Tactical Empathy: This is How to Use it to Negotiate Better!

I must admit that when my good friend Gabe introduced me to the negotiating technique we will explore today, I was a bit skeptical. My skepticism was due to the fact that it was counterintuitive to what I had been taught. However, after he explained it and after I read more about it in Chris Voss’ book, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It, it made sense and has become a game-changer for me.  The technique to which I am speaking is called tactical empathy. It’s something I have been able to practice and use quite successfully many times. There was also a time where I used it unsuccessfully – let’s just call that a learning experience…we will get to that in a bit.

The Stakes Were High!

It was 1998 and Voss, the top dog of the NYC FBI Crisis Negotiation team, was in the hallway outside an apartment in Harlem where 3 heavily armed fugitives were holed up inside. The problem was that there was no phone in the apartment. So, for 6 hours Voss spoke through the apartment door. “It looks like you don’t want to come out,” ¹ he kept repeating. “It seems like you worry that if you open the door, we’ll come in with guns blazing. It looks like you don’t want to go back to jail.” ¹

After not hearing anyone inside and thinking there may not be anyone in there, Voss and the rest of the team were surprised when eventually all 3 came out with their hands in front of them.

When he asked them why they finally gave in, they all gave the same answer! “We didn’t want to get caught or get shot, but you calmed us down.” ¹ they said. “We finally believed you wouldn’t go away, so we just came out.” ¹

Emotions are the means and not the obstacles

In the past during tense situations like these, the traditional negotiating advice was to not get emotional and keep a poker face – you need to separate people from the problem. The thinking being that emotions were an obstacle to a positive outcome.

But as Voss says, “How can you separate people from the problem when their emotions are the problem?” ¹ Once people get emotional, it is very hard for them to think logically and rationally.

His advice is that rather than ignoring emotions, good negotiators instead identify and influence them.

The idea is to identify the emotions, label them, and then discuss them calmly without getting all bent out of shape.

Emotional Intelligence on Steroids…

…is how Voss describes tactical empathy, and it is how he was able to diffuse the situation in Harlem. Empathy he says is “the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart, and the vocalization of that recognition.” ¹ In other words, it is paying attention to someone, getting them to vocalize how they are feeling and then trying to understand it.

There is nothing worse in a negotiation than to feel the other person isn’t listening to you. It just ends up creating frustration and ill-will and just reduces the likelihood that you will give them what they want.  The reason for this is because most people only worry about themselves and getting what they want out of a negotiation.

Taking empathy to the next level is what Voss calls tactical empathy. Tactical empathy is simply understanding the other person’s mindset and feelings. In addition, it is also identifying what is driving those feelings, so you can move them. (check out a previous post on Other Person’s Viewpoint (OPV))

Utilizing tactical empathy does not mean you are being nice or agreeing with whatever the other person is saying, not at all. What it does mean is that you are making an effort to understand them and get an idea of why their actions make sense to them, so you can influence them.

Now that you have an understanding of their mindset and feelings, it is time to use a tool called…

Labeling

Which is validating and acknowledging whatever emotion that person is feeling and verbalizing it.

Voss did this with the fugitives by identifying their feelings, turning them into words and then in a calm manner repeating them back to them.

What it does is it helps address the underlying emotions the other person has. When labeling negatives, it helps de-escalate them, when labeling positives, it helps reinforce them. According to Voss, “Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction and without judgment. Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts.”

The 3 Steps to Labeling

Voss describes 3 steps when using the labeling tactic:

(1)  Detect their emotional state – ask questions and pay attention to their body language and other cues to figure out how they are feeling. For example, if the other person’s voice changes when you ask about someone there’s a good chance that something is up.

(2)  Label it out loud – once you have identified an emotion you want to highlight, the next step is to label it out loud. Voss recommends never using the word “I” as it gets people’s guard up. Instead use labels that start with words such as, “It seems like…” “It sounds like…” “It looks like…” Starting with a neutral statement usually gets them to respond with more than a “yes” or “no”. If they disagree with your label, Voss says to respond with, “I didn’t say that was what it was. I just said it seems like that.” ¹

(3)  Silence – the last step in labeling is silence. After you have vocalized your label, simply be quiet and listen.

Once you label and bring them out into the open, what will happen is the negative emotions in the other person’s amygdala will soften. According to Voss, “I promise it will shock you how suddenly his language turns from worry to optimism. Empathy is a powerful mood enhancer.” ¹

The key is to dig through everything, and then use labels to identify whatever emotion it is that is driving your opponent’s behavior. Once you do that it will almost always help solve everything else.

What Good is Learning a Skill Without Using It?

About a month ago, after reading Voss’ book for a second time, I decided to test out my newfound tactical empathy skill. Because like anything you need to practice it to get good at it.

I was at the airport for my flight back home to Miami from Toronto waiting to be called for boarding. While waiting, I decided to see if I could get a better seat. My assigned seat was a window seat at the back of the plane. I went online earlier that day and they wanted $40 to change seats, “to hell with that!” I said to myself.

So, I walked up and was in line behind a couple who were clearly upset. So much so that they were giving the gate agent a really hard time. After several minutes, they walked away in a huff.

I have no idea what they said but as I approached the gate agent I smiled and whispered so only she could hear it, “Well Merry Christmas to you too!” She smiled and raised her eyebrows.

I then took the opportunity to utilize tactical empathy and labeling.

“It seems like they weren’t exactly happy campers eh?” (I was in Toronto, hence the “eh”)

She said something to the effect of “yeah the flight is full, and we need people to check their carry-ons, so some people are upset.”

“Ah gotcha,” I said. “I’m sure it’s frustrating, but you seem to be handling it well.  Don’t worry I said, I come in peace!”

She laughed and said, “that is good to hear, what can I do for you?”

I said, “I know it’s a full flight, but are there any aisle seats available?”

At that point, she started typing and I kept my mouth shut! (utilizing the silence part of Voss’ strategy)

About a minute later, she printed out a new boarding pass and handed it to me with a smile and said, “I was able to get you a better seat, have a safe flight.”

Did she ever! I ended up in an exit row with more leg room than I could ever use. It was like first-class without the food and booze!

At That Point, I Thought I Was a Tactical Empathy Badass!

So, during the flight, I needed to use the restroom, so I headed to the back. (sadly, my upgraded seat did not have a private bathroom!) There was a baby that wouldn’t stop crying. “Hmmm, I thought to myself”, so I said to her, “It seems like someone isn’t having a good time.”

Little good that did! She kept crying and possibly even louder!

Tactical empathy…it’s a pretty good negotiation tactic.

Baby whispering tactic? Not so much!

Until next time, keep using tactical empathy (except on babies) and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.

Use It or Lose It – Tactical Empathy

To utilize tactical empathy, practice the steps that we discussed above:

(1)  Detect their emotional state by listening to them to understand their position and figure out how they are feeling.
(2)  Label it out loud with words such as, “it seems like”
(3)  Be silent and listen.

When to Use It

When you are trying to understand the other person and how they are feeling when negotiating.

What Do You Think?

Have you ever used tactical empathy or a similar strategy to really try to understand what the other side wants so you can come up with a win-win solution? Please discuss in the comments below!

 If you enjoyed this post, it would mean the world to us if you shared it with people you care about via any of the social media platforms below!

Popular Previous Posts:

How Many of These 54 Rules of Etiquette Do You Know?
This is How to Live a Long Life: The 10 Rules of Ikigai
How to Keep Your Cool with the Siberian North Railroad!
3 Ways to Help You Get in the Zone!

References

1 Voss, C., & Raz, T. (2016). Never split the difference: Negotiating as if your life depended on it (First edition.). New York, NY: Harper Business, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.