Two Former WH Staffers on Owning Up to Your Mistakes

Imagine that you are working in the White House as the social secretary for the President of the United States.  One of your bosses, the First Lady of the United States Laura Bush, asks you to invite all of the people who were in their wedding party to a private anniversary party.

So, you get a list of names from her personal aide and start making calls to invite people. Since most of them are from Texas you want to give them enough notice so that they can plan their travel arrangements. You call up the Smith’s and invite them to attend, and of course, they are delighted.

The problem is that you soon find out that you invited the wrong Smith’s! Instead of inviting Bob, who was in the wedding party, and his wife, you invited Mike and his wife. After realizing your mistake, you call back Mike to explain and he completely understands your gaffe, but he tells you that he and his wife are still coming.  And you can hardly blame him, it’s not every day you get an invite to the White House! Which is where the owning up to your mistakes part comes in.

The question is, how do you explain this mess to the First Lady?

Before We Get to That…

Let’s first give you some context behind the story. The person who told this story is Lea Berman who was the social secretary at the White House for the Bushes between 2005 and 2007. She along with Jeremy Bernard, social secretary for the Obamas between 2011-2015, co-authored a practical and entertaining book called Treating People Well: The Extraordinary Power of Civility at Work and in Life. The book contains countless stories, tips, and lessons based on their experiences on how to deal with people from all walks of life and how to treat them well.

While their lessons cover everything from how to radiate calm to how to utilize humor and charm to how to handle conflict diplomatically, we will focus today’s post on something that all of us have had to do, and for most of us more than once – which is, owning up to your mistakes.

By taking action and owning up to your mistakes you are letting others know that you have recognized your error and care enough to make it up to them.

Why it’s Important

There aren’t many things harder than acknowledging that we have screwed up!  However, what’s true is that as much as owning up to your mistakes sucks, it feels even worse to do nothing. Being self-aware enough, as we discussed in a previous post, is being able to recognize when you have messed up and then self-management is doing something about it.

4 Key Concepts for Owning Up to Your Mistakes

In Treating People Well: The Extraordinary Power of Civility at Work and in Life, Lea Berman and Jeremy Bernard offer 4 key concepts for owning up to your mistakes.

(1)  Give Yourself Room to Fail

We are all going to make mistakes in life and at work, it is inevitable. The problem that some of us have is that we are so consumed with bad things that ‘may’ happen that it makes us limit ourselves and our potential good outcomes as well.

As the authors say:

“The job of social secretary is one of high stakes and high visibility, and we often found ourselves focused on avoiding the negative (Try not to mess this up!) rather than seeking out the positive (This event is going to be fantastic!). Over time, we concluded that this self-imposed negativism created a distraction from our ability to do our jobs successfully.” ¹

The concept:

So, instead, their advice is to imagine the worst possible that that could happen. If it is ridiculous, then simply dismiss it.  If it is possible, then figure out some concrete steps to make sure it doesn’t. Simply break it down into its component parts and ask others for assistance if need be.

(2)  Apologize Sincerely and Soon

If you have screwed up, the best thing to do is to acknowledge it immediately. Otherwise, the longer a mistake goes unaddressed, the longer the other person will have to wait for an apology and the less likely they will be to accept it.

The concept:

Lea and Jeremy offer 3 suggestions on how to best say sorry based on their years of practice:

(i)  Don’t make excuses: Be contrite, don’t make excuses and don’t try to justify what you did.

(ii)  Don’t rush: Find a quiet place, be mindful of your body language and take your time. If you rush it will make you seem uncomfortable and possibly disingenuous.

(iii)  Be mindful of the words you use: Your words matter, so instead of saying, “I wish it didn’t happen”, which is not an apology, instead say, “Listen, I am sorry if you…” By using ‘if’ it places the responsibility on whomever you are apologizing to rather than yourself, which is how it should be.

(3)  Make Amends

There are times when apologizing in a contrite manner is a great start, but you still need to fix the problem, if possible.

(i)  Accept responsibility: Blaming someone else is the last thing you should do as it wastes time and makes you look selfish. Instead you need to simply accept your role in the situation.

(ii)  Figure out how to make it right: Brainstorm a list of potential solutions, pick one and then get after it.

(iii)  Ask for assistance: There are many people who are too proud and believe asking for help is a sign of weakness. However, asking for and receiving assistance is a sign of strength and a great way to build relationships and trust.

(iv) Pitch in:  If you see a mistake, make every effort to correct it, even if you didn’t make it. Others will notice and who knows, maybe someone will return the favor in your direction one day.

(4)  Let it Go

The final concept is simply letting it go and it works in both directions.

If someone has wronged you or let you down, let it go and let go of the power they have over you. But remember, just because you forgive someone it doesn’t mean you need to forgive what they did to you.

Leaders ask for forgiveness and leaders also give forgiveness as well.

On the other hand, you need to let go of your own mistakes and failures too. Give yourself a little time, then remind yourself that you did your best and simply move on.

Remember, if you keep obsessing over a problem or mistake all you are doing is keeping it alive!

So, How Did Lea Handle the Situation with Mrs. Bush?

According to Lea, this is what she did:

“I went upstairs to tell Mrs. Bush what had happened and to apologize. I told her I wanted to let her know about it as soon as possible. She gave me an amused look and then shrugged her shoulders. “Just invite them both,” she said as if she was surprised that I hadn’t worked that out for myself. I felt foolish—but at the same time I was beginning to understand that my outsized fear of making mistakes was out of sync with the reality of the consequences.” ¹

I’m sure this sounds familiar to a lot of us, we all sometimes make things bigger than they are!

I wanted to end this blog post with one other piece of advice that the authors shared that can apply to many of us in many situations and it is:

“There is one basic rule for how to conduct yourself that fits any interaction, and it’s the underlying principle of this book, act as if the entire world is watching, and you cannot fail to do the right thing.” ¹

Until next time, keep owning up to your mistakes, remember the whole world is watching and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

Use it or Lose It

The 4 key concepts we discussed for owning up to your mistakes above were:

(1) Give yourself room to fail.

(2)  Apologize sincerely and soon.

(i)  Don’t make excuses.
(ii)  Don’t rush.
(iii)  Be mindful of the words you use.

(3)  Make amends.

(i)  Accept responsibility.
(ii)  Figure out how to make it right.
(iii)  Ask for assistance.
(iv)  Pitch in.

(4)  Let it go.

When to Use It

Use these concepts for owning up for your mistakes when you screw up!

What Do You Think?

Do you use any of these concepts for owning up for your mistakes? Do you have any other concepts for owning up for your mistakes? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

¹ Treating People Well: The Extraordinary Power of Civility at Work and in Life by Lea Berman and Jeremy Bernard