How to Be Assertive: The 4 Steps You Need to Know

Jul 2018

This week’s video is about how not to be a doormat or a bully, but rather how to be assertive; that is to make your needs known, without hurting other people.

People who know how to be assertive exhibit assertive behavior by standing up for their rights without violating the rights of others. They tactfully, justly, and effectively express their needs and wants, and opinions and feelings.

An example of how to be assertive is telling your father in law to stop farting in your house because the smell lingers without hurting his feelings

People who exhibit passive (unassertive) behavior are weak, compliant, and, self-sacrificing.

For example, not saying anything to your father and having to inhale his putrid farts that would strip the paint off a wall.

People who exhibit aggressive behavior are self-centered, inconsiderate, hostile, arrogantly demanding. For example, you take a video of him farting and post it to his Facebook page to embarrass him in front of his friends.

Our personal belief system is frequently a major contributor to our unassertive behavior.

Some examples of values and beliefs that can be dysfunctional are to never:

Be selfish,

Make mistakes,

Be emotional,

Second guess people,

Interrupt people,

Complain,

Brag, and so on.

No value system is rational in all situations:

Sometimes you can put your needs above others.

Occasionally you can make mistakes.

Sometimes you can be emotional.

If appropriate, you state your feelings.

If needed, you can ask for help.

Sometimes you can say “no.”

On the positive side,

If you know how to be assertive it leads to more self-respect and happiness.

Assertive behavior is frequently helpful in coping with fear, shyness, passivity, and even anger. Consequently, it is appropriate for a broad spectrum of situations.

Knowing How to Be Assertive Involves:

Stating what is on your mind, asking for things, requesting favors, and generally insisting that your rights be respected as an equal human being.

Stating negative feelings such as complaints, resentment, disagreement, and refusing requests from other people.

Demonstrating positive feelings such as joy or attraction, and giving compliments.

Asking why and questioning authority or tradition, not to rebel, but to assume responsibility for asserting your share of control of the situation.

Starting, participating in, changing, and stopping conversations.

Resolving irritations before you get angry and feel aggressive.

How to Be Assertive – 4 Steps to Assertive Behavior

There are four steps for how to be assertive:

STEP ONE: Identify situations in which you exhibit passive or aggressive behavior.

Answer the following questions:

Do you have difficulty saying “no?” (Yes/No)

Do you see yourself as unassertive? (Yes/No)

Are you depressed? (Yes/No)

Do you have a lot of physical ailments? (Yes/No)

Do you complain about work? (Yes/No)

If you answered “yes” to one or more of the above questions, you may have difficulty being an assertive person.

You will continue to be an unassertive person until you decide to change your behavior.

STEP TWO: Prepare contingency plans that utilize assertive behavior to deal with your most common types of unassertive episodes; for example an I-message.

An “I” message has 4 parts:

A typical format for an “I” message is: “I feel (your emotional state) when (the condition(s) that creates your emotional state)” because it makes me think that (your emotional response to the other person’s behavior), please (what you would like to see changed).

Example: I feel nauseous when you fart in near proximity to me and your grandchildren because it makes us feel that you don’t think we have a sense of smell, please give us more notice that you are going to stink up the room in the future.

STEP THREE: Practice giving assertive responses to your most common types of unassertive or aggressive episodes.

STEP FOUR: Use assertive behavior in actual unassertive or aggressive episodes.

Until next time, behave, be assertive and as always…Prime Your Pump!
–Howie

Use It Or Lose It:

To exhibit assertive behavior, follow the 4 step procedure above for how to be assertive:

(1) Identify situations in which you exhibit passive or aggressive behavior.
(2) Prepare contingency plans that utilize assertive behavior to deal with your most common types of unassertive episodes; for example an I-message.
(3) Practice giving assertive responses to your most common types of unassertive or aggressive episodes.
(4) Use assertive behavior in actual unassertive or aggressive episodes.

When To Use It:

When you find yourself acting either passively or aggressively.

What Do You Think:

In what situations are you not an assertive person? Comment below on what you would do differently after watching this video.

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One Reply to “How to Be Assertive: The 4 Steps You Need to Know”

Dave Savadge says:

July 27, 2018 at 1:08 pm

Excellent video, I watched it twice. Upon reflection, the best example of this type of ‘assertive behavior’ originated with my daughter. I never smoked in the house, always going outside to the back porch or the cement patio. Similarly, at my daughter’s place, I smoked on the balcony or in the front entrance overhang. Once the baby arrived, she politely asked me to take off my shirt and wash hands after finishing a cigarette, as she did not want the smoke smell near the baby. A perfectly reasonable request in my mind, but admittedly something I never would have thought of had she not mentioned it.

But then I took it one step farther. You have heard of a smoking jacket? I invented the smoking shirt, which had to be long sleeved. Here’s how it worked.
– urge for cigarette, take off regular shirt, put on smoking shirt.
– go outside, enjoy cigarette (or two).
– come back in, remove smoking shirt, then wash hands.
– put on regular shirt.
And now I can hold the baby.

So that was almost 4 years ago. Since then I have quit smoking, but I’m sure the smoking shirt still resides somewhere buried away in a closet at her condo. I should probably tell her to toss it in the trash.