Being Assertive: This is How to Make Your Feelings Known

I have this friend, let’s just call her ‘Bambi’ to protect her identity. Anyway, ‘Bambi’ has a habit of making plans with people and then canceling them at the last minute.

There are a few ways I could have handled this with her when she did it to me. But before I tell you how I handled it, here are three potential options that I had:

#1 Potential Response: I could have just let it go fearing the Bambi would get angry if I said anything.

#2 Potential Response: I could have got extremely pissed off, let Bambi know how inconsiderate and selfish she was and proceeded to ask her how she has any friends at all!

#3 Potential Response: I could respond by saying something like: “This is the second time that we have made dinner plans that you have canceled at the last minute. I feel frustrated because I could have made plans with another friend. In the future, I would appreciate if you would let me know ahead of time if you need to cancel. Can you do that?”

The first response is a weak one and would have shown little self-respect on my part as it would be the passive approach.

Next, the second response is a hostile and confrontational one and not a good one, it demonstrates the aggressive approach.

Finally, the third response, despite part of me wanting to use response #2, is the one I chose to respond with as I am an assertive person. It worked and my ‘friend’ was more respectful of my time…for a while.

One thing that my parents taught me at an early age, is the skill of being assertive, which is the topic of today’s blog post.

Why Being Assertive is So Important

There is no doubt that one of the most important people skills that we can have is also one that forms that basis of every successful human interaction. And that people skill is being assertive. At the end of the day, we all want to be treated fairly and if we are not, we need to insist on being treated fairly.

In order to receive fair treatment, the onus is on us to clearly, effectively and tactfully be able to express our feelings, opinions, needs, and preferences. In fact, we not only have a responsibility to ourselves to express our needs, but we also have a responsibility to others so that they can receive the best we have to offer.

As Dale Carnegie Training points out in their great book The 5 Essential People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts:

“Assertiveness is the middle ground between the two extremes of reckless aggressiveness and defeatist passivity. The genuinely assertive person is neither one of these. Aggressive people are self-centered, inconsiderate, hostile, and arrogantly demanding. They drive people away. Passive people are weak, compliant, and disrespectful of his or her own best interests. They also drive others away—except perhaps for aggressive people! Between these two poles, however, are people who know how to make their ideas known without preventing others from doing likewise.” ¹

These are the people who excel at being assertive! With that in mind, let’s now look at…

A 3-Step Message for Being Assertive

While there is a myriad of techniques that I have seen for being assertive out there, most of them are a variation of the following 3-step message taught by Carnegie training:

(1)  Summarize the facts of the situation

The first step is to directly and clearly state the facts. The idea is to state objective facts and leave out anything regarding your worries or feelings, that will come in the second part of the three-step message for being assertive.

(2)  Express your thoughts and feelings

Next, it is time to articulate your worries and feelings. The idea is to be strong and firm, look them in the eye and focus on your objective rather than being resentful of the other person. It is often helpful to use an “I” statement which shows that you are taking responsibility for your feelings.  This may take the form of “I feel ______ because_______.

(3)  Clearly state your wants and needs, including benefits to the other party

Lastly, it is time to state the changes you would like to see made. While you need to articulate the problem that needs to be solved and how it impacts you, you also need to include benefits to the other person if possible.

Other Pointers When Being Assertive

There are a couple of other pointers that need to be utilized when being assertive.

Be mindful of your body language

If you are being insulted or berated it is easy to let your body language reflect how you feel rather than it being expressed with your words. The problem with fidgeting, nodding, shrugging your shoulders or giving an apologetic smile is that they may give the wrong message that you are giving up. Instead, you are better off limiting your body language by sitting/standing up straight and looking the other person in the eye while letting them finish what they are saying.

Speak using active, first-person phrases

As we said in step 2 above, it is important to stand up for yourself by speaking in the first person to state your point of view. The idea is to use sentences like “I understand your point of view…have you thought about?” Or “I would rather do this and this due to the fact”. By using these types of phrases, you are able to stay grounded on the subject at hand while avoiding any personal attacks on others.

Another important point that Carnegie training makes is “While the words I’m sorry might seem to apply, actually they do not. This is an expression of passivity, and you do not want to be in any way passive while trying to stand up for yourself. The same does not apply if you find that you have made a mistake. We should admit any mistake quickly and emphatically.” ¹

Handling Different Reactions

Different people will react differently to your assertive behavior, Carnegie training gives some great tips on how to handle each.

Situation 1: You Meet Simple Aggression

There are times when others may get visibly upset and respond with red faces, raised voices and pounding on the table. In these situations, it is best to refrain from getting sucked into these kinds of behaviors. Instead, don’t apologize or back down. While you may express regret that they are upset, you also need to reaffirm your position.

Situation 2: Passive-aggressive responses

There are other times when people may respond with pouting, making excuses, showing self-pity and even crying.  In these situations, it is ok to be sympathetic, but you cannot back down. Again, you need to simply reaffirm your position and core message firmly without getting sucked into the drama.

Situation 3: Denial

It is also possible that the person you are speaking to may deny everything that you have been saying. They may even accuse you of making up a problem where none exists. These situations can be trying as you are discussing two opposite understandings of reality. They may honestly believe you are totally mistaken. When this happens, Carnegie training advises: “Here it’s appropriate to apologize, in a hypothetical way, for any possible error on your part. Your response should probably sound something like this: “I’ve told you how things looked to me. I can understand if this is different from how things look to you. Based on my perceptions, I need to stand by what I said.” ¹

Situation 4: The Apologizer

At the other end of the spectrum is the person who not only agrees with what you are saying but who offers endless apologies. In these cases, the best response is to let them know apologies aren’t needed (or not needed more than once). You can then reaffirm the fairness and appropriateness of what you have already stated.

One of the most critical benefits of being assertive is the feeling of freedom and self-respect that it gives. There is no reason that anyone should be subjected to being dominated or walked over by others. The only way to ensure that happens is to follow the advice that we have given for being assertive in this blog post.

So, if you have a hard time with being assertive, I sincerely hope that you will take the advice above to heart and enjoy the freedom and self-respect that it brings.

After Things Being Fine with Our Friendship…

…a few weeks ago, Bambi and I made dinner plans for a Thursday evening.

Unfortunately, and at the last-minute last minute, she canceled saying ‘something came up’.

While being assertive is a critical and important skill for all of us to have, there is another skill that we sometimes need to use that I used in that situation.

Hopefully, we don’t need to use this skill that often but sometimes we simply need to move on and divest these people from our lives and send them along with love.

Until next time, keep being assertive, best wishes Bambi and as always…PYMFP
–Rick

P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.

Use it or Lose It

A 3-step message we discussed for being assertive above is:

(1)  Summarize the facts of the situation

(2)  Express your thoughts and feelings

(3)  Clearly state your wants and needs, including benefits to the other party

When to Use It

Use it in situations where being assertive is required.

What Do You Think?

Do you have issues being assertive? Will you use this 3 step message for being assertive? Do you have any other suggestions for being assertive? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

The 5 Essential People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others and Resolve Conflicts by Dale Carnegie Training