5 Regrets of the Dying: How to Avoid Them While You Can!

After many years of drifting from unfulfilling job to unfulfilling job, Bronnie Ware longed for a job that gave her job meaning. Finally, she found one that not only gave her meaning at work but also taught her many important life lessons that she would not have learned otherwise.

Despite having zero experience or formal training, she ended up working in palliative care. The patients she worked with had gone home to spend the final 3 to 12 weeks of their lives. Her job was to take care of them and make them comfortable in their final days on earth.

Spending this much time with them as their primary caregiver led to intimate conversations where they shared life stories with her. Many times this included regrets or things they would do differently. This led her to write a blog post called Regrets of the Dying which went viral so quickly that it was read by over 3 million people around the world.

After many requests, Bronnie turned the blog post and her story into a bestselling memoir called, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

As I said, many of her patients shared regrets they had or things they would have done differently had they been given the chance. Bronnie noticed that time and time again there were 5 regrets that consistently emerged.

The Top Five Regrets of the Dying

Seeing as how I cannot express the advice more eloquently than they can, I will quote one of Bronnie’s patients under each regret. Then, I will follow it up with how we can make it actionable in our own lives.

(1)  I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This regret was the one that was far and above the most common for Ware’s patients. The unfortunate part was that it was also the one that frustrated them the most as they realized it came too late.

Her patient Grace lived her whole life living the way others expected her to  live due to fear and a self-described ‘lack of courage.’

As she told Bronnie:

“Don’t ever let anyone stop you from doing what you want Bronnie…I mean it. Promise this dying woman that you will always be true to yourself, that you will be brave enough to live the way you want to, regardless of what other people say.” ²

Make it actionable:  While none of us want to be selfish, it is important to pursue some of our own dreams along life’s journey. Because once we lose our health, it is too late.

(2)  I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

This regret came from every male patient Bronnie took care of.

One of her patients, John, gave some incredible advice relating to this regret:

“If I tell you one thing about life Bronnie, it’s this. Don’t create a life where you are going to regret working too hard. I can say now that I didn’t know I was going to regret it, until I was at this time facing the very end…If I can leave any good in this world besides my family, I leave these words. Don’t work too hard. Try to maintain balance. Don’t make work your whole life.” ²

Make it actionable:  Many of us spend an inordinate time planning for the future. This oftentimes means postponing our happiness, which assumes that we all have an infinite amount of time left. What’s true is this – all we are guaranteed is today, so enjoy it while you can. By simplifying our lives and making smart choices along the way, we often don’t need the income we think we do.

(3)  I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many of Bronnie’s patients regretted not being able to express their feelings to family and friends so that they could keep the peace with them.

As her patient Joszef expressed in reference to his family as a tear fell down his cheek:

“But they don’t know me. They don’t know me…And I want them to.” ²

Make it actionable: If you have a hard time expressing your feelings, be courageous and express your feelings now rather than regret it down the line. By expressing your feelings and speaking honestly, you are improving the relationship. And if the other person doesn’t like your honesty, you may be divesting an unhealthy relationship from your life.

(4)  I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Most of her patient’s final days came down to two things, love and relationships. Unfortunately, many of them had lost touch with their old friends.

From her patient Elizabeth:

“Don’t lose touch with the friends you value most Bronnie. Those who accept you as who you are, and who know you very well, are worth more than anything in the end. This is a woman speaking from experience…Don’t let life get in the way. Just always know where to find them and let them know you appreciate them in the meantime.” ²

Make it actionable: It is easy to lose touch with good friends due to our seemingly hectic and busy lives. Give you friendships the time and effort they deserve, it will be worth it in the end. Pick up the phone.

(5)  I wish that I had let myself be happier.

The last regret was another surprisingly common one for Bronnie’s patients. It wasn’t until they were on their deathbed that many of them realized that happiness is a choice.

Her patient, Rosemary articulated this regret beautifully to Bronnie:

“I wish I’d let myself be happier. What a miserable person I have been. I just didn’t think I deserved to be. But I do. I know that now. Laughing with you this morning I realized that there was no need at all to feel guilty for being happy…It really is our own choice, isn’t it?” ²

Make it actionable: Be gentle and compassionate with yourself and give yourself permission to be happy. Be grateful for every day and don’t wait for the end result to be happy, enjoy the journey!

Bronnie summarized her experience working in palliative care on her blog extremely succinctly:

“People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.” ¹

I think this statement is amazing in so many ways, particularly the part about all of them finding peace before they departed. It just shows that it is possible and likely to pass in peace if we make the right choices.

It also gives us an opportunity while we are still alive to learn from other’s regrets.

Hopefully, by reading the book or this blog post it will give all of us the opportunity to address any issues we may have in our own lives before it’s too late.

As Bronnie says:

“Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.” ¹

Until next time, enjoy every day and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

Use it or Lose It – Regrets of the Dying

The most common regrets of the dying are as follows:

(1)   I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
(2)  I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
(3)  I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
(4)  I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
(5)  I wish that I had let myself be happier.

When You To Use It

Every day of your life while you still can!

What Do You Think?

Did any of these regrets of the dying resonate with you more than the others? Did any of them surprise you? Will you do anything differently as a result of reading this?  Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

1 https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/

2 The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware