These Are the 4 Components of the Friendship Formula!

Sep 2019

I was recently reading a New York Times article about unlikely friendships between animals of different species. And it is truly amazing how they used something that is known as the friendship formula to both cultivate and maintain their relationship.

The one relationship that especially caught my eye was between a racehorse named Strong Impact and a pig named Charlie. What’s especially interesting is due to the word the Times used to describe the relationship, and you will see how and why it’s so interesting as you read this blog post:

“Like an old married couple, the two have developed a rapport depending more on proximity, comfort, and routine than on, say, scintillating new experiences.” ²

The Friendship Formula Explained

In his amazing book, The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting and Winning People Over, author Jack Schafer, Ph.D. discusses four basic building blocks that we must all take to develop both short-term and long-term friendships.

Schafer expresses those four building blocks in the form of a formula:

Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity

In terms of the elements of the formula: Proximity is the distance between you and the other person as well as your exposure to them over time. Frequency is measured by the total number of contacts that you have with the other person over time. Duration is the amount of time you spend with the other person over time. Finally, Intensity is how well you are able to satisfy the other person’s psychological and/or physical needs by way of verbal and nonverbal behaviors.

Going a Bit Deeper Into the 4 Components of the Friendship Formula

Let’s now take a closer look at the 4 components of the friendship formula to see how they all build upon each other.

If you think of this in terms of the friendships and relationships in your life, it all makes sense.

Proximity

The idea of proximity is an essential one in all friendships and relationships

As Schafer explains:

“Just being in the same vicinity as your recruitment target is critical to the development of a personal relationship. Proximity predisposes your recruitment target to like you and promotes mutual attraction. People who share physical space are more likely to become attracted to one another, even when no words are exchanged.” ¹

The key to proximity is that it needs to occur in an environment that is non-threatening. If someone feels threatened by someone else getting too close, their “shields go up” and they do whatever necessary to get away from that person. Keeping a safe distance at first prevents others from perceiving us as a threat and thus eliciting a “fight or flight” response.

Frequency

As we said earlier, frequency is simply the number of times that you interact with the other person over time. The idea is that the more instances you see someone or vice versa, the more comfortable you or they become.

Duration

Again, duration is simply the amount of time you spend with someone over time. The more time you spend around someone, the more comfortable you both become.

Another important aspect with respect to duration is that the more time you spend with someone, the more impact you have on their thoughts and actions. Think about parents and their kids. The more time they spend with them the more they are able they are to influence them.

We will get into the frequency versus duration dynamic a bit more in a minute as they are related and play off of each other.

Intensity

Lastly, intensity is defined as how well we can satisfy the other’s psychological or physiological needs through our verbal or non-verbal behaviors.

Schafer explains curiosity, which is one type of intensity, as follows:

“When a new stimulus is introduced into a person’s environment, the brain is hardwired to determine if that new stimulus presents a threat or perceived threat. If the new stimulus is judged to be a threat, the person will attempt to eliminate or neutralize it by employing the fight or flight response. If, on the other hand, the new stimulus is not perceived as a threat, then it becomes the object of curiosity. The person wants to learn more about the new stimulus: What is it? Why is it there? Can I use it to my benefit?” ¹

Frequency Versus Duration

As I said earlier duration and frequency are related in that duration has an inverse relationship with frequency.

Typically, if you see a friend all the time (high frequency), the duration will likely be shorter. But if you don’t see that all that often (low frequency), the duration will be a lot longer. For example, if you see someone a lot it is easier to keep up with what is going on with them. But if you see them only once or twice a year, you will likely spend several hours together catching up on each other’s lives.

Another example that Schafer gives is romantic relationships, especially at the start. The intensity of those relationships is usually high as we want to spend as much time with the other person as possible.

Using the Friendship Formula to Self-Diagnose Relationships

If you look back on various friendships and relationships in your life, you will be able to see how it developed with respect to the building blocks of the friendship formula.

The formula can also be used to analyze and identify elements of a relationship that can be improved. Schafer gives a great example of how a couple that has been in a relationship for several years that is now deteriorating can use it to self-evaluate what may be causing it:

“The first element to look at is proximity. Does the couple share the same space or are they separately pursuing their own goals and rarely sharing physical space together? The second element is frequency. Do they frequently share time together? The third element is duration. How much time do they spend together when they do see each other? The fourth element is intensity, the glue that holds relationships together. The couple may have proximity, frequency, and duration, but lack intensity.” ¹

For example, maybe the couple spends a lot of time together but mostly just watching TV where they aren’t really connecting. One idea they could employ to increase the intensity is to schedule a “date night” every week where they would spend more high-quality time talking to each other and thus re-kindling their feelings for each other.

Another example may be that one of the members of a relationship travels a lot, thus decreasing the proximity element. One way to overcome this hurdle is to leverage technology in the form of texting, chatting, video conferencing, social media and sexting (we won’t judge you!)

Another Way to Use the Friendship Formula

Unfriending people from social media is pretty easy and straightforward but in real life…not so much. However, you can also use the four elements of the friendship formula to extricate yourself from relationships you no longer want to be a part of without hurting feelings and putting an abrupt end to a relationship.

To do this, Schafer recommends that you simply, “…slowly decreasing each of the basic elements of the Friendship Formula…In most cases, the unwanted person will naturally come to the conclusion that the relationship is no longer viable and seek more rewarding interactions.” ¹

“Strangers are what friends are made of.”

This great quote which has been attributed to Colin Hightower really describes the essence of how when we first meet someone, they are a stranger who lies in the middle of the friend-foe continuum.

But now that we know the 4 basic building blocks of relationships, we should be able to turn them into friends (if we wish) by consciously being aware of and manipulating each element to get your desired result. The same thing goes for current ones, we should be able to evaluate and improve them similarly.

After Reading About the Friendship Between Strong Impact Horse and Charlie the Pig…

…I am thinking that Schafer may want to consider a 5^th element to the friendship formula which is “being considerate”.

You see, the story goes on to say that:

“When Strong Impact travels for work, for instance, Charlie stays home, pining for him; when Charlie is outside his stall — among other things, he takes care of his toileting needs away from the barn — Strong Impact tries to herd him back inside.” ²

That’s right, Charlie is such a considerate friend that he does “his business” away from the barn!

Until next time, use the friendship formula to create new friendships and improve existing ones, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.

Use it Or Lose It

The friendship formula contains 4 elements that you can use to build new friendships or self-diagnose issues with current friendships or relationships:

Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity

When to Use It

Use the friendship formula to build new friendships and relationships or diagnose issues with current friendships or relationships in your life.

What Do You Think?

Does the friendship formula make sense when you look at the friendships and relationships in your life? Can you envision using it in the future in your friendships and relationships? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

¹ The Like Switch: The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over by Jack Schafer

2 https://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/05/sports/barnyard-buddies-curl-up-at-belmont.html?mcubz=1&_r=0