Avoiding Arguments: This is How to Avoid Lose-Lose Situations
Have you ever been involved in a passionate argument that seemed like a good idea at the time but later you realized it was pointless? I think we all have. I remember one time I was with two female friends who were having an argument on how to pronounce the word ‘Aunt’, as in my Dear Aunt Sally. According to one, the proper way to pronounce it was ‘ant’ as in the little insect. The other was convinced it was pronounced ‘ont’. They asked me what I thought it was and even though I had always heard it pronounced ‘ant’ as in the insect, there was no way I was going to get in the middle of this argument/budding fight. So, I took the high road and said, “I really don’t know guys, I have heard it pronounced both ways.”
Luckily for me, I had just finished reading about avoiding arguments and took this opportunity to put into practice what I had just learned.
One of My Favorite Books of All-Time…
…is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. In my opinion, it is a timeless classic and I learn something every time I read it.
The first chapter in part three is titled, “You Can’t Win an Argument” and the advice Carnegie gives is what we will be discussing in this blog post.
Most Arguments Result in Lose-Lose Situations!
Carnegie advises that the only way to get the best out of an argument is to avoid it in the first place.
As he says:
“Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right. You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non-compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine.
But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And –
A man convinced against his will
Is of the same opinion still” 1
In other words, it is lose-lose!
Carnegie then goes on to reference a magazine called Bits and Pieces which makes some great suggestions to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument. Although these suggestions were published long ago, their wisdom rings as true today as it did back then.
Avoiding Arguments: 9 Ways to Keep a Disagreement from Becoming an Argument
(1) Welcome the Disagreement
Remember the slogan, “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.” If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.
(2) Distrust Your First Instinctive Impression
Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.
(3) Control Your Temper
Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
(4) Listen First
Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
(5) Look for Areas of Improvement
When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
(6) Be Honest
Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
(7) Promise to Think Over Your Opponents’ Ideas and Study Them Carefully
And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: “We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”
(8) Thank Your Opponents Sincerely for Their Interest
Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.
(9) Postpone Action to Give Both Sides Time to Think Through the Problem
Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions:
Could my opponents be right? Partly right?
Is there truth or merit in their position or argument?
Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve any frustration?
Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me?
Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me?
If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over?
Will I win or lose?
What price will I pay if I win?
Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
(From Bits and Pieces, published by The Economics Press, Fairfield N.J.)
Miraculously My Friends Somehow Settled Their Argument
And surprisingly, they did it without any physical altercation or cars being keyed – ok I’m exaggerating, they aren’t THAT crazy.
I was about to leave, but being the instigator that I am, I could not let a good opportunity to throw gas on a fire go to waste.
So, I said to them:
“Hey guys, you know the thing that covers a building?”, as I pointed to a nearby roof. “What do you call that.”
One quickly responded with “Oh you mean the ‘ruff’?”
As I suspected would happen, the other quickly shot back with “That’s not how it is pronounced, it is pronounced ‘rewf”
“Well, I will leave you guys to figure it out, let me know what you all decide.”
Until next time, keep avoiding arguments (especially stupid ones), I gotta go call my ‘Ant’, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick
P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.
Use It or Lose It
9 ways we discussed for avoiding arguments were:
(1) Welcome the Disagreement
(2) Distrust Your First Instinctive Impression
(3) Control Your Temper
(4) Listen First
(5) Look for Areas of Improvement
(6) Be Honest
(7) Promise to Think Over Your Opponents’ Ideas and Study Them Carefully
(8) Thank Your Opponents Sincerely for Their Interest
(9) Postpone Action to Give Both Sides Time to Think Through the Problem
When to Use It
Use these tips for avoiding arguments in your life whenever necessary.
What Do You Think?
Have you used any of the tips above for avoiding arguments? Will you use any of the new ones you learned? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!
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I agree that there is no point in arguing. The bottom line is that you will still have your own opinion and so will the other person. Some people can never admit that they could be wrong. I think it is a matter of pride and they get quite bent out of shape even if you prove them wrong. As you said, nobody comes out a winner in the end. Thanks Rick
Hi Eileen, Not only will you have your opinion and as will they, but sometimes after listening to them and being open-minded, you may change your opinion because they are correct. Thanks and take care, Rick
I detest arguments. Nobody wins, and both people go away pissed off. Best to just open a bottle of beer, wine, or whatever, and then you both forget about it. Just make sure the pistols are not loaded. It’s always a good idea to avoid police involvement.
Your suggestions are valid and sensible. But people tend to start yelling before thinking. I am guilty of this, although I am starting to mellow quite a bit with age. I am getting to the point where its just not worth the effort to argue.
When you think about it, most arguments deal with absolute trivial shit, like taking out the garbage or doing the laundry. It’s just not worth it.
In order to maintain domestic tranquility, just remember “she is always right even if she is wrong.” Life becomes a lot more peaceful and calm that way.
Hi Dave, Totally agree with you. That’s exactly it, when you step back and think about most arguments, they are usually about what you said – trivial shit. Life is way too short! Have a great one and thanks, Rick