Awkward Conversations: This is How to Respond with TACT!
Perhaps one of the most awkward conversations I have ever witnessed occurred at a holiday party that I attended for work several years ago. A whole bunch of us were at an extremely upscale restaurant on Miami Beach and the waiter was extremely friendly, perhaps too friendly.
The woman beside me was a few months pregnant, so she was showing…a bit. But it was still in that ‘gray zone’ where if you didn’t know you would probably be smart not to say anything.
So, our waiter comes to take our drink orders and when he gets to her they engage in some small talk and he says, “Congratulations!”
She responds with “congratulations on what?”
He kind of motions toward her belly and says “the baby”.
With a totally straight face she comes back with, “oh, I’m not pregnant.”
Well, it was like he saw a freakin’ ghost!
I guess he wasn’t familiar with the TACT model: T stands for think before you speak!
Awkward conversations or moments are something that we have all experienced in our lives at one time or another.
By giving a thoughtful response, we are able to diffuse awkward conversations and the uneasiness that accompanies them.
In his book, How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends, Don Gabor offers a 4-step method for responding to awkward conversations with tact.
The TACT Method for Dealing with Awkward Conversations
TACT is simply an acronym for think before you speak, actively listen, consider the outcome, and tread lightly.
T: Think Before You Speak
The first thing you will want to do when confronted with an awkward conversation is to take a deep breath. This will help you respond to an aggressive challenge, criticism or candid comment by doing two things: (1) it will help you relax as taking a deep breath helps send extra oxygen to your brain and (2) it will prevent you from responding with a knee-jerk reaction that will make things even worse. By being silent for a moment it gives you more time to think about what was said and formulate a proper response.
A: Actively Listen
Second, you will want to make sure you heard what the other person said correctly. This may involve asking them to repeat what they said. It may also involve you paraphrasing what they said to confirm understanding. You may also want to ask them some clarifying questions so that you can better understand their motives, state of mind and implied feelings. This will arm you with additional information and time so that you will be able to formulate your response to achieve your desired outcome.
C: Consider the Outcome
Third, Gabor suggests that you need to figure out what you want to happen following your response. In other words, what are the potential outcomes and which of those do you want? As he says: “Whatever it is, this tactful strategy of considering the outcome allows you to choose the best words and actions to achieve that result.” 1
T: Tread Lightly
Last, it is time for you to speak up, be assertive but not overbearing as that will elicit a negative reaction which is likely the last thing you want. Be assertive to get what you want from the other person, considering their needs. Simply listening to the other person is often enough to diffuse the discomfort that comes along with awkward conversations.
Some Example of Awkward Conversations and How to Address Them
Gabor provides some great examples of awkward conversations and how to handle them. We will review 5 of the more common ones below. Each contains why they are an issue, the preferred outcome and how to respond with tact.
(1) Someone at work wants to draw you into a political debate.
Why it’s an issue: Discussing politics at work is a “no-no”. Politics is a very polarizing topic that can elicit strong opinions and emotions. This can lead to severe disagreements which can cause relationships and career opportunities to suffer.
The preferred outcome: Stay away from political arguments and change the subject.
How to respond with tact: Just say, “I don’t discuss politics at the office”, then change the subject.
(2) Continuous requests for contributions to charities.
Why it’s an issue: There are so many organizations out there that need help, but you cannot help them all!
The preferred outcome: To have people stop asking you for contributions.
How to respond with tact: Simply say: “While I would love to give to every great charity, I cannot, so I have narrowed it down to a select few.”
(3) You ask someone about their recently deceased or divorced spouse.
Why it’s an issue: The last thing you want is to bring up something that has caused someone pain or ignite someone’s venom toward their ex-spouse.
The preferred outcome: To acknowledge the situation and switch topics ASAP.
How to respond with tact: “I’m so sorry to hear about that, I had no idea. How are you doing otherwise?”
(4) Someone gives you unsolicited advice.
Why it’s an issue: While they may mean well, it can be annoying and obnoxious and potentially unrelenting.
The preferred outcome: Show that you appreciate their concern but prevent any further advice.
How to respond with tact: “I wish you would just mind your own damn business!!!” Just kidding! Instead come back with, “I appreciate that you are trying to help me, but I will figure it out on my own.”
(5) One of your friends only calls to complain or ask you for favors
Why it’s an issue: It’s annoying and draining. If you don’t put a stop to it, then it will cause your relationship to suffer.
The preferred outcome: Suppress their complaining and encourage them to take personal responsibility.
How to respond with tact: “Please stop your bitching, you sound like a little baby!” Okay, okay, just kidding again – that’s a bit harsh as well!
Instead, try: “I’m not sure what to say other than you are going to need to figure it out for yourself. I bet there is something positive that’s going on in your life that you can tell me about.”
Back to My Holiday Party…
A couple of minutes later when the waiter came back she said, “I was just messing with you earlier, I am pregnant.”
He probably won’t make that mistake again!
Until next time, use the TACT model to handle awkward conversations, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick
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Practical advice! I will definitely use your suggested response to constant requests for donations from charitable organizations. It is true that it puts you in an awkward situation. You can’t donate to all of them. I do have a select few that are important to me. Thanks Rick
Hi Eileen, Yeah it’s so true, it’s great and necessary to give back but like you say you need to pick your spots as you cannot give to everyone! Be good, Rick
My first thought on your waiter story was that the lady had not yet told anyone that she was pregnant. This waiter saying something upset her because she wanted to wait for a more appropriate time for a formal announcement. So I figured that one out totally wrong.
Tact is the only way to go, especially in group social situations. If the conversation approaches an out-of-bounds subject, shift gears and change the subject. Which is why one should never discuss religion or Trump. Safe subjects for guys to discuss – cars, the local sports team, movies or TV shows, grandkids. Safe subjects for ladies to discuss – – I have no idea, since no one (including my main squeeze) will let me in on the secret.
Sort of reminds me of another saying from the old country – – Better to keep your mouth shut and let everyone think you are an idiot, than to open it and let everyone know you are an idiot.