Defining Moments: This is How to Create Them for Others!
I’m going to tell the same story twice, once now and once at the conclusion of this blog post and we will see which one is more memorable to you.
In the first version, a family takes a trip for a few days and stays at the Ritz-Carlton on Amelia Island in Florida.
Upon returning home they realize that their little son left his favorite stuffed animal, Joshie, at the resort and was extremely distraught that he would be unable to sleep with his best friend. The parents reassured their son that his buddy was ok and that he was just taking an extra-long vacation. That same night the Ritz called and said they had Joshie. The family asked if the hotel staff could take a photo of Joshie by the pool to confirm their made-up story.
A few days later the family received a package from the hotel that contained Joshie, a photo of him by the pool, and some other Ritz-Carlton branded goodies.
Not bad, right? The Ritz got the kid his stuffed animal back, took a pic as the family asked, and even sent some extra goodies. But, here’s the thing – it could have been better and more memorable.
Well, in fact, it was better and more memorable as you will see in the real version of the story a bit later.
Before we get there, let’s first discuss what’s missing from the first story that could make it even better.
So, what’s missing? As you will see in today’s blog post, the story doesn’t have any defining moments!
We Have All Had Defining Moments Throughout Our Lives
If you think back, I’m sure you can recall various meaningful experiences in your life that stand out in your mind. There is no doubt that many of them have occurred simply by chance – call it fate, luck or the intervention of a so-called ‘higher-power’.
With that being said, you would think that these defining moments are out of our control…or are they?
According to Chip and Dan Heath, authors of a great book that I highly recommend, The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact:
“Defining moments shape our lives, but we don’t have to wait for them to happen. We can be the authors of them. What if a teacher could design a lesson that students were still reflecting on years later? Or what if a manager knew exactly how to turn an employee’s moment of failure into a moment of growth? What if you had a better sense of how to create lasting memories for your kids” 1
What the authors have found through their research is that defining moments share specific elements that make them memorable and meaningful. They have also found that by using these elements we can create defining moments for ourselves to enrich our lives and the lives of others.
Why Are Defining Moments Important?
We all want to try to improve the experiences of those we care about. Whether it is the families that we raise, the children that we teach, or the customers we serve. It is important for us to be able to create memories that matter.
These memories and experiences are the product of peak moments or short experiences that are both memorable and meaningful – they are in essence…defining moments!
The 4 Elements That Produce Defining Moments
According to the Heath’s, defining moments stem from one or more of the following elements which we will discuss below. We will also include some suggestions on how to make them actionable.
(1) Elevation
Moments of elevation are ones that stand out and rise above the normal events in our lives in an extraordinary way which make us feel engaged, surprised, joyful and motivated.
Make it actionable – How to elevate a moment:
(i) Boost sensory appeal
As the authors say, “boosting sensory appeal is about “turning up the volume” on reality.” 1 and doing something that totally sticks out. For example, there is a hotel that has a ‘popsicle hotline’ by the pool where you can call and order a popsicle that is delivered on a silver tray by white-gloved waiters – it is so unusual that many families remember this as a highlight or defining moment of their vacation.
(ii) Raise the stakes
The concept of raising the stakes involves adding in a little productive pressure – perhaps turning something into a game, a deadline, a performance or even a public commitment. For example, a high school in California has history students participate in a mock trial at the end of the semester who call famous witnesses in history to testify in front of a jury of alumni and faculty. These students have found it to be more memorable than prom!
(iii) Break the script
This involves using strategic surprise to completely surpass people’s experience of how an experience will turn out. For example, a football coach stops a monotonous practice in training camp to take the team swimming.
(2) Insight
Creating moments of insight are those times where all of a sudden you have a revelation of something that has the possibility of changing your life. For example, you realize this is the person you are going to marry or perhaps this is what you want to do for your career. As the authors say, “defining moments rewire our understanding of ourselves or the world.” 1
Make it actionable – Help them ‘trip over the truth’
While these moments of insight may be unforeseen, it is possible to engineer them or at the very least create a path for them to happen. For example, back in 2011, Microsoft had just created a cloud computing service which had received negative feedback from customers that it was difficult to use. The guy heading up the project needed a way to let his team understand viscerally how off track they were. So, he called an off-site meeting with his staff and had them use the software the way their clients would. He got them to struggle by ‘tripping over the truth’, which resulted in their understanding the problems and creating a plan to rebuild the product.
(3) Pride
Creating moments of pride have to do with celebrating people’s accomplishments and the authors offer a couple of strategies to deliver pride.
Make it actionable – How to deliver pride
(i) Recognize other people
The authors point out that we dramatically underinvest in recognizing others (80% of employers think they show enough appreciation while only 20% of employees agree). Recognition must be personal instead of programmatic (not Employee of the Month!) The idea is to make it spontaneous to make others feel noticed – “I noticed what you did and appreciate it.”
(ii) Multiply meaningful milestones
Celebrating milestones involves reframing long journeys so they have multiple finish lines. The idea is to take a long-range goal and ask yourself “what steps would be worth surfacing and celebrating along the way?”
(4) Connection
Creating moments of connection are when we share moments with others which help bond us together. Think of victories at work, weddings, vacations, group outings – they are all social and they help us feel unity, empathy, and validation.
Make it actionable – Creating moments of connection
(i) Inviting a shared struggle
When we struggle together on something it helps bond us. Think of a time at work or in another group situation where you went through something tough with someone, odds are it created a bond. However, the authors point out that people must choose to participate, be given autonomy on how to work and be working toward a meaningful mission.
(ii) Connecting to meaning
This involves connecting people to a higher purpose and helping them to connect to why they are doing something.
Joshie the Stuffed Giraffe – The Real Story
Recall from the introduction that a family took a trip for a few days and stayed at the Ritz-Carlton on Amelia Island in Florida. They returned home and realized that their little son left his favorite stuffed animal, Joshie, at the resort. He was distraught that he would be unable to sleep with his best friend. The parents told him a little white lie and reassured their son that Joshie was ok and that he was just taking an extra-long vacation.
That night the Ritz called and said they had Joshie. The family then asked if the hotel staff could take a photo of Joshie by the pool to confirm their little white lie.
Now for the real version of the story! A few days later the family received a package from the hotel that contained Joshie and some goodies like I said in the first version of the story.
But it also contained a binder which chronicled Joshie’s stay at the Ritz. A few of the numerous photos in the binder included…
Joshie by the pool as requested…
One of him getting a massage…
and one of Joshie driving a golf cart…
When it comes to creating defining moments – THAT is how it is done! Bravo to Ritz-Carlton and bravo to the family for sharing the story.
Until next time, keep creating those defining moments and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick
Use it or Lose It
Some ways to create defining moments using the 4 elements that we discussed above were:
(1) Elevation
(i) Boost sensory appeal.
(ii) Raise the stakes.
(iii) Break the script.
(2) Insight
(i) Help them “trip over the truth”
(3) Pride
(i) Recognize other people.
(ii) Multiply meaningful milestones.
(4) Connection
(i) Connection.
(ii) Inviting a shared struggle.
When to Use It
When we want to try to improve the experiences of those we care about.
What Do You Think?
What are some of the defining moments in your life? Can you think of any situations where you may use the strategies above to create defining moments for those you care about? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!
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References
1 The Power of Moments by Chip Heath and Dan Heath
We all have defining moments and we also create them for others. Sometimes these moments would seem insignificant to others but they leave a lasting impression on us. I enjoyed this entry! Thanks Rick.
Hi Eileen, Yeah I think it’s an important concept as people don’t ‘average out’ their minute to minute recollections of an experience but rather they recall peaks and the ending which we can affect. Be good, Rick
Defining moments can be divided into two groups – those you create and those that are thrust upon you. Another way of looking at it is the “Aha factor”. I have never considered anything that occurred at work as being a defining moment. All mine are personal, involving me, my family, and close friends. Maybe that’s because work is transitory, family is permanent.
I knew at age 13 that I had to live on the west coast, which took another 14 years to achieve. I knew in my mid-teens that I must work at jobs that were scientific or technical – who in the right mind wants to sell insurance? I knew in my late teens that my eventual wife must be a blonde – natural, not bottle. I knew in my late 20’s that I needed a retirement plan, which I began immediately. And then Challenger happened, which forced a total re-evaluation. That took me about a year to sort out, but I found another job within the same company (had to move which took some adjustment) and here we set with no debts and zero financial worries for the rest of our lives.
When Joan turned 60, my daughter and I threw her a totally surprise party at a local restaurant. She had no idea what was going on until I walked her in and even then she wondered “Why are all these people here?” She returned the favor, employing two of our friends as decoys, when I hit the big seven-zero. Caught me totally by surprise. Now those were definitely defining moments; I will always remember both fondly.
Hi Dave, Yeah I suppose it depends on your job, some are ripe for creating defining moments and some aren’t. But certainly, creating defining moments in our personal lives can really create special memories for our loved ones as you pointed out with your great stories! Thanks and take care, Rick