Asking for Help: Why it Sucks and How to Do it Better!

I remember as a kid being on family road trips and we would be somewhat lost. My Dad would pull out the map, “ah I think we need to just go this way.” And of course, my Mom, the voice of reason, would say “why don’t we stop at that gas station and ask for directions?”

“No, no, I know where I’m going” he would say as Mom would roll her eyes.

I’m sure this old stereotype sounds familiar to many of you out there. And according to a study by a British car company, it might just be true! According to the study, “The average male drives an extra 276 miles every year as a result of being lost — the equivalent to a journey from Cincinnati to Nashville — compared to 256 miles for women and…more than one out of four men — 26 percent — wait at least half an hour before asking for directions, with a stubborn 12 percent refusing to ask a stranger for help at all.” ²

So, why do we hate asking for help so much? (and I don’t just mean guys asking for directions! I mean all of us).

Why Do We Hate Asking for Help So Much?

As we discussed in a previous post on the SCARF model, David Rock has spent his career researching and discussing 5 different types of social threats that can elicit a pain response and all of the consequences that go with it:

(1)  Pain from Status threats: our relative importance to others (by making a request of others, we may feel we have lowered our status due to a lack of knowledge or ability)

(2)  Pain from Certainty threats: our ability to predict the future. (we don’t know how they will answer)

(3)  Pain from Autonomy threats: our ability to maintain a sense of control over events. (since we have no choice but to accept their answer, we have given up a bit of autonomy)

(4)  Pain from Relatedness threats: being able to feel safe when with others (if they say no we see it as a personal rejection which creates a relatedness threat.)

(5)  Pain from Fairness threats: our perception of fair exchanges with others. (and obviously, when they say no it won’t seem fair!)

So, whether it’s asking for directions or for help with a work project, most of us avoid asking for help because it exposes us to the possibility of experiencing all five types of social pain above, and usually at the same time!

Why It’s Important to Ask for Help

As author Heidi Grant says in Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You:

“Although the idea of asking for even a small amount of help makes most of us horribly uncomfortable, the truth about modern work is that we rely, more than ever, on the cooperation and support of others. No one succeeds in a vacuum, whether you are in an entry-level position or have a view from the C-suite…”

Ok, makes sense, and I think many of us understand the importance of asking for help. But even then, it’s hard, right?

But luckily…

For All of Us Help Seekers Out There, Grant Has Some Good News!

The fact of the matter is that we help seekers consistently underestimate our chances of getting the help we need. The great news is that others are much more likely to help us than we assume.

As she says:

“People want to be helpful. Admittedly, not all people, but far more of us than you would imagine. And if you ask for the help you need, chances are good you will get it, and then some.” ¹

Before we move on to the four steps for getting help, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out something else, and that is…

More Helping = Greater Life Satisfaction

Many studies have shown that those who give help have boosted moods, physical health, and self-esteem. So, it isn’t just the helpee who is receiving benefits when asking for help, the helper reaps some rewards as well.

And as Grant points out:

“We could even make the argument that not asking for help is a selfish thing, in that it robs other people of one of life’s most reliable boosts to well-being.” ¹

The Four Steps to Asking for Help

Let’s now explore the 4 steps that Grant discusses for receiving the assistance that you need:

Step 1: The Helper Needs to Understand That You Need Help

As Grant says: “Human beings are, as a rule, preoccupied by their own affairs. We don’t pay attention to every detailed of our surroundings—including the other people in those surroundings.”¹

A great example of this is the Invisible Gorilla test. A famous psychology experiment had people watching videos of others pass a basketball back and forth with the objective being to count the number of passes made. During the experiment, someone wearing a gorilla suit walked through the scene, without interacting with the ball. After the video, the participants were asked if they noticed anything unusual during the video. Fifty percent said no! They failed to notice the gorilla as they were so focused on counting the passes.

The point is this – if half of the people missed some dude in a gorilla suit, what are the odds someone knows you need help with something?

So, the first step in getting others to help you is to make sure they know you need help in the first place.

Step 2: The Helper Needs to Believe That You Want the Help

There are two main reasons that people don’t offer help. The first is that they think they may have misconstrued the situation. For example, maybe you just have a really awkward way of swimming and you aren’t really drowning. The second is that sometimes people can get a little ‘pissy’ when offered unsolicited help; they may think you enjoy the struggle.

As Grant says:

“Part of the problem is that generally speaking, people assume that if you want help, you will ask for it. They expect you to come to them, forgetting how uncomfortable and embarrassing it can be to ask for help, and how reluctant most of us are to do it.” ¹

The solution that helps solve the obstacles of both Step 1 and 2 is to simply proactively make your needs clear by asking for help directly.  When you ask for help, the potential helper is more apt to notice it and feel confident their help is welcome.

Step 3: The Helper Need to Assume Responsibility for Helping You

This next step is related to a concept called diffusion of responsibility which we discussed in a previous post on the bystander effect.  When there are many people around that could help, it is less clear to everyone involved as to who should help. And what often ends up happening is the less likely anyone is to actually offer to assist. It’s not that people don’t want to help, it’s that they don’t know who bears the responsibility to help.

A great example she gives is asking for help via group email, by blind-copy asking a bunch of people for help, they will just assume someone else will do it. They may think that if you really wanted them to do it specifically, you would have just asked them directly.

Which brings us to the advice Grant gives for solving step 3:

“So, when you are seeking support, be aware that you will need to alleviate that confusion by giving your benefactor a clear sense of responsibility about helping you. Take the time to ask individuals directly and to send unique, personal emails when you need a hand. Otherwise, you will be far too easy to ignore.” ¹

Step 4: The Helper Needs to Be Able to Give You the Help That You Need

Lastly, you need to make sure that the person is able to help you. We need to remember that people are busy and have their own lives.

Grant gives some great advice to increase your chances of getting help from a busy person:

“First, be explicit and detailed about what you are asking for and how much effort from the help it will entail. Vague requests to “connect with you about your work” or “get a hand from you with something” are likely to leave people worrying that the ask is going to be significant and that they just won’t have the time and energy for it.

 Second, be mindful to keep requests for help to a reasonable size—something the other person can do, given other commitments.

 And third, be open to receiving help that is different from what you asked for. Don’t get hung up on not getting what you wanted. Focus instead on how you are strengthening your relationship by taking the help that is offered, and bear in mind that it might be far more useful to you than you realize.” ¹

Recently, I Was Out with a Female Friend…

I was driving and she was riding shotgun when all of a sudden, my Waze navigation app stopped working and we got a little lost.

She suggested that I just ask Siri for a little help with the directions.

My response?

“No, no, I know where I’m going”.

I suppose the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

Until next time, keep asking for help, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.

Use it or Lose It

The four steps for asking for help that we discussed above are:

(1)  The Helper Needs to Understand That You Need Help
(2)  The Helper Needs to Believe That You Want the Help
(3)  The Helper Need to Assume Responsibility for Helping You
(4)  The Helper Needs to Be Able to Give You the Help That You Need

When to Use It

Use these steps for asking for help when you need help with something in your life.

What Do You Think?

What do you think of the four steps for asking for help that we discussed above? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

1 Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You by Heidi Grant

2 https://abcnews.go.com/Travel/male-drivers-lost-longer-women-refuse-directions/story?id=11949176