Check Out These 8 Nifty Ways to Say No with Grace!

Do you have a hard time saying NO to others? I can tell you one person who does not have a problem saying no to others, and that is my mentor Howie. And he has quite an ingenious and graceful strategy he uses to say no without saying no.

When someone asks him to do something, instead of saying no without having all the information or instead of saying yes, and not having all the information, he simply says “get me the details.” What happens is that it shifts the responsibility back to them to do the extra work to get him more details. Most times, getting the details is too much work or the person is too lazy, so the problem goes away, and he doesn’t have to be the bad guy. In fact, I used this strategy myself not too long ago and it worked like a charm – more on that later!

While this is a great strategy for when you have to say no, it isn’t appropriate in every situation. For example, if the person does have the details right away you are kinda screwed using Howie’s strategy. But have no fear, we here at Prime Your Pump have got you covered as today’s post will introduce you to 8 more ways to say no with grace.

Why Do We Have a Hard Time Saying No?

A few of the reasons it is so hard to say no are the fear of missing out, the thought that we may burn bridges or the fact that we may piss someone off or even worse… disappoint them!

According to Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, it boils down to us having a hard time at the moment choosing what is essential over what is nonessential.

He believes it comes down to one of two reasons:

(1)  We are unclear about what is essential

“When this happens we become defenseless. On the other hand, when we have strong internal clarity it is almost as if we have a force field protecting us from the nonessentials coming at us from all directions.” ¹

Being clear about what is essential in our lives helps give us the strength to say no to what is inessential.

(2)  We have an innate fear of social awkwardness

As humans, we want others to like us and we are wired to get along with others. And these emotions make us not want to mess up relationships. However, they also cloud our judgment which may make us regret saying yes for a long time, whereas if we said no we may only regret it for a few minutes.

As McKeown says,

“The only way out of this trap is to learn to say no firmly, resolutely, and yet gracefully. Because once we do, we find, not only that our fears of disappointing or angering others were exaggerated, but that people actually respect us more.” ¹

As Warren Buffett says: “Really successful people say no to almost everything”!

Of course, you cannot nor do you want to say no to everything. The key is to be able to say no frequently to whatever is unimportant with grace. That way you will be able to say yes to the things that ARE important.

Guidelines on Saying No

Before we get to the 8 ways to say no, McKeown offers some smart guidelines to help us figure out when to say no:

Separate the Request from the Relationship

Many times, what makes it hard to say no is that we are confusing the decision with our relationship with the person asking it. If we deny the request, we think we are denying the person.

Therefore, if we can separate the decision from the relationship, it can help us make the decision with more clarity.

We Don’t Need to Use the Word ‘No’ to Say No with Grace

While sometimes we need to say no with a blunt ‘no’, there are other times we can refuse the other person assertively and politely without using the word no. The next section will review some more graceful ways to say no without using the word ‘no’.

Think About the Opportunity Cost

As we discussed in a recent post, the opportunity cost is simply the value of the best alternative that was not chosen. In other words, it is what you are sacrificing or giving up by choosing what you choose. By having a clear understanding of what we are giving up, it is easier to say no.

Understand That We All Are Selling Something

Whether it is an idea, viewpoint, or opinion – people are trying to sell you something for your time. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t trust people or be cynical, not at all. It just means that you need to decide whether or not you want to buy what they are selling.

Saying No May Mean Trading Popularity for Respect

There is no doubt that by saying no you may, in fact, piss people off or disappoint them. However, once that pissed-off-ness and disappointment wears off it will likely be replaced by respect. By pushing back assertively and respectfully it shows that our time is valuable.

8 Ways to Say No with Grace

Greg McKeown recommends a repertoire of 8 ways to say no that you can use to say no with grace depending on the situation:

(1)  Use the “awkward pause”

This one involves your using silence to your advantage and obviously, it only works in person. When someone asks you to do something, simply pause and count to 3 before answering.

(2)  The soft “no” or the “no but”

Let’s say someone wants to get together for lunch you can say something like, “I’m right in the middle of tax season and it’s insane (damn that Uncle Sam!) But I would love to get together in a couple of months once it’s over. Let me know if that works.”

(3)  “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.”

This one gives you some time to pause and reflect and think about whether this is a good use of your time. It can help give you time when you feel rushed into decisions to which you can then reply that you are unfortunately unavailable.

(4)  Use email bouncebacks

‘Out of office’ replies aren’t just good for when you are on vacation or out of the office. If you are working on a tight deadline or don’t want to be disturbed just put a message that you won’t get back to them for a certain period of time.

(5)  Say, “Yes. What should I deprioritize?”

This is one you may want to use with your boss. We cannot do everything but many times we cannot say no to our boss or senior leader. Instead, ask what other projects should be deprioritized.

(6)  Say it with humor

There are times when friends have asked me if I want to do something and I reply with an expression or in a tone of voice that while funny makes a point. For example, “hey Rick do you want to run the Miami Marathon with me?” My answer, accompanied by a big laugh, “Helllll no!!!”

(7)  Use the words, “You are welcome to X. I am willing to do Y.”

My mentor Howie uses this one all the time when he has guests coming into town. When people ask him to pick them up at the airport he simply says: “You are welcome to take a cab or Uber and I am willing to pay for it and the party will start when you arrive!” He is saying what he won’t do but also saying what he will do.

(8)  “I can’t do it, but so and so might be interested.”

Our egos many times make us think that we are the exact person someone needs help from when that often isn’t the case. Really all they want is someone to help them and they don’t give a crap who it is!

So, those are McKeown’s 8 ways to say no with grace. You will need to figure out which one makes the most sense for you in your situation.

Get Me the Details!

So, back a year or so ago, after Howie explained how he avoids saying no using ‘get me the details’, I realized something. I realized he had been using it on me ever since I had known him – and most times it worked!

Perhaps a couple of months later, he asked me to do something. To be honest, I cannot even remember what the request was, I just know it was something I didn’t want to say no (or yes for that matter) to at that moment in time.

So, instead, being the good mentee that I am I sent it back onto his side of the court with a simple request:

“Howie, can you get me the details?”

 Until next time, keep using those ways to say no, get me the details, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

Use It or Lose It – Ways to Say No

The 8 ways to say no that you can use to say no with grace depending on the situation recommended by McKeown are as follows:

(1)  Use the “awkward pause”
(2)  The soft “no” or the “no but”
(3)  “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.”
(4)  Use email bouncebacks
(5)  Say, “Yes. What should I deprioritize?”
(6)  Say it with humor
(7)  Use the words, “You are welcome to X. I am willing to do Y.”
(8)  “I can’t do it, but so and so might be interested.”

When to Use It

Use these 8 ways to say no when you need to say no with grace.

What Do You Think?

Do you use or will you use any of these 8 ways to say no? Do you have any other ways to say no with grace? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

¹ Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown