Let’s All Try to Agree on How to Disagree!

Growing up in the Great White North, aka Canada, and its frigid weather elements spawned some interesting disagreements with my mother.  I wish I would have known the strategies we are going to discuss regarding how to disagree with someone back then, they would have sure made my life a lot easier!

There were times when I was right. For example, she would tell me that going outside with wet hair after playing hockey would result in my getting sick. I knew it was untrue and would simply say, “that’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!” Which was obviously not the best way of disagreeing as the end result was always the same – me having to wear a “toque” (which incidentally is Canadian for a close-fitting knitted hat).

There were also times she was right – which we will come back to later on!

In the meantime, let’s discuss…

Why We Need to Know How to Disagree

Even though it can be uncomfortable sometimes, it doesn’t have to be that way.

And often times it is critical to be able to disagree if we want to get to the truth and if we want to be able to explore a matter both completely and accurately.

Before we look at how to disagree, let’s first look at…

How NOT to Disagree

We have all had disagreements with others.  There is nothing wrong with disagreeing, as long as we disagree respectfully.

Using statements such as…

  “You are dumb”
 “That is a stupid idea”
 “What the hell are you talking about”
 “That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard”

…is not only harsh but it is rude and disrespectful and is just going to get the other person’s back up and send them into fight or flight mode.

A Better and More Effective Way for How to Disagree

Is to let them know you disagree, but in a respectful and polite way by instead using such statements as:

  “I think there may be another way of looking at it”
  “That may be so, it also may not be so”
  “What do you think about this other possibility?”
  “I am not sure I follow your rationale there”

We are still showing that we disagree in an assertive way, but we are doing it politely and respectfully rather than by being aggressive and off-putting.

Now, saying that you disagree with someone in a respectful manner is not enough.

We need to be able to articulate WHY we disagree, then we can move on to exploring the disagreement in detail.

On that note, let’s agree to explore…

9 Common Reasons That We Can Use to Show Why We Disagree

From our favorite creative and critical thinker, Edward De Bono that we can use when we need to disagree with someone:

(1)  Incorrect Facts or Statements

There are times when we need to disagree because someone has stated a fact incorrectly or made an incorrect statement. For example, my Mom telling me to put on a toque, so I wouldn’t get sick was simply an incorrect fact. The cause of getting a cold or flu is being exposed to numerous viruses and not from going outside with wet hair, sorry Mom but I was right on that one.

(2)  Logic Errors

Sometimes we may need to disagree because someone has said something that contains an error in logic. For example, someone might say that everything else being equal people only vote for tall politicians. But you may come back with everything else is not equal, those politicians have much more experience as well.

(3)  Interpretations of Statistics/Events

In this case, someone sees a statistic or witnesses an event and interprets something as the only possible explanation.

For example, did you know that the per capita cheese consumption in the U.S. is correlated with the number of people who died by becoming tangled in their bedsheets? So, should you assume that eating a ton of cheese means you are going to die by becoming tangled in your bedsheets?

Of course not, the cause of being tangled in your bedsheets is likely caused by other factors such as age, health etc. The lesson here is to be careful not to assume that one thing causes another just because they are correlated (seem to be related to each other).

(4) Selective Perception

This is when someone only looks at, or states facts that support an idea that they already had. The hard part in challenging selective perception is that what they are saying may be true, they have just left other things out and you may have no knowledge of what has been left out. For example, calling someone lazy and pointing out a bunch of examples, but leaving out all the examples of when they worked hard.

(5)  Emotions

When someone disagrees with you based on their emotions, rather than being objective, it is usually easy to tell by the words they are using. Using adjectives like lazy, careless, devious, cunning, barbaric likely shows the person’s opinion is emotional. And once you strip away the adjective, their opinion falls apart. There is nothing wrong with expressing emotions – “This is how I feel about…”  When it gets dangerous though is when emotions enter the logic of an opinion.

(6)  Different personal experiences

Then there are times we disagree because we have had different personal experiences.  When we disagree based on personal experiences, we are not saying our experience is right and the other person is wrong. We are just saying they are different and hence our opinions are different.

(7)  Sweeping Generalizations

Often times we will need to disagree with someone when they make a sweeping generalization trying to imply that a label applies to everything or everyone.

For example, my friend Howie made a snide remark the other day about all Canadian guys wearing banana hammocks (Speedos) on South Beach.  Seeing as how I am Canadian, I was about to disagree – never mind, that is a poor example.

(8)  Extreme Extrapolations

Extrapolation is when you take a trend-forward into the future and assume it will continue.

For example, me saying that my bench press has been going up steadily and that pretty soon I will be bench pressing 700 lbs, which is unrealistic.

As in the case of sweeping generalizations above, we must treat extrapolations with caution. While there may be some truth to them, they rarely work out as thought.

(9)  Certainty vs. Possibility

We have all been in conversations where someone states something as being 100% certain. While being unable to accept their statement as a “certainty”, you are willing to accept it as a “possibility” or somewhere on De Bono’s spectrum between ‘just possible’ and ‘certain’:

Just possible| possible | likely | very likely | probable | most probable | certain

For example, it is just possible that people will be living on Mars in the next 50 years, OR it is most probable that if you go to South Beach right now you will see a Canadian male in a banana hammock.

Different Opinion vs. Disagreeing with an Opinion

Finally, it is important to differentiate between having a different opinion and disagreeing with an opinion. Having a different opinion simply means that you see something differently or choose differently. However, when you disagree, you are saying you have a concern with the truth and you don’t want them to get away with either an untruth or not proving something to be true and you are basing it on one of the 9 reasons above.

Again, Don’t Just Disagree, Make Sure to Spell Out Why You Disagree!

Part of knowing how to disagree is pointing out WHY we disagree, in a respectful way, it allows the other person to understand our point of view which allows us to jointly move on to exploring the issue.

Back to the Time Mom Was Right…

I will never forget the time Mom said, ‘if you lick a metal pole during the winter your tongue will stick to it”.  She was smart enough to utilize #6 above – different personal experiences and said, “when I was a little girl, I licked a metal pole and my tongue got stuck”.

I didn’t believe her and vehemently disagreed based on my own personal experiences, saying that I had licked metal poles before and nothing happened.

In the end, she was right, turns out I wasn’t as smart as I thought I was. I guess when I licked the metal pole it wasn’t cold enough for my tongue to stick to it.

BUT at least I was smart enough to outsource my experiment to prove her wrong to one of my little friends…

Sorry, Timmy!

Until next time, let’s agree on how to disagree, don’t lick frozen metal poles and as always…PYMFP!

–Rick

Use It or Lose It – How to Disagree

Follow the steps below for how to disagree with someone:

  Disagree in a respectful and polite way.

Then utilize one of De Bono’s reasons for disagreeing:

(1) Incorrect Facts or Statements
(2)  Logic Errors
(3)  Interpretations of Statistics/Events
(4)  Selective Perception
(5)  Emotions
(6)  Different personal experiences
(7)  Sweeping Generalizations
(8)  Extreme Extrapolations
(9)  Certainty vs. Possibility

  Don’t just disagree, spell out why you disagree, then you can jointly move on to explore the issue.

When to Use It:

When you need to disagree with someone.

What Do You Think?

Have you utilized any of the reasons we discussed above for how to disagree with someone? Do you have any others that you utilize? Please share in the comments below!

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References

De, Bono. E. (2010). How to have a beautiful mind. London: Vermillion.