How Many of These 5 Essential Questions Do You Ask?

It started out as a commencement speech on how to get more out of life by asking the right questions and it ended up on the NY Times bestseller list. I must admit that I was a little skeptical when I saw the name of the book, which is also one of the 5 essential questions author James Ryan believes you need to ask regularly in your life.

The reason for my skepticism was that the question is one that I attributed to people who weren’t listening. I had typically heard it from younger people who wanted you to repeat something. We will get to that question, which is also the title of the book in a bit.

Back in 2016…

Dean James Ryan of the Harvard Graduate School of Education was asked to give a speech to the graduating class of 2016. The speech was such a hit that within a few days several of his colleagues emailed him to tell him it had gone viral after it was uploaded.

He was then inundated with emails from people from different walks of life all over the country who had found the essential questions he asked in the speech incredibly useful.

The response was so positive that he soon received an offer from an editor of HarperCollins to turn the speech into a book.

After reading the book, I now get what all the fuss is about!

Before we get to the question that created my skepticism, let’s first review 3 suggestions from Ryan with respect to the importance of asking essential questions, and then let’s take a look at the other 4 questions.

Before Getting into the Essential Questions, He Gave 3 Suggestions Which Were…

(1)  Learn how to ask good questions: his advice was to spend time thinking about the best questions to ask, rather than thinking about having answers ready for questions you might be asked. The answer you receive is only as good as the question you ask.

(2)  Try to turn bad questions into good ones: the trick is to distinguish the hostile questions from what he calls the clumsy questions. We will all get hostile questions at some point, which we must beware of and then either ignore or denounce them. The key is to distinguish hostile questions from clumsy questions. Realize that the questioner’s way of asking a question may be how he or she is trying to get to know you better. It also might be due to a mixture of anxiety and ignorance. If you determine the question is an innocent and clumsy one, oftentimes you can turn it into a good one simply by listening and understanding what the other person is trying to ask.

(3) To ask yourself the essential questions below regularly: by asking the following 5 questions on a routine basis, he believes you will have a chance to be happy and successful.

Let’s now take a quick look at…

The 5 Essential Questions Posited by Ryan…

…in both his speech and his bestselling book:

 (1)  I wonder why? and I wonder if?

The first question is aimed at maintaining our childlike curiosity about the world we live in. While the second question is aimed at what we can do to improve the world we live in or can help inspire us to try something new.

When you ask “I wonder why”, you are opening yourself up to hear stories and really understand the world around you. As Albert Einstein once said, “I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.”

When you ask “I wonder if”, it will help you try new things which will result in new experiences and knowledge. Remember, every adventure you have been on and every new thing you have tried has resulted from your asking, “I wonder if”.

As Ryan says, “Put another way, to ask, “I wonder why?” about the present naturally raises the question, “I wonder if” about the future.” ¹

(2)  Couldn’t We at Least?

This question is aimed at helping you get unstuck or getting past a stalemate or disagreement and reach consensus.

Asking “couldn’t we at least?” helps you find common ground. It is a great way for everyone to stop, take a step breath and try to find some areas which everyone agrees on.

When you ask this question you are making an effort to at least try to take some type of action – whether that is looking for agreement or starting to work on something. And many times that is all you need.

(3)  How Can I Help?

Most of us want to help others; it is human instinct. But, on the other hand, we need to be aware of the savior complex where we swoop in as the hero to save others. The problem is that many times we assume what the other person needs help with, and frequently, that assumption is wrong. So, instead of assuming that you know what they need help with, Ryan believes you should ask the experts of their own lives what they need help with.

The other great thing about asking this question is that you are showing the other person respect, which allows them to keep their dignity and independence, while at the same time making your assistance more effective.

(4)  What Truly Matters?

The 4^th question is a big picture one which Ryan suggests can be used in place of New Year’s resolutions, which is “what truly matters to me?”. It’s a great question that you can use whenever you have a big decision to make because it helps you hone in on the heart of the matter while taking your values and convictions into consideration.

It helps you separate the trivial from the important, and helps get you past the insignificant and irrelevant details, so you can focus on the real and significant tasks that need to be completed.

The last question is the one that caught me off guard and made me a little skeptical at first, it’s also the title of Ryan’s book. As I said earlier, the reason being is that I attribute it to those (especially teenagers and millennials) who aren’t paying attention.

However, after watching Ryan’s speech and reading his book, I have to agree with him in it is a GREAT question. And it is extremely flexible, so much so that how you ask it determines what exactly you are asking the other person.

The question?

“Wait, what?”

Let’s briefly review the versatility of how “wait, what?” can be used depending on how you ask it…

  A short “wait”, followed by an elongated “whhhaaaaaattttttt?”

Can be used to show skepticism when another person has asked you to do something and you are suspicious about their motives.

  An elongated “waiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttt”, followed by a short and emphasized “what?”

Can be used to shown genuine incredulity, as if to politely say “are you serious” or “did you actually just say that?” or “What the hell is that about”

A perfect example of something that may make you say “waiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttt what” could be you walking into the kitchen half asleep and seeing your spouse preparing this for breakfast…

The last way you can ask it is really the most valuable way and the way it is asked most often…

(5)  Wait, what?

As in, when you are talking to your kids and someone younger (who are probably on their phone) and all they hear is “blah blah blah…”

Then when they realize that you are serious and want them to do something they all of a sudden perk up and say, “wait, what?”

What they are doing is they are using it for clarification which is the most important and first step toward understanding something.  As Ryan says, “The “wait” that precedes the “what” could be seen as just a useless rhetorical tic. But I think it’s crucial because it reminds you (and others) to slow down to make sure you truly understand.” ¹

There are too many times when we assume that we understand something when we don’t. This leads to our missing the chance to comprehend the significance of an idea or assertion.

By asking “wait, what?” there is a better chance we don’t miss those chances and it also prevents us from jumping to conclusions too soon!

So, the next time you walk into the kitchen and see your spouse preparing this:

While “wait, what?” may very well be a legitimate question to ask, realize you have another 4 questions in your arsenal that you can now use as well!

Until next time, remember you can’t get the right answer if you don’t ask the right essential question and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

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Use it or Lose It – Essential Questions

Ask the 5 essential questions suggested by Ryan:

(1)  “I wonder why?” and “I wonder if?”
(2)  “Couldn’t we at least?”
(3)  “How can I help”
(4)  “What truly matters?”
(5)  “Wait, what?”

When to Use It:

Ask these essential questions whenever appropriate in your life.

What Do You Think?

Do you use any of the essential questions above on a regular basis? Do you have any other essential questions that you find helpful? Please share in the comments below!

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References

1 Ryan, James, E. (2017). Wait, What?: And Life’s Other Essential Questions. HarperOne

https://www.wbur.org/artery/2017/05/15/wait-what-james-ryan

3 https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/16/05/good-questions