4 Easy Ways for How to Break the Ice with Strangers
Have you ever wanted to initiate a conversation with someone but were unsure about how to break the ice? I think we have all been there at some point in time. Even though I am a very outgoing guy, there are still times when I’m not sure of the best way to break the ice. I recently read a really good book by small-talk expert Don Gabor called ‘How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends’. One of the sections deals with how to break the ice. And not long after reading it I had the perfect opportunity to try out what I had learned.
I was flying home to Miami from Toronto after visiting family during the Christmas holidays. Shortly after taking off, I made eye contact several times with the girl across the aisle. We exchanged smiles, and I could tell she wanted me to say something to her, but I think she was a little shy. That’s when I decided to try out one of Gabor’s 4 natural ways for how to break the ice. More on that in a little bit…
Breaking the Ice
Many times, we want to start a conversation with a stranger but are not sure how to break the ice. The problem is that if the other person is in the same predicament then no conversation will take place due to the stalemate taking place.
There are Many Reasons That People Don’t Initiate Conversations
However, the most common reason is fear of rejection. But remember, stepping out of your comfort zone and risking rejection is part of life. And if you think about it, how bad can being rejected by someone you don’t even know be anyways?
But on the Other Hand…
By breaking the ice and being the first one to speak you not only increase your chance of getting positive responses, but you also open yourself up to positive experiences and meeting new people!
And by being the first one to speak up you are able to control the direction of the conversation which shows the other person you are friendly and confident. It also can be seen as a compliment by the other person that you want to engage in conversation with them.
In his book, Gabor provides…
4 Simple Ways for How to Break the Ice
Which we will briefly review:
(1) Use Open and Close-Ended Ritual Questions
One of the best and easiest ways for how to break the ice with someone is to simply ask open or closed-ended ritual questions. Ritual questions are simply questions that give you some background information on the other person that you can use to get to know them and continue the conversation. They are related to the other person’s education, family, background, occupation etc. For example, “where did you grow up?”
You can use either closed-ended ritual questions which require a ‘yes or no’ answer or open-ended ritual questions which inspire the other person to talk.
The best advice Gabor gives in this area is that “closed-ended questions are useful for breaking the ice and finding out some basic facts, but they are more effective when followed with an open-ended question.” 1
The idea is to fish for topics of interest by using closed-ended questions. Then once you have a bite to follow up with open-ended questions.
For example, you may ask someone what they do which is a closed-ended question. Once they respond you can follow it up by asking how they got involved in that line of work.
(2) Drop a spontaneous positive or humorous comment
The second way Gabor recommends for how to break the ice is by making a spontaneous positive or humorous comment regarding something you both observe.
Making a comment on a shared experience is a technique you can use to ignite further conversation. Just make sure to keep it lighthearted and upbeat rather than negative or complaining. The idea is to observe and listen to people and then make a witty or humorous comment to make people laugh.
(3) Be complimentary
Giving another person a compliment followed by a close-ended question is another nice way for how to break the ice with a stranger.
We all like compliments and by following it up with a close-ended question it gives them a chance to give a quick reply. It can also limit the embarrassment some feel when being complimented by a stranger.
For example, “that’s a great dog, what kind is it?”
There are a few do’s and don’ts that Gabor recommends when giving compliments.
DO’s: keep them short and sincere, follow up the compliment with a question.
DON’T’s: be too personal, go too overboard, keep saying the same compliment over and over.
(4) “Hi, my name is…”
The last way that Gabor recommends for how to break the ice is to simply introduce yourself and then follow it up with a question or a comment. It will show you have confidence and are interested in the other person. And the sooner you introduce yourself the better and the more comfortable people will be around you. Again, keep your comments positive and the questions you ask simple and straightforward.
Ah right, back to my story about…
My Flight Back to Miami…
So, the next time me and the girl on the other side of the aisle made eye contact I decided to use my newfound knowledge using one of the ways for how to break the ice. So, I tried making a positive or lighthearted comment. Noticing that she had something in her hands the whole flight that she wouldn’t let go of, I smiled and asked her if it was a Christmas gift.
At that point, she turned away and ignored me for several seconds. I wasn’t sure if she was shy or playing hard to get. Then suddenly she turned back around, and I asked another lighthearted question, “can I have it?”
That was the question that broke the ice as she laughed and said, “no, it’s mine!”.
The woman beside her, her Mom, laughed as well and said: “she’s a little shy at first…”
The rest of the flight, me and her daughter became fast friends as she told me all about her great Christmas.
What was the object in her hands? Yup, a teddy bear!
Kids are the best and always seem to bring a smile to your face.
Until next time, keep breaking the ice and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick
Use It or Lose It – How to Break the Ice
As we just discussed, Gabor offers 4 suggestions for how to break the ice:
(1) Use open and close-ended ritual questions.
(2) Drop a spontaneous positive or humorous comment.
(3) Be complimentary.
(4) “Hi, my name is…” – Introduce yourself.
When to Use It:
When you want to break the ice with a stranger to start a conversation.
What Do You Think?
Have you used any of these techniques to break the ice with strangers? Do you have any others that you use? Please share in the comments below!
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References
1 Gabor, D., 2011. How To Start A Conversation And Make Friends. New York, NY, U.S.A.: Touchstone.
Good advice! People will often introduce themselves and then ask me my name. I do the same and it works. Thanks for the tips!
Hi Eileen, For sure, breaking the ice can be as simple as “Hi, I’m…” Thanks for the comment, Rick
Another good essay, and quite appropriate as I will be attending a convention on the east coast next month. Many of the attendees I know already from past escapades, but there will also be some there who I have not met. Since everyone will be wearing a name tag, it should not be too difficult to start up a conversation. I already know there is one man I need to speak with regarding his recently disposed of collection of Florida material. Since I bought an item from his collection, I want to learn the background information.
Ah, plane trips and speaking of Florida. I distinctly recall one plane ride 30 years ago or so out of Tucson going to Orlando on some airline that no longer exists, having been swallowed up in a merger. The guy across the aisle one row in front of me bitched and moaned to the stewardess about damn near everything, most of which were complete irrelevant pissants. I don’t know whether he was testing her patience or he was being generally obnoxious to everyone. The stewardess looked to be a new hire, quite young, probably working one of her first flights. I could see her upper lip quivering, like she was about to totally lose it. She walked back to the rear of the plane, probably trying to figure out what to do with this schmuck. I decided to follow, and spoke with the lead (experienced) stewardess to explain the situation. The lead said “I will handle this” and went up to the idiot’s seat and gave him a stern lecture about manners and deportment on board a plane. The new gal whispered to me “Thanks so much. I really did not know what to do and I did not want to cause a scene.” When the lead came back, the three of us spent the rest of the time talking about our lives and backgrounds, until time to descend and land. The lead stewardess opened up a storage cabinet, and told me “I’m not supposed to do this, but put these in your carry-on” and gave me two bottles of wine that are supposed to be reserved for the first class passengers.
The new gal was stationed up front near the door as the passengers exited. She was the one tasked with saying “thanks for flying with us, have a nice day”. But to me she altered the comments and added “the crew is overnighting in Orlando”, a somewhat blatant hint. Well, being happily married, I answered “Have a relaxing evening. I’m picking up a rental car and driving to the coast. Have to be at work 7:30 tomorrow.” All of which was true.
Thus ended one of the most interesting flights I ever took. The actions of some grumpy-assed old coot led to a pleasant afternoon at 30,000 feet.
Hi Dave, Hope all is well!! Thanks and thanks for the great story! That’s what you get for doing the right thing and being kind, well done! Be good, Rick