12 Communication Roadblocks: Beware of These Dirty Dozen!

While reading People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts by Robert Bolton, Ph.D., I discovered that there are 12 roadblocks to effective communication. Recently, I was in the sauna at my gym with a good friend of mine and a lovely man who just happened to be a priest.  We were having a nice conversation when my friend accidentally dropped a curse word. Being the great friend that I am, I could not let the moment go and proceeded to say to her, “Wow, Gabby, do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Do you always speak so eloquently in the presence of priests?”

Yup, I was guilty of moralizing – one of the 12 communication roadblocks we will discuss in today’s blog post.

We All Desire Effective Communication, So Why Is It So Hard to Establish?

As Bolton says:

“One of the prime reasons is that, without realizing it, people typically inject communication barriers into their conversations. It has been estimated that these barriers are used over 90 percent of the time when one or both parties to a conversation has a problem to be dealt with or a need to be fulfilled.” ¹

These high-risk responses oftentimes impact communication in a negative way and end up being a destructive roadblock, especially when one or more persons are interacting under stress.

Effects of Communication Roadblocks

The effects of these roadblocks are numerous and varied, they:

  May affect the other’s self-esteem in a negative manner.

  Could trigger defensiveness, resentment, and resistance in the other.

  Could decrease the chances that the other will come up with a solution to their problem on their own.

  May lead to others becoming withdrawn or dependent, or having feelings of inadequacy or defeat.

  Can reduce the chances that the other will express their true feelings.

  Due to their high likelihood of generating these negative results, they can have a damaging effect on relationships.

The 12 Communication Roadblocks

Let’s now take a look at the 12 communication roadblocks devised by Thomas Gordon which he refers to as “the dirty dozen” of communication spoilers. They are divided into three categories: judgment, sending solutions, and avoidance of the other’s concerns:

Judging: The Major Roadblock!

The first four of the 12 communication roadblocks fall into this category: criticizing, name-calling, diagnosing, and praising evaluatively.  There is one thing that each of these has in common and that is you are judging the other person in some way.

(1)  Criticizing

The first of the judgmental roadblocks is criticizing or engaging in a negative evaluation of someone, their actions or their beliefs. Many of us feel we need to be critical of others or else they will never get better.

For example: “You brought this on yourself. No one else is responsible for this train wreck you have got yourself into!”

(2)  Name-calling

Name-calling involves putting someone down or by labeling them with a stereotype. The problem with name-calling according to Bolton is that “Labeling prevents us from getting to know ourselves and other individuals: there is no longer a person before us—only a type.” ¹

For example: “You egghead”, “You are such a dummy”, “All you men are so insensitive!”, “Brat”, “Jerk!”

(3)  Diagnosing

The next of the 12 communication roadblocks is a type of labeling. Diagnosing occurs when we refrain from the substance of what the other person is communicating to instead play emotional detective to figure out why the person is behaving like they are.

For example: “You understand what the real issue is, right?”, or “Just because you attended college, you believe you are smarter than I am”

(4)  Praising Evaluatively

This is when you direct a positive judgment toward someone, their actions or their attitudes. At first glance, this one hardly looks to be a roadblock as praise is seen to be positive. However, as Bolton says: “…positive evaluations often have negative results. Praise is often used as a gimmick to try to get people to change their behavior. When someone with ulterior purposes offers praise, there is often resentment, not only of the effort to control, but also of the manipulativeness experienced.” ¹

For example, “You are such a good boy, I know you will help me wash the dishes later.”

Sending Solutions

The next five of the 12 communication roadblocks fall into the category of sending solutions by ordering, threatening, moralizing, by using questioning or via advising. Some of these carry higher risks than others, and sometimes they are appropriate. But often Bolton says: “sending solutions can erect barriers and can thwart another person’s growth.” ¹  

(5)  Ordering

This is one I am sure we have all experienced and it involves commanding someone to do something that you want to be done. Often this occurs with a message sent coercively and backed using force.

For example, “Eat your broccoli because I said so!”

(6)  Threatening

Using a threat means sending a solution while stressing the punishment that will be incurred should the solution not be implemented. It is trying to control other’s actions via negative consequences they will experience.

For example: “If you don’t eat your broccoli you will be grounded for 2 weeks.”, or “Do it now or else…”

(7)  Moralizing

Moralizing is preaching to someone about what you believe they should do. In essence, you are putting a halo around your solution for others by backing your idea with moral, social or theological authority. The problem according to Bolton is that “Moralizing is demoralizing. It fosters anxiety, tends to thwart honest self-expression, and invites pretense.” ¹

For example: “You should tell her you are sorry” or “I don’t think you should get a divorce, think of what will happen to the kids.” or “Wow, Gabby, do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Do you always speak so eloquently in the presence of priests?”

(8)  Excessive/Inappropriate Questioning

While many types of questions do have their place in communications, there are some questions that bring conversations to a screeching halt.  These include primarily closed-ended questions that can typically be answered in less than a few words.

For example: “What time did you get home last night?”, or “Where were you?”, or “Who were you with?”, or “What did you do?” Etc.

(9)  Advising

Advising simply means giving someone unsolicited solutions to their problems; frequently called “mansplaining” by many women. Bolton believes that many times advice-giving represents what he calls an “interfere-iority complex”. The main problem he says is that: “Advice is often a basic insult to the intelligence of the other person. It implies a lack of confidence in the capacity of the person with the problem to understand and cope with his or her own difficulties.” ¹ An additional problem is that the person giving advice rarely understands the full scope of the problem.

For example: “That’s an easy problem to solve, just…”

Avoiding the Other Person’s Concerns

The final three of the 12 communication roadblocks fall into the category of derailing the train of dialogue by avoiding the other’s concerns.

(10) Diverting

Diverting simply means brushing the other person’s issues aside by distracting them. As Bolton says: “Sometimes people divert a conversation because they lack the awareness and skills to listen effectively. Sometimes they are grabbing the focus of attention for themselves.” ¹

For example, “Don’t worry about it Bob, let’s chat about something else.”, or “And you think you have it bad, ha! Wait until you hear what happened to me!”

(11)  Logical Argument

This roadblock has you trying to convince someone of something by appealing to logic or facts without being considerate of associated emotional factors.  The problem occurs when someone has a problem where feelings are the main issue. By using logic and avoiding emotional involvement, you may be seen as withdrawing from someone at a critical moment and thus alienate them.

For example, “If you looked at the facts, you would see that if you hadn’t bought that new boat, we could have made a down payment on the condo.”

(12)  Reassuring

This one has you trying to prevent the other person from feeling the negative emotions that are occurring. While you think reassuring may be comforting to another person, it often does the opposite. As Bolton points out, “Reassurance is often used by people who like the idea of being helpful but who do not want to experience the emotional demand that goes with it.” ¹

For example, “Don’t worry, it will all work out fine!”, or “Listen, it is always darkest before the dawn.”

Why the 12 Communication Roadblocks are High-Risk

Some of the 12 communication roadblocks above may seem to be innocent and some of them may even be seen as being positive factors in interpersonal communications. So, why do many behavioral scientists see them as being potentially damaging?

Well, according to Bolton:

“These twelve ways of responding are viewed as high-risk responses, rather than inevitably destructive elements of all communication. They are more likely to block conversation, thwart the other person’s problem-solving efficiency, and increase the emotional distance between people than other ways of communicating.” ¹

How to Deal with the 12 Communication Roadblocks

As for how to deal with these 12 communication roadblocks, Bolton offers a useful guideline, which is:

“Whenever you or the other person is experiencing stress, avoid all roadblocks.” ¹

The problem is, that when we are under stress is when we resort to using these high-risk responses.

Once people understand these roadblocks, they often resort to using roadblock #13, which is pointing them out when others are sending them your way. The problem is that this is a perfect example of judging and a poor place to begin when trying to improve your communication.

Instead, reading a blog post like this or Bolton’s book is a good place to start to become aware of roadblocks you may use too often.

Then as Bolton advises:

“You can figure out which roadblock you most want to eliminate and concentrate on eradicating that one. It is difficult and discouraging work at first because roadblocks are habitual ways of responding and it requires time and effort to change any habit.” ¹

He also recommends brushing up on some of the communication skills that we have discussed in previous posts such as effective listening, being assertive, breaking or untangling bad habits, and understanding the other person’s viewpoint, to name a few.

I Know My Friend Wanted to Kick My Butt…

…for calling her out in front of the priest.

But he was a great sport and laughed out loud and said, “No worries at all, I have heard much worse than that!”

“Ah true,” I thought to myself, “He must hear some absolute gems at confession time!”

At that moment Gabby used another of the 12 communication roadblocks herself

“So, what does everyone have planned for the weekend?” she asked to change the subject.

However, I must admit that in this case, diverting was the right thing to do!

Until next time, be aware of the 12 communication roadblocks, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.

Use it or Lose It

To deal with the communication roadblocks we discussed above, use Bolton’s useful guideline, which is:

“Whenever you or the other person is experiencing stress, avoid all roadblocks.”

Also, check out our previous posts on effective listening, being assertive, breaking or untangling bad habits, and understanding the other person’s viewpoint, to name a few.

When to Use It

Use these strategies when you want to avoid the 12 communication roadblocks.

What Do You Think?

Are you guilty of using these 12 communication roadblocks? Did this blog post help you become more aware of some of the things you need to avoid in your day-to-day communications with others? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

¹ People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts by Robert Bolton Ph.D.