This is How to Be More Likeable Using the Thread Theory!
Why is it that so many of us are addicted to checking our social media a bazillion times per day? Well, according to human behavior author Vanessa Van Edwards, one of the primary reasons is that “we like to know that our friends and followers both like us and are like us.” 3
Those of you who are on social media are familiar with the concept of “likes”. A “like” is simply an action that you take on Facebook or Instagram. By clicking the “like” button you are quickly showing you approve of or “like” whatever the user is posting.
But what you may not be familiar with is that when “like” someone’s picture or post, whether you are aware of it or not, is making you more likeable to that other person.
“Why is that?”, you ask.
By clicking the “like” button what you are doing is telling them “I like it too!” which also means “I am similar to you.” The reason this happens is that it triggers a digital version of what is called similarity/attraction theory.
So, before we discuss how to be more likeable, which is the subject of today’s blog post, we first need to understand the similarity/attraction theory.
Why Is It That We Like Those Who Are Similar to Us?
As we just said (repetition is the key to learning!), the reason we like those who are similar to us is based on the similarity-attraction theory which says that:
“Similarity/attraction theory posits that people like and are attracted to others who are similar, rather than dissimilar, to themselves; “birds of a feather,” the adage goes, “flock together.” Social scientific research has provided considerable support for tenets of the theory since the mid-1900s. Researchers from a variety of fields such as marketing, political science, social psychology, and sociology have contributed to and gleaned information from empirical tests of similarity/attraction theory. The theory provides a parsimonious explanatory and predictive framework for examining how and why people are attracted to and influenced by others in their social worlds.” 1
Two Researchers, Dr. Ellen Berscheid and Dr. Elaine Walster Believe…
…that we like being with those who are like us for some of the following reasons:
It is easier to be around and get along with those who like engaging in the same activities and conversation topics as we do.
When others agree with us, it makes us feel less alone and more correct with and secure in our own opinions.
Being able to relate to someone strongly makes it more likely that we will be better able to predict how they will behave and make decisions in the future. This gives us a greater feeling of control.
Lastly, we hope that if someone is similar to us that there is a greater chance that they will like and be attracted to us. 2
Me Too! Me Too!
As Van Edwards, author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, says,
“Without realizing it, we are constantly searching for reasons to think, feel, or say, “Me too!”…On the other hand, one of the biggest mistakes I see people make is inadvertently pointing out differences while trying to connect. Whenever you say a version of “Not me!” you are handicapping your connection from the start.” 3
The idea is not to just blindly agree with everything everyone says but rather to make an effort to find similarities and shared interests. So, instead of falling into the “Not me!” hole, figure out a way to say, “Me Too!”
Utilizing the Similarity-Attraction Effect Using the Thread Theory
Van Edwards gives a 3-step process to help us leverage the similarity/attraction theory for how to be more likeable in our lives.
The gist of the thread theory has us looking for threads of commonalities in each of our interactions. Each time we find a thread in common with the other person, the closer it brings us to them and the more likeable we become.
Let’s now look at each of the 3 steps in turn:
The First Step: Looking for Threads
The first thing we have to do to use the thread theory for how to be more likeable is to start looking for threads or commonalities with the other person.
As Van Edwards advises,
“When you first begin in an interaction, I want you to try to tease out some thoughts you both share. The more threads you share, the more you will be able to talk about—and the more ridiculously likeable you will be.” 3
There are 3 types of threads that you can pull from:
(1) People: mutual friends or contacts that you have in common are always a great way to find similar threads.
(2) Context: another type of thread is where you are or what you are doing. The idea is to think about the context that brings you both to the same place or event.
(3) Interests: the last and most obvious type of thread is also the best and that is common interests. Interests are something you both like, share and know a lot about which can spur great conversation and stories that can help create a thread than binds you.
Another strategy you can employ is to look for physical similarities. Perhaps you saw them driving a Jeep and you drive a jeep – boom, instant similarity! Or maybe you observed they have a Cleveland Browns key chain and you are a Browns fan, you can say “Go Browns” – boom instant similarity!
The Second Step: Following the Thread
Now that you have noticed and pointed out similar threads, it is time to explore them. By exploring and following the thread you are making it stronger.
The best way to do this is to ask “why?”
As Van Edwards says,
“Why?” gets you beyond small talk into an exploration of motivations, dreams, and interests. And every why helps you find more threads.” 3
For example, “I am a big Cleveland Browns fan too! Let me ask you, why does someone who lives in Miami, Florida have a Cleveland Browns keychain?” This question will invariably lead to why they are a Browns fan which will not only create an immediate thread but also help you find more threads!
The Third Step: Create a Tie with the Person
The final step in the thread theory for how to be more likeable is an optional one, reserved only for special situations.
After having a good conversation and connecting with someone you can take things to the next level leveraging the common threads that tie you together.
The idea is to tie your abilities to their needs by following the threads to ask them what they need and how you can help.
Every time you offer help, support, and advice, you create a deeper bond with someone and a permanent similarity. 3
Van Edwards herself often ends her great conversations with a single question, even if nothing has come up during the conversation, which is simply:
“Can I help you with anything?”
Again, the last step is optional for a reason! There are many times, for whatever reason, that you won’t want to create ties with someone. And if you do offer to do something for someone make sure it is help that you can give and don’t be a flake who makes hollow promises!
“That’s All Fine and Great” You Say…
…but what about the fact that “opposites attract”? How do you explain Beauty and the Beast?
I explain it like this – it’s a myth!
According to Lilienfield et al in 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology: Shattering Widespread Misconceptions about Human Behavior:
“The “like attracts like” conclusion extends beyond personality to our attitudes and values. The classic work of Donn Byrne and his colleagues demonstrates that the more similar someone’s attitudes (for example, political views) are to ours, the more we tend to like that person (Byrne, 1971; Byrne, London, & Reeves, 1968). Interestingly, this association approximates what psychologists call a “linear” (or straight line) function, in which proportionally more similarity in attitudes leads to proportionally more liking. So we’re about twice as likely to be attracted to someone with whom we agree on 6 of 10 issues as someone with whom we agree on 3 of 10 issues… How did the opposites attract myth originate? Nobody knows for sure…”4
I’m sorry to burst your bubble but you cannot believe everything you read or hear.
So, there you have it, “opposites attract” is as much of a myth as is Julius Caeser being said to be born by caesarian section!
Don’t tell me you believed that one also!
No, you didn’t? Good.
Wait, what’s that you say – you were born by natural birth?
Hey…ME TOO!
Until next time, use the steps above for how to be more likeable, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick
Use It or Lose It – How to Be More Likeable
The three steps process Vanessa Van Edwards gives for how to be more likeable is as follows:
(1) Look for threads (people, context, interests).
(2) Follow the thread.
(3) Create a tie with the person. (optional)
When to Use It
Use these steps for how to be more likeable whenever you are trying to be more likeable.
What Do You Think?
What do you think of these 3 steps for how to be more likeable? Are they ones that you currently use? Do you have any other advice for how to be more likeable? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!
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References
2 Ellen Berscheid and Elaine H. Walster, Interpersonal Attraction (Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley, 1969), 69-91.
3 Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People by Vanessa Van Edwards
4 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology: Shattering Widespread Misconceptions about Human Behavior by Scott O. Lilienfeld, Steven Jay Lynn, John Ruscio, Barry L. Beyerstein
https://thebestschools.org/magazine/25-popular-history-myths-debunked/
Hi Rick. We are still recovering from last week. Anyhow, on to today’s posting. You should know immediately that I do not use social media, nor I do not consider your chat board as such. But your three-step process applies to your board as well. I found your board via a “stream of consciousness” process – googling something I was interested in, then following a link on that page….repeat several times on successive sites, and then you and Howie popped up. And I was hooked. So here I am, and you all are stuck with me.
Joan does use social media, primarily with her cousins and buddies back in Jersey, but also with selected people she has met out here on the left coast. It sure beats telephone calls and letter writing.
Hey Dave, thanks for the comment as always. I was wondering how you found PYP! Well we are very glad and grateful to have you!!! Hope you and Joan had a great time with the family! Take care, Rick