I have met a lot of good friends at the gym who share my similar interest of working out.  I have also met a lot of girls I have dated from the gym. On an aside, Bri’s ‘don’t poop where you eat’ advice, that I never seem to follow, will be discussed in a different post.  And Howie’s advice to call them women instead of girls has fallen on deaf ears as well. Other good places to meet people with similar interests are volunteering, clubs, yoga, school etc.

Diversity is important when making friends

Friends of different ages, nationalities, cultures, and interests can expose you to things you ordinarily wouldn’t be exposed to and they can really change your perspective.

Friendships take effort

Like any relationship, friendships aren’t easy, and you need to work on them. However, anything worth having usually takes some effort.

Schedule time

Life can get crazy, but it is important to make time in your schedule to reach out and nurture your existing friendships.

Don’t be afraid to move on

Sometimes we need to end friendships for a multitude of reasons. People change, interests change, we outgrow people etc etc.  While friendships are important, it is also important to be in quality relationships, so if a relationship turns negative you may need to ditch it.

Know what you want

Time is scarce, and you can’t be friends with everyone. To avoid investing time in a relationship, it is important to know what you want.  One way you can do this is by making a checklist of what’s important to you in a friendship. You can either write it down or make a mental checklist.  Some examples of things you may want out of a friendship are: having someone you can talk to, confide in, do stuff with, go get drunk with, give advice, and make you laugh.

Put yourself out there

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Just like asking someone out on a date, sometimes you need to put yourself out there to become friends with someone.

Sharing personal stuff strengthens the bond

Sharing personal stuff is another way of putting yourself out there. And if you trust the person it will help strengthen the bond as they will know that you trust them enough to tell them something personal.

Accept invites to events

If someone invites you to do something, you may want to think twice before saying no. While it may not be something you are totally interested in, it could turn into a lifelong friendship.

You can learn a lot from Dale Carnegie

One of my favorite books of all time is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie – in my opinion, it is a timeless classic. I’m not going to get into the whole book here, but some of my favorite pieces of advice that he gives in relation to how to make new friends and getting others to like you:

  The importance of remembering names, as it’s the most important sound to that person.
  The power of a smile and how it can make you and others feel wonderful.
  How being genuinely interested in others and their interests rather than focusing on you is a great way to make friends.
  Being a great listener and getting people to talk about themselves.
  The golden rule – do unto others and make people feel important.
  Talk in terms of their interests and show an interest in what they are interested in.

Back to Friends with Benefits…

As promised, let’s address the term ‘friends with benefits’.  The more I think about it, the more I really dislike the term.

I feel like the term ‘friends with benefits’ is a paradox.  Don’t all your friendships have benefits? I mean, why would you be friends with someone if there are no benefits and vice versa.

For me, the word friend isn’t one I throw around loosely. Part of what makes a friendship so special is that there is a two-way commitment to each other.

However, if you define a friend with benefits as someone you are hooking up with without a commitment, are they really your friend in the first place?  Personally, I don’t think so.

And by the way, I am not judging anyone for having sex with someone they are not committed to or in a romantic relationship with. I am just against using the term friend alongside it.

So, perhaps it’s time we stop using the term friend with benefits and instead call it what it really is…someone you are using to get off.

Until next time, thanks for reading, keep making friends (with benefits) and as always…PYMFP!

–Rick

When to Use It:

Here are some areas of your life where the concept of how to make new friends is important:

  Moving to a new city
  When your old friends move away
  When your friends get into relationships
  Starting a new job
  It’s also important to nurture and improve your existing friendships

What Do You Think?

Do you find yourself having a hard time making friends as an adult? Is there any other advice you can add for how to make new friends? Please share in the comments below!

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