How to Set Protective Communication Boundaries in Your Life

Your good friend Michelle is at a family get together and her Aunt Ethel sides up to her and says, “Hey Michelle, you are a cute girl but your good looks aren’t going to last forever, you really should be thinking about marriage, are you seeing anybody? The longer you wait, the less fish there will be in the sea”

So, how does Michelle respond knowing her Aunt Ethel, the busybody that she is, will spread her answer to everyone Michelle does and does not know – and inaccurately no less!

Aha! It is for situations like these that setting boundaries and in this specific case, communication boundaries, are so important.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are limits that we set that help to protect the integrity of our lives.

By setting boundaries we are able to protect almost every treasured aspect of our lives including our time, our relationships, the way we do stuff, our money, our families, our health – just to name a few.

Not only do they help us keep harmful things out while letting positive things in they also help keep us on track by providing a clear moral compass.

Why Have Boundaries?

We can’t nor do we want to do everything or be involved with everyone – boundaries can help give us safety while ensuring we don’t miss out on the positive things.

How to Use Boundaries?

According to Anne Katherine, author of Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day:

“Boundaries can be used in two ways—by limiting the actions of the people who have hurt you, and by including the people who’ve shown themselves to be trustworthy. In other words, boundaries prevent harm and allow benefit.” ¹

By creating and using boundaries, we are able to protect ourselves in specific and mindful ways that limit our exposure to harmful people while growing our contact with those who are enriching to us.

In Her Great Book…

Katherine goes into great detail on the different tools and techniques that are needed to create boundaries in various parts of our lives so that we can make time and have the energy for the stuff that matters.

Reading her book gives great insight into setting boundaries in many areas of our lives – from intimacy boundaries to friendship boundaries to parent boundaries to possession boundaries – to name just a few. She covers almost every type of boundary you can think of and uses real-life examples to show how to make boundary-based choices that balance our needs with the needs of others.

Seeing as How…

…it would be impossible to discuss every boundary she covers in a 1,500-word blog post, I am going to instead focus solely on communications boundaries. We will discuss several of the most common types of communication boundaries and how, according to Katherine, we can ensure that they are healthy ones.

Types of Communication Boundaries

Katherine discusses three of the most common types of communication boundaries that we all face in our day-to-day lives: making a request, responding to a request, and handling questions. We will discuss them one at a time and then provide some techniques she suggests for establishing healthy communication boundaries for each.

(1)  Making a Request

Katherine suggests that when we make a request or ask for something:

  Make it clear and straightforward

If we want something from someone it is imperative that we make a clear and straightforward request.

However, if for whatever reason our current request doesn’t match the nature of our current relationship it is important to acknowledge that fact. For example, if we have some type of lingering issue with someone and want to establish better terms, we need to acknowledge both the current situation as well as what we want to happen in the future.

  Remember that the other person is allowed to say no

Just because we ask for something doesn’t mean they have to do or give it to us. They do have a right to refuse. If this happens, we may still attempt to negotiate to find common ground that ensures both our needs and theirs are met.

(2)  Responding to a Request

Similarly, when someone asks something of us, we are not required to do it. When someone asks us for something or to do something, it is up to us to determine whether it would be good for us to accept it.

As Katherine suggests:

“When someone requests something of you, consider if that’s the best use of your time and energy, and if saying yes can be life-giving to you in some way. If it’s not good for you to do exactly what the other person wants, see if a variation could make it work.” ¹

A few more specific suggestions she gives on how to create healthy communication boundaries when responding to a request:

  Acknowledge their request

The first thing we need to do when someone makes a request of us is to acknowledge it and ask for clarification if we aren’t clear on it. Next, before accepting or denying it, ask yourself if there is a way to modify the request that would benefit both parties. If that is the case, then communicate the proposed changes or set boundaries to their original request.

  Be aware if you have entered a negotiation

She then suggests being aware if you have entered a process of negotiation. In this case, your change may be met with a counteroffer. The key to making the negotiation feel positive is to make sure you acknowledge the change proposed to you before responding with a counteroffer of your own.

  Figure out what’s missing

Lastly, she suggests figuring out what is being left out in a conversation. As she says. “If your reasonable questions go unanswered, or if your boundaries, conditions, or counteroffers are ignored, that is a response. Instead of trying harder, center yourself again, remember what you want, and state it clearly again.”¹ By the way, it is totally cool to let the other person know if they are ignoring what you are saying.

(3)  Handling Questions

You don’t need to answer every single question asked to you. Given the nature of your relationship with the other person, if you deem the question to be inappropriate you don’t need to answer. As Katherine says, “We have sometimes been so schooled in being polite that we sacrifice ourselves on the altar of courtesy.” ¹

When someone asks you an inappropriate question, there are several ways to handle it:

  Respond with a question to them instead.
  Turn the subject to them.
  Take their question to an extreme level.
  Answer their question without revealing any intimate or private information.
  Ask them why they want to know.
  Let them know that you don’t know them well enough to answer.
  Terminate the conversation

Back to Dear Old Aunt Ethel and Her Question…

…about your relationship status – “Hey Michelle, you are a cute girl but your good looks aren’t going to last forever, you really should be thinking about marriage, are you seeing anybody? The longer you wait, the less fish there will be in the sea.”

Let’s use a couple of the options we just learned above to look at some different ways Michelle could respond to her Aunt Ethel.

Option #1: Respond with a question to them instead.

“How about you Aunt Ethel, it’s been a while since Uncle Bob ran away with his secretary, are you dating anyone?” (okay, the part about Uncle Bob and his secretary is for humor purposes only and you probably want to omit it to keep the family peace, the point is to turn the question to her and ask if she is dating anyone)

Option #2:  Terminate the conversation

“Aunt Ethel, do you know where the bathroom is, that pâté really did a number on my stomach.” (again, I’m trying to keep things light here, the idea is to come up with a way to tactfully end the conversation)

Option #3:  Take their question to an extreme level

Lastly, if all else fails, you can take the question to a ridiculous and extreme level, she will get the point. “Yes, Aunt Ethel, I have a lovely octopus on the hook right now!” (sometimes an inappropriate question deserves a sarcastic response)

Until next time, keep setting those communication boundaries, keep fishing and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

Use it or Lose It

Some of the communication boundaries we discussed above were:

  When making a request:

  Make it clear and straightforward.
  Remember that the other person is allowed to say no.

  When responding to a request:

  Acknowledge their request.
  Be aware if you have entered a negotiation.
  Figure out what’s missing.

  Handling inappropriate questions:

  Respond with a question to them instead.
  Turn the subject to them.
  Take their question to an extreme level.
  Answer their question without revealing any intimate or private information.
  Ask them why they want to know.
  Let them know that you don’t know them well enough to answer.
  Terminate the conversation

When to Use It

To help give us safety while ensuring we don’t miss out on the positive things.

What Do You Think?

Do you have problems setting communication boundaries or other types of boundaries in your life? Will you use any of the suggestions we discussed above to set communication boundaries? Please discuss your thoughts in the comments below!

 If you enjoyed this post, it would mean the world to us if you shared it with people you care about via any of the social media platforms below!

Popular Previous Posts:

Colin Powell’s 13 Rules: Leadership Gems from the General!
9 Public Speaking Secrets of the World’s Top Orators
Two Former WH Staffers on Owning Up to Your Mistakes
This is How to Be More Likeable Using the Thread Theory!

References

¹ Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine