Seeking Approval: How to Get Over Your Approval Addiction
With the proliferation of the internet and social media, it is amazing how many people share so much of their personal lives with people they barely know on Facebook, Instagram, and other social media platforms.
On one hand, it makes sense as we all have a psychological need for love and belonging. Hell, it is one of the five needs identified by Abraham Maslow in his famous ‘hierarchy of needs’. And as we discussed in a previous post, those who design these social media platforms are psychologists as much as they are technology nerds. For they know that whenever someone likes, comments, or shares our posts or images on social media, we get a little hit of dopamine.
On the other hand, I also believe it is a great example of seeking approval from others.
The problem is, those of us who are addicted to the good feelings of positive feedback can also experience the opposite when someone disapproves of us via a negative comment – which is pretty illogical if you think about it.
However, as Dr. David Burns points out in Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy:
“Why is this illogical? Because you are overlooking the fact that it is only your thoughts and beliefs which have the power to elevate your spirits. Another person’s approval has no ability to affect your mood unless you believe what he or she says is valid. But if you believe the compliment is earned, it is your belief which makes you feel good. You must validate external approval before you experience mood elevation. This validation represents your personal self-approval.” 1
Sharing every intimate detail of your life online is just one example of seeking approval. I am sure we can all come up with countless examples of seeking approval or praise from others. The problem is that seeking approval comes at a price…
The Price We Pay for Seeking Approval
The main problem that we pay for seeking approval or praise from others is that we then become vulnerable and reliant on their opinions.
This can become problematic in a variety of ways:
We will feel like we need to continually feed our hunger by continually behaving in a way that feeds our habit to avoid those pangs of withdrawal.
Once others detect our approval-seeking ways some may use our vulnerability to manipulate us.
We may end up compromising and doing stuff that we don’t want to do.
We may have a hard time knowing what we really want. Prioritizing and making decisions on our own becomes a chore.
What others want us to do may not be in our best interest. Furthermore, their expectations for us may not always be valid and/or realistic.
Our approval-seeking behavior may cause us to be afraid of making mistakes. That fear of taking risks may lead to our living a static and uneventful life.
Did You Ever Consider…
…that someone’s disapproval of you may not be your problem at all? In fact, many times disapproval is a reflection of someone else’s problem or their own irrational beliefs and have nothing to do with us.
We all know that approval feels great, which is healthy and natural. On the other hand, disapproval can feel bad and be unpleasant, which is also understandable.
However, as Burns says: “…you are swimming in deep, turbulent water if you continue to believe that approval and disapproval are the proper and ultimate yardsticks with which to measure your worth.” 1
Just Think About Your Disapproval of Others
Perhaps you have snapped at a loved one or disagreed with their opinion. Does that mean you are making a moral judgment of them as being completely worthless? Of course not!
As Burns points out:
“If you admit your disapproval does not contain enough moral atomic power to devastate the meaning and value of another person’s life, why give their disapproval the power to wipe out your sense of self-worth?” 1
Where it Usually Begins…
If we think about where our approval-seeking behavior originated, Burns speculates that in many cases it started with people who were important to us when we were children.
In many cases, as he says:
“You may have had a parent who was unduly critical when you misbehaved, or who was irritable even at times when you weren’t doing anything particularly wrong…Like most children you might have assumed that nearly everything you heard, “You’re no good” and “You’ll never learn,” you literally believed it and this hurt badly. You were too young to be able to reason, “Daddy is exaggerating and overgeneralizing.” 1
At such a young age we don’t have the emotional intelligence to be able to understand if his outburst was his problem or ours. And if we ever dared questioning him, we may have been met with a smack on the behind. With all that being said, it only makes sense that we may have developed approval-seeking behavior.
However, as an adult, it is up to us to think through situations realistically and take the steps to outgrow this approval-seeking behavior.
Speaking of steps to outgrowing approval-seeking behavior, let’s look at some now!
3 Steps to Overcome Approval Seeking Behavior
In his book, Burns outlines some simple steps that we can take to overcome our desire for seeking approvals from others in our lives.
(1) Cost-Benefit Analysis
The first step he suggests is to simply complete a cost-benefit analysis for your approval-seeking behavior. All you need to do is simply list out all the advantages and disadvantages of telling yourself that disapproval makes you less worthwhile.
As Burns suggests:
“After listing all the ways this attitude hurts you and helps you, you will be in a position to make an enlightened decision to develop a healthier value system.” 1
(2) Re-write the Assumption
If after completing your cost-benefit analysis you conclude that your approval-seeking behavior hurts you more than it helps you, you can proceed to step 2. This involves rewriting your assumption about your approval-seeking behavior so that is more realistic and self-enhancing.
For example, one of Burns’ patients re-wrote hers as follows:
“It can be enjoyable to have someone approve of me, but I don’t need approval in order to be a worthwhile person or to respect myself. Disapproval can be uncomfortable, but it doesn’t mean I’m less of a person.” 1
(3) The Self-Respect Blueprint
The final step, which is an optional one, is what Burns calls the self-respect blueprint. It involves your writing a short essay called “Why it is irrational and unnecessary to live in fear of disapproval or criticism”.
As Burns advises:
“This can be your personal blueprint for achieving greater self-reliance and autonomy. Prepare a list of all the reasons why disapproval is unpleasant but not fatal. In your essay include only what seems convincing and helpful to you. Make sure you believe each argument you write down so your new sense of independence will be realistic. Don’t rationalize! For example, the statement, “If someone disapproves of me, I don’t need to get upset because they’re really not the type of person I’d care to have as a friend,” won’t work because it’s a distortion. You are trying to preserve your self-esteem by writing the other person off as no good. Stick with what you know to be the truth.” 1
Now that we have covered the 3-step process for overcoming our desire for seeking approval, let’s look at a few other ideas that have worked for many people.
Other Suggestions for Overcoming Approval Seeking Behavior
A few other things you may want to keep in mind with respect to approval-seeking are:
Remember, that if someone reacts towards you in a negative manner that it may be their own irrational thinking that is causing the reaction.
There are times when someone’s criticism of you is valid. We all make mistakes! The idea is to pinpoint the root cause of your mistake and then take action to learn from it and correct it.
Just because you make one mistake does not mean that you are a born loser. None of us can be wrong or right all of the time. Always remember that you have the ability to change and grow.
Others are unable to judge your worth as a person. All they can do is comment on stuff you do or say.
Different people will treat you differently, so remember that one rejection won’t lead to an endless series of rejections.
While disapproval and rejection are not pleasant, that feeling will pass, it always does.
Disapproval and rejection can only bother you to the extent that you accept the accusations made.
Think about when you are criticizing or disapproving of someone else. Your disapproval or criticism doesn’t make them totally bad. So why would you give someone else that type of power over you? After all, we are all just human beings so there is no need to make anyone larger than life.
So, What Did You Think of This Blog Post?
I would really like to know. Please leave a comment below.
If you thought it sucked, let me know. Don’t worry I won’t take it personally! Hell, maybe it does suck, and I need to learn from it and make it better next time. Or maybe you think it sucks and YOU are the irrational one!
Either way, I appreciate your reading it and whatever you say – it won’t affect my self-worth because seeking approval isn’t something I do.
BUT, on the other hand, if you liked it why not click that like button or that share button…because remember, approval is great and healthy! (as long as you don’t use it as a yardstick to measure your worth!)
Until next time, stop seeking approval, click ‘like’ and as always…PYMFP!–
–Rick
P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.
Use it Or Lose It
The three steps we discussed you can use to stop seeking approval are:
(1) Do a cost-benefit analysis.
(2) Re-write the assumption.
(3) Create a self-respect blueprint.
When to Use It
Use it when you want to stop seeking approval from others.
What Do You Think?
Are you guilty of seeking approval to the extent that it has a negative impact on your life? What do you think of the 3 step process and other ideas above? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!
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You are funny! I think many of us know when we can give ourselves a pat on the back but we all appreciate other people’s acknowledgment and praise for a job well done.
Hi Eileen, Thanks for reading and for commenting. There is no doubt we all like to be acknowledged and praised, nothing wrong with that. It just becomes dangerous when we rely on that validation. Thanks and be good, Rick
Ah, Maslow’s hierarchy , quite often shown in pyramid format. I encountered this when reading a magazine article in the 1970’s, I think in Scientific American or something similar, and it made perfect sense. The need for approval is universal, and yes it does directly link to the dopamine rush. Read the wikipedia article on Maslow, it succinctly sums up his early life. He and I had extremely similar backgrounds. In retrospect, that’s a major reason of why I packed up a suitcase and left the City at age 16 – the total negativity of my mother. I needed to get away, so I did. I consider that decision one of my major life choices, and have never regretted it.
Maslow’s hierarchy explains why people get upset when someone posts a bad Yelp review about their business. I do not feel the need to use social media of any sort – and you are not social media, you are a specialized chatboard.
Hi Dave, Thanks for the great comment. It’s amazing how bang on Maslow was with his hierarchy of needs, it explains so much of people’s behavior in life. Have a great one! Rick