Handling Difficult Conversations: This is How to Do It!

Lately, it seems that every time you talk to one of your good friends all they want to discuss is their home renovation project. While it was okay at first, now their long stories are not only starting to bore you to tears, but they are also starting to irritate you a little bit.

So, what are you going to do? Are you going to tell them how you feel or are you going to let it be?

Well, ordinarily when faced with such a situation, you would take the easy way out by letting things be so you could avoid having to handle a difficult conversation.

But luckily for you, you just ran into me and I taught you a great 7-step method for handling difficult conversations.

And speaking of handling difficult conversations…

An Interesting Study Showed That It Is Harder to Ask for a Raise at Work Than to Talk About Sex!

Back in 2015, research done in the U.K. by Chartered Management Institute (CMI) listed the top 10 difficult conversations people face.

And interestingly, not only did Brits find it harder to ask for a raise than talk about sex, but it also showed that the top 4 difficult conversations occurred in the workplace.

The top 10 according to the research were as follows:

Pay packets – 33%
Inappropriate behavior in the workplace – 31%
Feedback on poor performance – 30%
Promotions – 23%
Sex – 19%
Relationship breakups – 17%
Family relationships – 16%
Money – 16%
Health – 15%
Letting someone go from a job – 10%

According to Dr. Aziz Gazipura, author of Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent and Saying No, rather than deal with difficult conversations,

“Instead, we fill our minds with excuses and rationalizations. We explain why the other person did what they did, and tell ourselves we need to be more flexible, patient, and relaxed. I should just let it go…” ¹

However, as difficult as it can be, handling difficult conversations is a critical skill to master, because as he says:

“…the quality of your life depends on how many of these uncomfortable conversations you are willing to have.” ¹

We Saw in the Study Above the Importance of Handling Difficult Conversations at Work…

Being able to say what has to be said, speaking out about our problems, and asking people what is happening is a sure-fire way to emerge as a leader. And if you own your own business, handling difficult conversations is essential and can help earn you the trust and respect of your employees while allowing you to create more effective teams.

On the other hand, if you constantly avoid tough conversations, you will never be seen as a leader who can manage challenges and resolve problems.

It is Also Critically Important in Our Relationships

While it is important at work, handling difficult conversations is equally important in our relationships, and as Gazipura points out:

“If you can skillfully talk about sex, money, how to raise your kids, and all the other hot-button topics in a relationship, then you will have an extraordinary relationship. If you cannot, then you will avoid these topics, reduce intimacy, grow distant, and live together-but-separate lives of loneliness and quiet desperation.” ¹

One of the reasons many people fail to speak up is because they don’t have a strategy and are unclear how to do it effectively.

Luckily, Gazipura outlines a clear 7-step approach for handling difficult conversations that have been gleaned from years of research and tested in the field.

7 Steps for Handling Difficult Conversations

The key is to first read them over so that you have a good understanding of them. Then start applying them to different situations in your life that may benefit from a more direct and assertive approach.

As we go through the steps, we will also show how you can use them to deal with your friend who won’t stop talking about their home renovations!

Step 1: I Don’t Like It

The first step is to simply pay attention to your internal response with respect to certain situations. And then instead of dismissing those feelings, acknowledge and honor that response.

For example, your friend’s home renovation stories are starting to bore the hell out of and irritate you, notice that. By noticing your response, it may be an indication that you need to say something.

Step 2: What Do I Want?

The next step as Gazipura says is to,

“…tune into that internal resistance and get curious. Ask yourself: What’s happening here? Why am I upset? And, most importantly: What do I want to be different?” ¹

The idea here is to uncover what you really want. For example, perhaps instead of getting the detailed play by play of your friend’s home renovation, you would rather have them talk about something else, anything else!

Step 3: I Noticed…

The first two steps are essential prerequisites for speaking up.

Now, while you may be a bit pissed off, which is natural, you are better to approach from a curious, neutral stance rather than coming out swinging. The problem with coming at them with accusations and hostility is that they may respond with defensiveness and fighting back. And if that happens, nobody wins.

The idea is to simply point out what you have observed in the conversation.

For example, “I noticed that you have shared a ton of details regarding your home renovation with me.”

By using “I noticed” you are introducing the topic in a curious and neutral way which removes an accusatory tone and lets the other person be more receptive.

Step 4: Reflect

It is now time to make sure that you understand what the other person is trying to communicate as you explore the situation with them. By reflecting on what you are hearing, you can make sure you comprehend it clearly.

One way to do this is by simply paraphrasing what they have said and then adding “is that right?” to the end.

For example, “This home renovation is super important to you and it is helpful to discuss it with someone else, is that right?”

Step 5: Impact

Now is the time for you to let them know how their behavior has impacted you and share your reactions. You need to let them know how you feel. Whether it is angry, disappointed, irritated, annoyed, or sad – you need to let them know that when they do X, you feel Y.

However, it is critical to avoid blaming language that may cause the other person to feel bad or wrong. As Gazipura says, “Instead of blaming, we want to take responsibility for our feelings and simply share what is happening.” ¹

For example, “When you give detailed descriptions of your home renovations, I have a tough time following what you are conveying. It is overwhelming to me and I lose interest and feel less close to you.”

Step 6: Desire

Now that you have communicated the impact, it is time to let them know what you really want.  As Gozipura advises, “Say what you want. Say what you don’t want. Share what you would like to be different in the situation. Find the courage to be more direct and vulnerable, and express what you really want.” ¹

For example, “I would much rather talk to you about more things than your home renovation. I would love to know what other things are happening in your life. It would also be great if I could share some of the stuff that is happening in my life and have you ask me questions about it.”

Step 7: Powerful Agreement

Remember that just because you have articulated what you want, doesn’t mean you are going to receive it! The last step is to simply form an agreement by asking them how that sounds to them. Is it possible to do as you wish? Do they have any questions or concerns? Would they rather do something else?

According to Gozipura: “If someone agrees to do something, and they chose to do so because they wanted to, they’re much more likely to do it. If there is no discussion and they simply agree out of fear, then they’re much more likely to drag their feet, resist, “forget” or otherwise exert their true will.” ¹

For example, “I would much rather talk to you about more things than your home renovation. I would love to know what other things are happening in your life. It would also be great if I could share some of the stuff that is happening in my life and have you ask me questions about it.”

Then wait a moment and say, “How does that sound? Would you be open to that?”

Wrapping Up

Handling difficult conversations with this 7-step process will dramatically increase your ability to speak up. First, by having a structured process, it gives you a sense of certainty which will make it easier for you to take action. Second, using these steps will typically generate better results. And even if you don’t execute all the steps perfectly, you will feel better that you were able to discuss the subject and meet the challenge head-on rather than avoid it.

You Are Thrilled…

…that your friend has agreed not to discuss the home renovations anymore. And you are even more thrilled that they follow through and keep their word the next time you get together for coffee.

Unfortunately, you soon become less than thrilled when in response to you asking them what’s new, they respond with a detailed play-by-play of an intimate encounter they had with their significant other the previous night.

In fact, it is so painfully TMI (too much information) that after a couple of minutes you interrupt and change the subject by asking:

“So, how’s the home renovation going?”

Until next time, keep handling those difficult conversations, be careful what you wish for, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.

Use it Or Lose It

The 7 steps for handling difficult conversations that we discussed above are:

Step 1: I Don’t Like It
Step 2: What Do I Want?
Step 3: I Noticed…
Step 4: Reflect
Step 5: Impact
Step 6: Desire
Step 7: Powerful Agreement

When to Use It

Use these 7 steps for handling difficult conversations in your life.

What Do You Think?

What do you think of these steps for handling difficult conversations? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

¹ Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent and Saying No by Dr. Aziz Gazipura