Being Unhappy: How to Overcome Obstacles to Happiness

Many of us create our own obstacles to happiness that really don’t make sense. These often take the form of reasons or excuses that we give ourselves that prevent our happiness.

One of my fondest early childhood memories occurred on a family vacation to Disney World in Orlando, also known as “the Happiest Place on Earth”.  While I loved the Haunted Mansion and the Pirates of the Caribbean, one of the things that will forever stick in my mind is an image from that trip.

The image is of one of the custodians with a huge smile on his face. And the reason I won’t forget it is because of what he was doing at the time.

He was scooping up horse poop!

Clearly being unhappy was not a condition he was afflicted with!  And he clearly was not giving himself reasons to be unhappy.

Just Imagine…

…if some of us could be happier within 45 days if we only put forth a few minutes of effort every day.  According to Loretta Graziano Breuning, author of Habits of a Happy Brain, that notion is possible if we just understand some of the reasons that make us unhappy.

In her book, Breuning explains some of the reasons that create some of the common rationales going on in our heads that cause us to stick with unhappy habits.

In fact, as she says:

 “You will probably recognize these reasons and the vicious cycles they lead to. Once you notice your own way of choosing unhappiness, you can make alternative choices that will lead you to happiness.” ¹

So, with that being said, let’s look at some of the most common reasons for being unhappy along with some alternate choices we can make that will make us happier.

7 Reasons for Being Unhappy and Some Alternate Choices That Lead to Happiness

(1)  “I cannot lower my standards”

The first reason has us asking ourselves why we should be happy with the small things in life when we aspire for the larger things. We all assume that big achievements will make us happy, but that isn’t necessarily true.

What’s also interesting, according to Breuning:

“People even assert that it’s unethical to be happy as long as long as one person is suffering, or even one animal. But the world has always been full of suffering. Is it unethical for anyone in human history to have ever been happy? No. This is just the verbal brain’s effort to explain the mammal brain’s quirky quest for happy chemicals. If you refuse to accept your inner mammal’s urge for more, you construct lofty-sounding expectations for your frustrations. But blaming your unhappiness on higher ethics does not bring you neurochemical peace.” ¹

Instead:

You cannot be responsible for other’s suffering, nor can you expect anyone else to be responsible for yours.

So, rather than having an idealized view of happiness, which will always be out of reach, be happy with the small things. One way to do this is to practice gratitude every day.

(2)  “I should not have to do this”

This is one where you feel you are owed something or that it is time for the rest of the world to do their part. Perhaps you feel someone has wronged you and you need to settle the score before you are happy.

What inevitably happens according to Breuning is that, “Once you look at life this way, you will easily find evidence that you have been wronged and you will easily find company to share your view. Unfortunately, this strategy is likely to distract you from taking steps that would actually bring happiness.” ¹

Instead:

Rather than searching for what is wrong, take time to notice what is right! As Breuning advises: “If you decide to build new happy circuits, you might be the happiest person you know six weeks from now. But you won’t commit if you believe you shouldn’t have to. If you think others are getting it for free, you end up shortchanging yourself.” ¹

(3)  “It is selfish to focus on my own happiness”

There are some who believe happiness is a zero-sum game. In other words, they think their happiness takes away from other’s happiness, which simply isn’t true.

As Breuning points out:

“When you stimulate your own happy chemicals, you are not depriving others of them. Each adult is free to make his own calls in pursuit of happiness—as long as he takes responsibility for their side effects and avoids making himself happy at the expense of children. You are not obligated to subordinate your happiness to other adults. And others are not obligated to subordinate their happiness to you.” ¹

Instead:

Give yourself permission to be happy.  And in turn, you may be helping others.  The reason being is that your feeling good can help stimulate the mirror neurons in others which can ignite their happiness.  This does not mean you are abandoning others, it simply means that you are putting on your oxygen mask first rather than putting your happiness in someone else’s hands.

(4)  “I need to be prepared for the worst”

Some think that being happy can cause them to let their guard down and hurt them when things go wrong. I love the way Breuning explains the illogic of this type of thinking when she says:

“Your cortex is skilled at finding the information it looks for. If you don’t look for the good in the world, it will easily escape your attention. When you start looking for the good, it can feel like you’re frittering your attention and taking your eye off the ball. But bad things are curiously unpredictable, so a siege mentality just wears you out. Happiness builds a cushion for bumpy roads better than unhappiness.” ¹

Instead:  

When something does go wrong, ask yourself this question, “Could I have prevented this by being unhappy?” Obviously the answer is “no”.

Of course, you want to scan for potential threats but constantly focusing on them doesn’t protect you from new ones. As Breuning recommends, “Stay focused on good things instead of those crisis-mentality fireworks and you will have a new superhighway in forty-five days.” ¹

(5)  “I will not be able to do this”

This one is all about being afraid to fail. Many things in life are achieved via trial and error. Creating a hypothesis, testing it out by taking that first step, and then modifying it as you go.  Unfortunately, many of us are so afraid to fail that we fail to take that first step. The problem is if you don’t take that first step you will remain in the same place.

Instead:  

As Breuning recommends: “To stop this vicious cycle, you must take the step you committed to even when it feels bad. Tell yourself “I did it!” even if the only thing you did was thinking “I did it!” while feeling like you didn’t. This may feel fake at first, but if you persist, your success circuit will start to feel as true as your failure circuit.” ¹

(6)  “Who is able to be happy in such a messed-up society?”

There are times when we blame our situation on the world at large or the system we are in. But the fact of the matter is that these frustrations are shared by other cultures and other times and many times much worse. As Breuning points out that, “Blaming bad feelings on the system and demanding a fix from the system can distract you from building the essential skill of managing your neurochemical ups and downs. If you externalize your dips by blaming them on forces outside yourself, you don’t learn to make peace with your own internal system. Each brain is free to choose peace, or to choose blame.” ¹

Instead:  

Blaming society for your problems makes you powerless. Take back the power and be responsible for your own happiness.

(7)  “I will be happy when…”

This final reason for being unhappy has you believing that you will be happy once you achieve some particular benchmark or goal.  While reaching a goal makes you feel good, it is also a double-edged sword.  Each step closer stimulates happy chemicals, but each obstacle stimulates unhappy chemicals. The problem with single-minded goals is that it gives you only one path to your happiness chemicals which can result in what she calls a “bad loop”. By having only one path, other things such as rules and laws, people, and your physical body can feel like obstacles. What happens is that your life feels like an escalator, and if it isn’t going up, you believe that something is wrong with it.

Instead:

As Breuning points out, you are better off using a bunch of tools to manage those happy chemicals. The idea is to have multiple sources of satisfaction in your life, whatever that means for you. As she says, “Your new circuits cannot trigger happy chemicals every minute, but they can help you manage the cortisol blast you feel when you easy off your goal.” ¹

Remember…to Choose Happiness!

At the end of the day, you are the only one who is able to decide which behaviors and thoughts are best for you. So, when your unhappy chemicals flow, you have the power to stop being unhappy by sending your electricity in a different direction. This opens up a space for new thoughts to grow. As Breuning says, “At first it will be just a trickle of electricity, but a new happy habit will build if you persist. Choose that new habit wisely.” ¹

So, If Any of These Thoughts Are Depriving You of Happiness…

“I cannot lower my standards”
“I should not have to do this”
“It is selfish to focus on my own happiness”
“I need to be prepared for the worst”
“I will not be able to do this”
“Who is able to be happy in such a messed-up society?”
“I will be happy when…”

…remember to choose happiness instead by using some of the strategies we discussed above.

And if all else fails…

…think about my story of the custodian at Walt Disney World shoveling horse poop with a big smile on his face.

You can also think about the advice my Dad gave me when I asked him how the guy could be so happy:

“Son, in life sometimes you gotta shovel shit, so you might as well do it with a smile on your face.”

Until next time, say no to being unhappy, keep shoveling, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.

Use it or Lose It

7 reasons for being unhappy that we need to stop using are:

(1)  “I cannot lower my standards”
(2)  “I should not have to do this”
(3)  “It is selfish to focus on my own happiness”
(4)  “I need to be prepared for the worst”
(5)  “I will not be able to do this”
(6)  “Who is able to be happy in such a messed-up society?”
(7)  “I will be happy when…”

When to Use It

Think about refraining from using these reasons for being unhappy when they creep into your life and use some of the strategies that we discussed in the posta above instead.

What Do You Think?

Do you or have you used any of the reasons above for being unhappy? Are there any others that you or others you know use? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

¹ Habits of a Happy Brain: Retrain Your Brain to Boost Your Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin & Endorphin Levels by Loretta Graziano Breuning