This is How to Overcome a Bad First Impression

Today’s post is all about bad first impressions and more importantly, how to overcome a bad first impression.

Let’s face it, many of us have done things in our lives that have caused someone to have a bad first impression of us.  In her great book, No One Understands You and What to Do About It, where she discusses how to overcome a bad first impression, author Heidi Grant Halvorson refers to that bad first impression as Phase 1.

Once you realize that you have messed up and caused a bad first impression on someone, Halvorson says that you need to move them on to the correction phase or Phase 2 where you revise their bad first impression so that it is more accurate.

Speaking of bad first impressions, later on, I have a great joke about a bad first impression!

But before we get to that, let’s take care of some business and learn about some ways to overcome a bad first impression.

The first thing we need to do is understand…

The Importance of Moving to Phase 2 or the ‘correction phase’…

…because according to Halvorson,

“Once in Phase 2, the perceiver will be more likely to take into account the circumstances surrounding your actions (e.g., Maybe she isn’t incompetent…perhaps she’s just new to this kind of task). He or she may consider other likely motives for your behavior (e.g., Maybe he’s not really pretentious…he could be simply trying to appear knowledgeable, and he doesn’t realize how it’s coming across). In Phase 2, perceivers are willing to entertain the possibility that they might have been wrong about you (e.g., I should give him a second chance—not everyone makes a good first impression).” ¹

On to Phase 2…There are 2 Ways to Make it Happen

While making a good first impression is important, it’s almost never too late to overcome a bad first impression.  The key thing is understanding what you are going to need to do to reverse the bad first impression they have of you.

There is no doubt that changing a bad first impression to a good one will take some patience, effort, and mindful planning – but it can be done.

Halvorson offers two broad ways to approach overcoming a bad first impression:

(1)  Overload them with overwhelming evidence

The first way to overcome a bad first impression is to bombard the person with evidence that their bad first impression of you is incorrect.

As she advises:

“In other words, keep piling it on until the cognitive misers can no longer selectively tune it out. The evidence has to be attention-getting because only information that is really inconsistent with their existing impression of you will likely get you noticed. In other words, if you have given someone the impression that you’re aloof and unfriendly, being a little friendlier next time isn’t going to do a damn thing for you—it’s just not going to even register.” ¹

The key idea here is that you need to shoot for extremes.  For example, let’s say you are always late for work and it is royally pissing off your boss.  In order to overload them with overwhelming evidence, just showing up on time likely won’t even register with them.  However, if you show up an hour early every day, that would likely register because it would represent such a big change from the norm.  This would likely make them wonder what’s going on with you and cause them to pay more attention in the coming days and weeks to see if the change lasts.

Not only that but you also need to make things happen a lot!  If your boss thinks you are useless, doing things well once or twice won’t be enough to change their mind as they can simply write it off as a fluke.  However, if you keep kicking butt and repeat your extreme competence, friendliness, non-pretentiousness or whatever else, it will be tough for them to ignore!

(2)  Make them want to change their impression of you

The only problem with the first approach is that it can take time for someone to change their bad impression of you by providing evidence to the contrary, up to 6 months according to Halvorson.  So, if that is the case, you may want to instead go with this second option that involves some clever strategizing on your part.

Halvorson provides a few strategies that can make them want to change their bad impression of you. These can either be used individually or together to stack the odds in your favor even more.

(a)  Activate their egalitarian goal

We all like to think that we are fair and unbiased and that we judge others fairly and treat them accordingly. Psychologists refer to this as having what is known as an egalitarian goal.  Research shows that when this is egalitarian goal is activated it suppresses any biases which we may inappropriately affect how we perceive someone.

The problem is that even if someone has a strong egalitarian goal, they probably aren’t thinking about it while they are judging us.

As Halvorson says:

“After all, you probably want to be egalitarian, but when is the last time you thought to yourself, “I really want to judge this person fairly and accurately, without the use of bias or stereotypes” when you met him or her for the first time? It’s just not something any of us naturally do. So, despite our desire to be unbiased, our egalitarian goal doesn’t become active.” ¹

A couple of ways you can make people aware of their egalitarian ideals are:

(1)  Labeling:

Typically, we conform to whatever labels are given to us. For example, people who are labeled as “generous donors” give more a couple of weeks later when asked for another donation. They likely think to themselves, “well I am a generous donor after all, and this is what generous donors do.” Some of the ways Halvorson suggests doing this is by complimenting the person on their “fairness”, “unbiased assessment”, or “keen perception” when it comes to judging others.

(2)  Reminding them:

The second suggestion Halvorson gives is to remind the person of instances in the past where they have not been fair and unbiased. If we are honest, there have times in all of our lives when we haven’t been fair or unbiased. By recalling these failures, it can make us want to be more fair and unbiased in the present moment. Now you don’t want to call the person out and piss them off, so Halvorson suggests that “Instead of hitting someone with an accusation, try opening up about some of your own challenges with fairness. Tell your own story about a time when you misjudged someone, by letting a stereotype or some other kind of bias get in the way.” ¹ Once you have shared a story perhaps you can gently ask them if something like that has occurred to them.

(b)  Ensure their outcomes depend on you

Possibly the easiest and most direct way to get someone to want to perceive you more accurately is to create some interdependence between you and them.

This strategy is called outcome dependency by psychologists and it takes two forms:

(1)  They Are Going to Need You

Of the two this is the stronger one and it simply means they cannot get what they want without your cooperation. This is an example of why teammates or colleagues take the time to understand the other person’s intentions, challenges, and habits more acutely.

So, if someone has formed a bad impression of you, the idea is to figure out how to increase your mutual interdependence. Perhaps you offer to help them in an assignment or ask your boss if you can work together.  You want to give the other person reasons to see you accurately because they will need your help to be successful.

(2) They Are Going to Have to Deal with You

According to Halvorson, “…when you know that you are going to be seeing and interacting on a regular basis with someone you strongly dislike—when it is absolutely unavoidable—the psychological immune system kicks in to convince you that it won’t be so bad. He isn’t really that awful, right? you say to yourself. Now that I think about it, there was that one time he was sort of OK.” ¹

 So, the idea here is that if you have made a bad impression and simply believe your perceiver hasn’t had a chance to see your good side, try to increase the amount of contact with them. Eventually, the amount of exposure will cause them to learn to like you, even if it kills them!

Speaking of Making a Bad First Impression…

…that reminds me of a joke:

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 30 years in the church. A prominent local politician and member of the congregation was selected to give a speech about the priest at the dinner. Unfortunately, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to address the crowd while they waited for the politician:

“I got my first impression of this church from the very first confession I heard here. I had really thought I had been assigned to an awful place. The very first person who I heard confession from told me he had stolen a TV and, when he was questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with the wife of his boss; slept with his boss’s daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several other several affairs; and was arrested several times for public nudity.

 I was completely appalled that one person would do so many horrible things. But then as the days went on, I learned that the people of the congregation were not all like that and I had, in fact, come to an amazing church full of decent and loving people.”

 Just as the Priest finished addressing the crowd, the politician walked in full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to address the crowd and gave his speech:

 “I will never forget the first day our new Priest arrived 30 years ago,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the supreme honor of being the first person to go see him for confession.”

Until next time, keep overcoming those bad first impressions, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.

Use it Or Lose It – Overcoming a Bad First Impression

Two ways for overcoming a bad first impression that we discussed are:

(1)  Overload them with overwhelming evidence
(2)  Make them want to change their impression of you

(a)  Activate their egalitarian goal: via labeling or reminding them.
(b)  Ensure their outcomes depend on you by showing that they will need you or that they are going to have to deal with you.

When to Use It

Use these techniques when trying to overcome a bad first impression.

What Do You Think?

Have you used any of these techniques for overcoming a bad first impression? Are there any other techniques that you have used? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

¹ No One Understands You And What to Do About It by Heidi Grant Halvorson