Ask for What You Want – And You Just Might Get It!

It may be one of the simplest, most straightforward persuasion techniques out there! There are countless examples in history of people amassing benefit after benefit by using it. Even though we all know the benefits of using it as well as its simplicity – it may still be one of the most underutilized tactics that there is!  Unfortunately, by not using this obvious technique, opportunities pass us by, we find ourselves in the same place, and we never realize our potential or fulfill our dreams because we are afraid of utilizing it. The technique to which I am referring? Asking. That’s right, many times, all you need to do is ask for what you want!

Which reminds me of a story. Back 10 or so years ago, I was heading back to Canada for Christmas. My flight would take me from Miami to Toronto with a stopover at JFK in New York City. We made it to New York alright, but it went downhill from there. The first flight to Toronto got canceled due to weather (even though I heard someone from the airline say that it was due to a mechanical issue with the plane). The second flight got canceled due to weather, as did the third flight.

To make matters worse, there were no flights for 3 days! I ended up flying to Boston and back to Miami the next day. What does this story have to do with asking for what you want? We will get to that later, but first, let’s discuss…

Why It is So Hard to Ask for What You Want

There are a few reasons that we have a hard time asking for what we want:

Lack of confidence – Many times we don’t ask for what we want simply because we aren’t sure of ourselves, and we don’t believe we deserve what we are asking for. Then there are the times we assume that we won’t get it or don’t believe we will get it – so why even ask?

Fear – There are many types of fear that we experience which prevents us from asking for what we want, some of those fears include being fearful of:

  Being rejected by others.
  Others seeing us in a negative light.
  Looking stupid or foolish.
  Not knowing what to do if we get what we want.
  Stepping out of our comfort zone or a fear of the unknown.

Being unclear – of exactly what it is we want – we know we kinda want something but don’t take the time to get clear and focused on exactly what it is.

But the Fact of the Matter is This…

If you don’t ask for what you want, you will definitely never get it!

Sometimes in life, we need to take risks to get what we want, and one of those risks is the risk of getting rejected.

Hey, even if they say no you are no worse off than when you started!

Why it is Important to Stop Rejecting Yourself and to Ask for What You Want!

The reason is simple – by asking for what you want you are taking control of your life and not waiting for things to happen.

None of us can be successful by ourselves, we need others to be successful. And while most people are willing to help us and do things for us, the problem is that usually, they don’t know that we need their help!

We all know people who enter any situation KNOWING they are going to be successful? Why is that? Part of the reason is that they realize that they need others to help them, and they are not afraid to ask for that help!

Need More Evidence?

There are a few interesting studies that are proof positive that you need to ask for what you want:

Copy machine study:

There was a famous study done by Langer et al. at NYU where subjects try to get into a line to use a photocopier. The experiment was conducted using 3 different asks:

  “Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine?”
  “Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I have to make copies?”
  “Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I’m in a rush?”

In the first condition, 60% agreed to the request, in the second condition 93% agreed to the request and in the third condition 94% agreed to the request. The point is this – even without a reason, 60% agreed to the request and with a reason it went up to 94% – meaning, all you need to do is ask!

Panhandling Study

In another study by Santos et al. a female student acting as a panhandler asked people on the street for money. In the study, they compared the results of her ‘just asking’ for money with her asking for a strange amount – 17 cents or 37 cents. They found that asking for a strange and specific amount increased compliance by almost 60%. The reason it works according to the authors is that “it disrupts a mindless refusal script.”  The point is if you want, you need to ask! And if you are specific for what you ask? Even better!

Dating Study

The final study we will look at was conducted in late 1978 and again in 1982, where males and females approached members of the opposite sex with 1 of 3 questions: “Would you go out tonight?”, “Will you come to my apartment?”, or “Would you go to bed with me?”

When the males requested:

  A date: they received 56% compliance from the women in 1978 and 50% in 1982

  Coming to the apartment: they received 6% compliance from the women in 1978 and 0% in 1982

  Going to bed: they received 0% compliance from the women in both 1978 and 1982.

When the females requested:

  A date: they received 50% compliance from the men in 1978 and 50% in 1982

  Coming to the apartment: they received 69% compliance from the men in 1978 and 69% in 1982

  Going to bed: they received 75% compliance from the men in 1978 and 69% in 1982

The interesting part is not that so many men would sleep with women they had just met – that we already knew! 😊 The interesting part is that at least 50% of both the men and women would accept a date with someone they had just met, meaning you have at least a 50/50 chance of getting a date – all you need to do is ask!

Now that we know the importance of asking for what you want as well as some evidence that shows the success rates of asking in various situations, it is time to look at some ideas for…

How to Ask for What You Want

There a few things to keep in mind when you ask for what you want including:

(1)  Being clear and specific about what you want:

People are not mind-readers and they don’t know exactly what you want. If they don’t know what you want, how can they give it to you? As we learned in both the panhandler and copy machine studies above, specific requests get better results.

(2)  Expect it and be confident you will get it:

You need to go into the ask with the right mindset.  Confidence is a big part of getting what you want. People can smell confidence or lack of confidence a mile away. So, be confident that you will get what you want.

(3)  Be persistent:

There was another study done by Herbert True, marketing specialist at Notre Dame, related to sales behavior. He found that 44% of sales professionals gave up after calling a prospect once, another 24% gave up after calling them twice, another 14% gave up after calling three times, and 12% quit after the 4^th sales call. All-in-all, 94% gave up after 4 calls. The problem is that 60% of sales come AFTER the 4^th  The moral of the story is that persistence pays off and you need to keep asking!

(4)  Ask the right person:

Many times, we ask someone who is powerless to help us get what we need. So, another point to keep in mind is to ask someone who can get you what you need. You may need to ask questions such as, “With whom do I need to speak to?”, “Who can help me with this?”, “Who is authorized to…?”

Back to My Ill-Fated Trip to Toronto for Christmas

And what it has to do with asking for what you want. So, after the 3^rd flight from NYC to Toronto was canceled, they said there were no more flights going out that night and that we would need to get in line to re-book. Unfortunately, there was only 1 line with two agents and the line was a mile long, at least a couple hundred people in line. Fortunately, I was near the start of the line.

When I got to the front of the line, I asked the agent if they would be giving us hotel rooms and food vouchers for the night. She said that they would not because the flight was canceled due to bad weather. However, as I said earlier, I knew the first flight was canceled due to a mechanical issue. So, I used #4 above and asked to speak to the manager. The manager came and said, “sorry sir, we can’t give you a hotel or food vouchers because the flight was canceled due to weather.” The fact that I KNEW the first flight was canceled due to mechanical issues made me slightly irate and I resorted to #5 on the list above.

Ah right, I forgot to tell you what #5 is! #5 is…

Use creativity and/or humor when asking for something. So very politely I pulled the manager aside and said, ‘Listen I know the first flight was canceled due to mechanical issues. All I am asking for is a hotel and some food vouchers. I would think that if I walked up and down that line of angry people behind me and told them you were giving away hotel rooms and food vouchers it may create some chaos.”

She said, “You wouldn’t!”.

I just smiled and gave her a wink.

“Ok fine,” she said, “stay right there and don’t you dare say a word to anyone!”

Sometimes, you just need to be a little creative and ask for what you want. 😊

Until next time, always ask for what you want, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

Use it or Lose It:

To ask for what you want, do the following:

(1)  Be clear and specific about what you want.
(2)  Expect it and be confident you will get it.
(3)  Be persistent.
(4)  Ask the right person.
(5)  Use creativity and/or humor when asking for something.

When to Use It:

To get what you want.

What Do You Think?

Do you utilize any of the strategies we discussed to ask for what you want? Do you have any other tips? Please share in the comments below!

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References

http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.318.1028&rep=rep1&type=pdf

http://www.communicationcache.com/uploads/1/0/8/8/10887248/hey_buddy_can_you_spare_seventeen_cents_-_mindful_persuasion_and_the_pique_technique.pdf

https://www.sciencefriday.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/gender-differences-in-receptivity-to-sexual-offers.pdf