14 Examples of What Not to Say When Speaking to Others!

Sometimes what not to say can be more important than what to say. Whether it is you saying it to others or others saying it to you. There are some things you just don’t say, it is just common sense. However, as the old saying goes, “common sense isn’t so common”. In fact, I had a friend that whether it was with me or others had no clue on what not to say – more on him a bit later.

In the meantime, let’s take a look at 14 examples of what not to say, and what to say instead.

(1)  “I Know”

If someone tells you something or gives you advice, you may come across as a know it all if you say, “I know”. I have been guilty of this myself many times.

Instead: Try saying, “you are right.” It shows that you are listening to the other person and gives them credit for either trying to help you or for saying something smart.

(2)   “You look tired”

You might as well just tell the person they look like crap because that is in essence what you are saying!  If they want to tell you why they didn’t sleep last night that is their prerogative – let them bring it up!

Instead: Say anything! How about a simple “how are you?”

(3)  “You wouldn’t understand”

Basically, you are insulting them by saying they aren’t smart enough to comprehend whatever it is you are telling them. Why not just call them a dummy?

Instead: While whatever you may be about to tell them may be complicated there is a better way to let them know. Simply say, “I hope I can explain this…”

(4)  “I can’t”

Saying this, especially in the workplace, shows that you are unmotivated or lack the know how to do something.

Instead: Either see if you can figure it out or ask for assistance.

(5)  “It’s none of your business”

Here you are telling the person usually out of frustration. It labels the other person as an outsider and abruptly cuts them off. Most times what it is saying is that you don’t have a good reason to answer their question.

Instead:  Explain why you cannot give them the information. If you are uncomfortable sharing certain pieces of information simply let them know instead of making them feel like an ass. For example, “I promised so and so I would not discuss it as it is confidential.”

 (6)  “That’s not fair”

This makes you sound like a whiny little kid. Guess what? Life isn’t always ‘fair’!

Instead:  Small injustices happen in life, so stop saying this phrase. Say something more appropriate and positive instead.

(7)  “I have a stupid question”

Here, you are basically labeling yourself stupid before even asking the question. There is nothing wrong with asking questions and if you ask a question, own it.

Instead: Just confidently ask the question.

(8) “You look great for your age!”

Telling someone they look great for their age or they look great for just having a baby is condescending and rude. Because what you are saying is most people don’t look good at that age or most women don’t look good after having babies

Instead: Simply say “you look great” and leave it at that.

 (9) “I told you!”

This is one of the most obnoxious ones there is. It makes you sound petty and like a know it all.

Instead: Don’t say anything. Odds are they remember and know that you told them, that is enough.

(10) “Calm down”

By telling someone to calm down you are in essence criticizing their behavior and telling them they have no right to be mad. Which many times ends up making them madder!

Instead:  Be reassuring with a calm demeanor and say something like “It’s going to be ok, talk to me, what’s going on?”

(11) “I’m not going to say this again”

Usually, you say this in relation to a serious subject. The problem is, you probably will say it again…and again…and again. At which point you leave yourself in a tough spot. If you don’t say it again, you need to follow through with some type of action, which you may not be prepared for. If you do say it again, you have done something you said you were not going to do, and you lose credibility.

Instead:  Let them know this is a serious subject and that you need their full attention.

(12) “As I Said Before”

Saying this makes it sound like you are annoyed at having to repeat yourself.

Instead: Say it again and try to say it in a way that they remember it this time. Remember, it is possible they don’t remember due to the way you communicated it in the first place.

(13) “Good luck”

We have all said this with good intention. The problem is that you are making it sound like they need luck to succeed rather being successful on their own merit.

Instead: Encourage them by saying something like “You got this!” or “I know you have what it takes to…”

Which Brings Me Back to My Friend

Who when he disagreed with you would always say, “you are wrong”. Which every time he said it, would make me think he was arrogant, which may have also had something to do with his delivery.

Instead: Let people know that you disagree, but in a respectful and polite way by using a statement such as, “I think there may be another way of looking at it.” or “what do you think about this other possibility” – then point out why you disagree.

Even though myself and others would let him know that saying “you are wrong” was a harsh way to disagree, he kept doing it.

So, while I may have been wrong.

I’m also no longer his friend.

Until next time, be wary of what not to say and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

Use It or Lose It – What Not to Say!

Be wary of saying the following phrases that we just discussed.

When to Use It:

When you are dealing with others.

What Do You Think?

Do you have any other suggestions for what not to say when speaking to others? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

Verbal Judo, Second Edition: The Gentle Art of Persuasion