How to Overcome Perfectionism aka Man’s Ultimate Illusion

While I am always trying to improve, I would not consider myself a perfectionist, not by a longshot. But there are times when it would be helpful for me to know how to overcome perfectionism.  A case in point, several months ago I left the lights on in my Jeep and by the next day, the battery was dead. This meant I had to call AAA to come to bring and install a new battery which was a complete pain in the butt.

Then for the next several months after that incident, I would find myself walking away after parking somewhere and wondering, “Wait, did I turn the lights off?”. This would lead to me going back and checking, only to find that yes, I had turned them off.

Luckily for me, I soon came across a great book called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by an eminent psychiatrist, David D. Burns, M.D. I immediate zoned in on chapter 14 to learn some of his strategies for how to overcome perfectionism.  More on the strategy I used for my problem in a bit but first let’s hear from Dr. Burns on…

Why “Perfection” Is Man’s Ultimate Illusion

The idea of perfection, according to Burns:

“…simply doesn’t exist in the universe.  There is no perfection. It’s really the world’s greatest con game; it promises riches and delivers misery. The harder you strive for perfection, the worse your disappointment will become because it’s only an abstraction, a concept that doesn’t fit reality. Everything can be improved if you look at it closely and critically enough—every person, every idea, every work of art, every experience, everything. So, if you are a perfectionist, you are guaranteed to be a loser in whatever you do.” ¹

Let’s now take a look at what Burns calls his manual (or methods) for how to overcome perfectionism. He created it after psychotherapists at his lectures and workshops requested a manual of his techniques for how to overcome perfectionism. As he says, these techniques work and there is nothing to fear or lose as the effects are not irreversible.

14 Techniques for How to Overcome Perfectionism

(1)  List out some advantages and disadvantages of being a perfectionist

The first technique for how to overcome perfectionism is simply to make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of being a perfectionist. As Burns says: “You may be surprised to learn that it is not actually to your advantage. Once you understand that it does not in fact help you in any way, you’ll be much more likely to give it up.” ¹

He gave a great example of a client who only listed one advantage which was that it could produce fine work. However, that was overshadowed by many disadvantages such as making her tight, making her afraid to make mistakes, causing her to be unable to relax, and keeping her from trying new things – to name just a few.

(2)  Test out some of your assumptions about the advantages of being a perfectionist

The next idea has you do some experiments regarding some of your assumptions about the advantages. He believes that many of us are successful in spite of our perfectionism and not because of it. As he suggests: “Try this. Choose any activity, and instead of aiming for 100 percent, try to 80 percent, 60 percent, or 40 percent. Then see how much you enjoy the activity and how productive you become. Dare to aim at being average! It takes courage, but you may amaze yourself.” ¹

(3)  Use the Anti-perfectionism sheet

The idea here is to write down the satisfaction you derive from doing any activity. For example: going for a walk, writing a paper for your job, cutting the grass, working out, having sex, and so on. Then write down how perfectly you did each activity on a scale from 0% to 100%. Then write down how satisfying each activity was on a scale from 0% to 100%.

The example he gave was fixing a broken pipe in the kitchen which he gave a 20% for how perfectly he did it as it took him a long time and he made a lot of mistakes. However, he gave it a 99% satisfying because he learned how to do something new! The point is you don’t need to be perfect at something to enjoy it!

(4)  Test whether perfectionism is even realistic?

This one has you questioning whether perfection ever fits reality and whether anything can’t be improved. As he advises: “To test this, look around you right now and see how things could be improved. For example, take someone’s clothing, a flower arrangement, the color and clarity of a television picture, the quality of a singer’s voice, the effectiveness of this chapter, anything at all. I believe you can always find some way in which something could be improved.” ¹

(5)  Confront fear

This next technique involves confronting fear as fear is always lurking behind perfectionism and causes you to polish things to the ultimate. It protects us from failure, criticism or disapproval. This is exactly what happened in my case, the fear of leaving my lights on again and returning to a dead battery. A method he suggested to overcome this type of fear is a simple and obvious one called “response prevention”. The idea is to just refuse to give in to the perfectionist habit and not give in no matter how upset you become. After a while, the compulsion will dissipate until it goes away completely.

(6)  Develop a process orientation

This technique has you focused on the process of getting something done rather than the end result. So, instead of focusing on your final grade the idea is to attend lectures, take notes in class, ask good questions, study ‘x’ amount per day, review your notes, etc.  The result will take care of itself. Remember, life is all about the journey, not the destination (death).

(7)  Assume responsibility by setting strict time limits for one week

The idea is to schedule your day ahead of time and budget time for each activity. Then once the time is up for each activity, stop and move to the next one. As Burns says: “This will help you change your perspective so you can focus on the flow of life and enjoy it” ¹

(8)  Learn to make mistakes

Many perfectionists hate making mistakes. But the truth of the matter is that we learn and grow by taking risks which often lead to mistakes. The suggestion he gives here is to: “Write an essay in which you spell out why it is both irrational and self-defeating to try to be perfect or to fear making mistakes…Then read the essay every morning for two weeks.” ¹ Remember, you learn through mistakes, not successes.

(9)  Identify things you are doing right

Perfectionists often focus on what they are doing wrong. This technique has you recording how many things you are doing right on a daily basis. As Burns predicts: “…you’ll discover that you will begin to focus more on the positives in your life and will consequently feel better about yourself.” ¹

(10)  Expose the absurdity in the all or nothing thinking to your perfectionism

This one has you look around to identify how many things can be broken down into all or nothing categories. For example, are the walls around you perfectly clean? Probably not. Is that person perfectly beautiful? Probably not. The idea is to then when all or nothing thoughts come into your head during the day to think about them and shoot them down!

(11) Use personal disclosure

When you feel inadequate or nervous in a situation, Burns challenges you to point out what you have done wrong instead of covering it up. He then suggests asking people for ideas on how to get better. And if they reject you for being imperfect…let them and move on.

(12)  Focus on a time when you were really happy

His next technique is to have you focus on a point in your life that you were very happy. What are the images that come to mind? Then he tells you to ask yourself, “what was perfect about that experience?” Nothing is ever 100% perfect, so who needs perfection.  As he advises: “How can you use such a happy memory? When you are having a presumably pleasurable experience—eating out, taking a trip, going to a movie etc.—you may unnecessarily sour the experience by making an inventory of all the ways it falls short and telling yourself you can’t possibly enjoy it. But this is hogwash—it’s your expectations that upsets you.” ¹

(13)  Use the “greed technique”

The greed technique has us believe that if we are perfect, we can get ahead in life. But the reality is many times we have already reached the point of diminishing returns and we are better off moving ahead to the next task. As the old saying goes, “perfect is the enemy of good.”

(14) Use simple logic

The last of his techniques is one that uses simple logic and it goes like this:

“Premise one: All human beings make mistakes. Do you agree? Okay, now tell me: What are you? A human being you say? Okay. Now, what follows? Of course—you will and should make mistakes! Now tell yourself this every time you persecute yourself because you made an error.” ¹

So, I Confronted My Fear of Leaving My Lights On…

And I did as Dr. Burns suggested and used “response prevention” by refusing to give in to my perfectionist habit of going back to make sure I turned off my headlights.

He was right, after doing it for about a week it eventually went away.

Then it happened!

A couple of weeks later I came home at night to realize I had left one of the burners on the top of the stove on all day!

The next morning, I left my condo and was waiting for the elevator when a question popped into my head, “Wait, did I turn the burner off?”.

Just then the elevator doors opened with a cute smiling girl on board.

“What burner?”, I said to myself as I got on the elevator.

Until next time, try some of these ideas for how to overcome perfectionism, smile, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.

Use it or Lose It

The 14 techniques for how to overcome perfectionism that we discussed above are:

(1)  List out some advantages and disadvantages of being a perfectionist.
(2)  Test out some of your assumptions about the advantages of being a perfectionist.
(3)  Use the Anti-perfectionism sheet.
(4)  Test whether perfectionism is even realistic?
(5)  Confront fear.
(6)  Develop a process orientation.
(7)  Assume responsibility by setting strict time limits for one week.
(8)  Learn to make mistakes.
(9)  Identify things you are doing right.
(10)  Expose the absurdity in the all or nothing thinking to your perfectionism.
(11)  Use personal disclosure.
(12)  Focus on a time when you were really happy.
(13)  Use the “greed technique”
(14)  Use simple logic.

When to Use It

Use these techniques for how to overcome perfectionism when you want to stop being a perfectionist.

What Do You Think?

Are you a perfectionist? What do you think of these techniques for how to overcome perfectionism? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

¹ Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, M.D.