This is How to Express Yourself in Difficult Conversations

Oct 2019

Have you ever heard the idiom, “beating around the bush?”. If you are not familiar with it, it basically means not getting to the point or avoiding the bottom line in a conversation. I don’t know about you, but it is super annoying to me, especially during a difficult conversation. Like, “get to the damn point already and stop beating around the damn bush.” Usually, it occurs when you don’t know how to express yourself, which is the topic of today’s blog post.

By the way, did you know that the idiom “beating around the bush” goes all the way back to hunting during medieval times? Hunters hired people to beat the area around bushes to scare out the game that was hiding in them. They wouldn’t hit the bush directly as it could expose them to being attacked by something dangerous like a wild boar who was hiding in there.

Anyway, let’s move on to how to express yourself in difficult conversations…

Your Primary Task in a Difficult Conversation

There is no doubt that being an effective listener in a difficult conversation is critical so that you can understand what the other person is thinking and feeling. However, there is another part of a difficult conversation that is equally important and that is the other person also needs to hear your point of view. This means that knowing how to express yourself and tell them your story is also critical.

You may think that knowing how to express yourself in a difficult conversation is highly dependent on how good of an orator you are. However as author, Douglas Stone points out in his great book, Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most, that simply isn’t true.

Instead, he says:

“In a difﬁcult conversation, your primary task is not to persuade, impress, trick, outwit, convert, or win over the other person. It is to express what you see and why you see it that way, how you feel, and maybe who you are. Self-knowledge and the belief that what you want to share is important will take you signiﬁcantly further than eloquence and wit.” ¹

The Importance of Expressing Yourself: We Are All Equal!

Before we discuss how to express yourself in a difficult conversation, it is important to “start with why”. As in why our thoughts and feelings are important.

While this may be obvious to some, it may not be obvious to others and the fact of the matter is that we are all equal. We all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and our feelings, thoughts, and views are just as important and valuable as anyone else’s.

Of course, there are risks in expressing yourself, but the costs of not saying anything could be even greater.

Another risk with not expressing ourselves is that it may cause us to detach from others which could harm our relationships with them. By not expressing yourself you are not giving others the real you and are denying them the chance to get to know a part of you.

As Stone points out it’s all about authenticity:

“A relationship takes hold and grows when both participants experience themselves and the other as being authentic. Such relationships are both more comfortable (it’s more relaxing to be yourself) and nourishing to the soul (“My boss knows some of my vulnerabilities and still thinks I’m okay”) ¹

Now that we have covered the first step in how to express yourself which is understanding that you are entitled to speak up, now it’s time to figure out what to say.

Figuring Out What We Want to Say

Stone offers a couple of strategies that we can use to figure out what to say.

(1) Begin with What Matters Most

The first strategy is common sense, yet it is one that we often neglect which is to tell them what is important to you. This can take the form of: “I am feeling…”, “To me, what is important is…”, or “To me, this really concerns…”

Inevitably what happens is that we repeat over and over the least important things instead of getting to the heart of the matter. No wonder the other person doesn’t understand what we think or feel!

Instead, as you enter a tough conversation, ask yourself, “Have I communicated what is truly important to me? Have I let them know what is at stake?” If you have not, ask yourself why not and try to muster up the courage to do so.

(2) Don’t Make Them Guess – Say What You Mean

Rather than stating things outright, sometimes we skirt around issues by embedding them in subtext. The problem is that others are not mind readers who may not get our indirect message via jokes, body language, questions or innocuous comments.

As Stone says:

“Bringing it up by not quite bringing it up seems a happy medium between avoiding and engaging. It is a way of doing neither and doing both. The problem is, to the extent you are doing both, you’re doing both badly. You end up triggering all of the problems you worried you’d create by bringing it up, without getting the beneﬁt of clearly saying what you want to say.” ¹

3 Guidelines for How to Express Yourself and Tell Your Story with Clarity

Now that we understand that we are entitled to express ourselves and now that we know what to say, let’s discuss some guidelines for how to express yourself with clarity.

(1) Don’t Present Your Conclusions as the Truth

The one thing that we all need to avoid doing when expressing ourselves is presenting whatever we have to say as the truth. Doing this can lead to disaster as if often creates resentment and defensiveness while inciting arguments.

Let’s say you are discussing spanking children, rather than saying “spanking children is just wrong”, you are better to say, “After being spanked as a child, I feel spanking is wrong”, or “I have read in a few books that spanking is wrong.”

The idea is not to express what you are saying as the absolute truth. The last thing you want is for someone to get their back up and come back with “Who are you to tell me that?”

As Stone explains: “This is not an argument that there is no truth, or that all opinions are equally valid. It simply distinguishes opinion from fact, and allows you to have a careful discussion that leads to better understanding and better decisions rather than to defensiveness and pointless ﬁghting.” ¹

(2) Share Where Your Conclusions Come From

If the first step is making sure that your opinions and conclusions don’t come across as the truth, the second is to share the substance behind your conclusions.

The big idea here is that often we go back and forth on our conclusions without discussing where they came from. Remember, we all have pieces of information that the other person does not. And that information may be important, and if it is…share it! Perhaps you have life experiences or stories that have influenced how you think or feel, by sharing them you are putting some meat on those bones.

(3) Don’t Exaggerate with “Always” and “Never”: Give Them Room to Change

In the heat of a difficult conversation, it is easy to speak in absolute terms by using words such as “always” and “never”. The problem is that while they are good at conveying frustration, “always” and “never” are rarely accurate in terms of frequency. They also limit the chances that someone will consider changing their behavior as it makes it sound impossible to do.

Instead as Stone suggests: “The key is to communicate your feelings in a way that invites and encourages the recipient to consider new ways of behaving, rather than suggesting they’re a schmuck and it’s too bad there’s nothing they can do about it.” ¹

The Objective is To Help Them Understand You

Remember, your primary objective when expressing yourself in a difficult conversation is to make sure they understand you. In order to accomplish this, you can utilize two techniques.

Ask Them to Paraphrase Back

The first is one is to use paraphrasing which we discussed in a previous post on how to interrupt others. Paraphrasing can also be used to make sure others have heard and understood what you have said. You can accomplish this by simply asking them, “Do you mind replaying back what I have said just to make sure I am being clear?”

Ask How They See It Differently, and Why

The second technique is to get their thoughts on the situation.

As Stone recommends:

“Explaining your story clearly is a ﬁrst step toward being understood. But don’t expect instant success. Real understanding may take some back and forth. If the other person seems puzzled or unpersuaded by your story, rather than putting it more forcefully or trying to tell it in a different way, ask how they see it. In particular, ask how they see it differently.” ¹

Many times, we ask people “do you agree” or “does this make sense?”. The problem with this line of questioning is that it may make them reluctant to share their doubts and reservations. However, by asking “how do you see it differently?”, we are more likely to uncover their true reaction which can lead to a better conversation.

Wrapping Things Up…Remember, If You are Hunting…

…beating around the bush can be a good idea!

But, if you want to know how to express yourself in a difficult conversation, you are better off using one of the guidelines above, unless the conversation is with the wild boar you scared out of the bush, in which case you should probably just run!

Speaking of not beating around the bush, I will get straight to the point before we go. If you haven’t subscribed to our weekly blog posts summary, please do so and if you know anyone who would benefit from this or any of our other blog posts please share it with them!

Until next time, keep working on how to express yourself, no more beating around the bush, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.

Use it Or Lose It

3 guidelines for how to express yourself and tell your story with clarity are:

(1)  Don’t Present Your Conclusions as the Truth.
(2)  Share Where Your Conclusions Come From.
(3)  Don’t Exaggerate with “Always” and “Never”: Give Them Room to Change.

When to Use It

Use these techniques for how to express yourself during difficult conversations.

What Do You Think?

What do you think of these techniques for how to express yourself during difficult conversations? Do you use any of them currently? Do you have any others you use? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

¹ Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone