Check Out These 6 Simple Techniques for Building Rapport!

I think we have all experienced a time in our life when we have met someone and within minutes we feel as if we have known each other forever. For some reason, we ‘just hit it off’.

Then there are times…when the opposite happens. I had just moved to Miami from Canada for grad school and had met my new roommate and…we did not ‘just hit it off’.

It just seemed like we were speaking different languages. For example, when I asked him about the hydro bill…he gave me a strange look. When I said we needed a new chesterfield and asked if he wanted to split the cost, he was like, ‘what?’ Then there was the time when I asked if he had seen my knapsack and he looked at me like I was crazy. Being a big gym goer, I thought I was being nice asking him if he wanted to join me, so he could work on his ‘Molson muscle’, but sadly he had no idea what I meant.

I think the last straw was my telling him that he left his gitch on the washroom floor which almost caused a kerfuffle…More on this story in a bit…if only I had known one of the techniques for building rapport that we are going to discuss today.

What is Rapport?

Rapport is simply the ability to communicate well and share a close relationship with someone by understanding the other person’s feelings and ideas. It is being able to make the other person comfortable and feel at ease in your presence.

Why Building Rapport is So Important

Whether it is for business or pleasure, what’s true is that we are more comfortable with those whom we familiar with – with whom we have a good rapport. People want to give their business and their pleasure to those who they are most comfortable with – we all know this.

In her book, How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships, author Leil Lowndes shares 6 techniques for building rapport that can help develop a deeper empathy and understanding of those from different races and backgrounds. I will explain each technique below along with how to make it actionable.

The 6 Techniques for Building Rapport Are As Follows:

(1)  Be a ‘copyclass’: – Mirror, match, and pace

The first way to build rapport is to mirror and pace the other person’s movements. We are all more comfortable around that move who like we move.  How we move is very much dependent on our backgrounds and where we are from. Think about it, people from the Midwest may stand further apart as they are used to having enough space. While those from big Eastern cities may stand closer as they are used to standing on crowded subways. Some people make modest movements, while others, Italians for example, at least the ones I have met, make massive ones.

How to make it actionable:

As Lowndes suggests, “Watch people. Look at the way they move. Small movements? Big movements? Fast? Slow? Jerky? Fluid? Old? Young?”  The idea is to pretend the other person is your dance partner, watch their movement and their body then mirror and match it. This will help make them more comfortable with you.

(2)  Potent Imaging: Using analogies

This trick for building rapport revolves around using analogies that evoke images from the interests of whomever you are talking to.

How to make it actionable:

The idea is to utilize analogies from their areas of interest to bring situations to life and catch their interest. For example, if you know they are into gardening, an analogy may be ‘sowing the seeds of success’. Perhaps they are into boating, then maybe the analogy could wave ‘staying afloat’ or ‘holding water’ into the conversation. By using analogies from their world and their interests, you will give what you are saying more punch. The key is not to use analogies from areas they are not familiar with, someone who is not a football fan will have no idea what a ‘Hail Mary’ is!

(3)  Employ Empathizers: Ditch the ‘uh huh’ and ‘ummm’!

We have all conversed with someone who uses the ‘uh huh’ or the ‘ummm’ to assure us that they have heard what we said, even though we know they aren’t listening. For many, it is an unconscious habit. While it may be marginally better than staring into space, it is not ideal. The trick for building rapport here is to replace your ‘uh huh’ or ‘ummm’ with what Lowndes calls ‘empathizers’.

How to make it actionable:

To employ empathizers, instead of using a typical grunt ‘uh huh’ or ‘ummm’ instead use short, simple, supportive statements. Some examples are: “That’s really exciting”, “It’s great you felt that way”, or “I’m impressed you did that”.  It makes you come across as not only more articulate, but it makes the other person feel as if you understand what they are saying. There is only one drawback with this technique for building rapport – it means you have to listen! 😉

 

(4)  Automatically correct empathizers: Using the senses

This technique for building rapport has to do with our 5 senses and how we use them to perceive the world around us.  Some of us see the world (visual), some of us hear the world (auditory), some of us taste the world (gustation), some of us smell (olfaction) the world and some of us feel the world (kinesthetic). According to Lowndes, depending on whatever sense is strongest, “neurolinguists suggest invoking our listener’s strongest sense”.

For example, if the person is auditory, instead of saying ‘that looks good’, instead, say, ‘that sounds good’.

How to make it actionable:

It would be too complicated to try to figure out exactly what sense is the strongest for whomever you are talking to. Instead just pay attention to their current mode at that moment.

If their current mode is:

Visual – use visual empathizers such as “I see what you mean”, “That looks good”

Auditory – use auditory empathizers such as “I hear you”, “That sounds good”.

Kinesthetic – use kinesthetic empathizers such as “I see how you feel” or “I have a gut feeling”

As for taste and smell – most people aren’t gustatory or olfactory types at least in terms of communication – so don’t worry about those.

(5)  The ‘premature we’: Using ‘we’ and ‘us’

Another technique Lowdnes discusses for building rapport is by using what she refers to as the ‘premature we’.  When people just meet, they speak in clichés. If they are acquaintances, they speak using facts. When they become friends, they share feelings and ask personal questions. However, when they reach the highest levels of closeness they use ‘we’ and ‘us’ statements.

For example, when you just meet, you may say ‘boy, what beautiful weather we’ve been having.” But when you are close to someone you may say, ‘I hope this beautiful weather sticks around for us, so we can go to the beach’.

How to make it actionable:

The idea here is to sprinkle in the magic words ‘we’, ‘us’, and ‘our’ into your conversations to create the sensation of intimacy and closeness with whomever you are speaking with.

Which brings us to our last technique for building rapport and the one I should have probably used with my new roommate…

(6)  Echoing: Speaking their language

This trick for building rapport is a linguistic device that will help you get on the same wavelength as the other person. Have you ever met someone and within minutes felt that you were completely on the same page with them? It’s a great feeling, right? Like you are old friends. The key here is the dialects and words that people use depending on where they are from, their interests, and their upbringing. People who are like family talk alike and use the same words.

How to make it actionable:

To get on the same wavelength as the other person, Lowndes recommends ‘echoing’. Echoing means using their words and not yours to give them the subliminal feeling that you are alike. The idea is to listen to the adjectives/prepositions/verbs they use and use them in the conversation.

For example, you may call something soda and they may call it pop. You may call it a drugstore, they may call it a pharmacy. They may call it a profession, you may call it a job. You may call it a toddler, they may call it a child. The point is to observe the types of words they use and then ‘echo’ them.

Back to Me and My New Roommate…

For those of you reading this that are Canadian, you will understand what I was talking ‘aboot’ in the opening paragraph. For the others, let me translate.

Hydro bill = utility bill or electric bill

Chesterfield = Couch or sofa

Knapsack = Backpack

Molson muscle = a beer belly

Gitch = how Canadians say underwear

Washroom = ladies’ room or men’s room

Kerfuffle = fight

You see, if only I would have ‘echoed’ what he was saying, we would have been more on the same wavelength and had a better rapport.

Our relationship ended up being a complete ‘Gong Show’ as we never got on the same page. Luckily, he moved out not long after.

Until next time, keep building rapport, don’t leave your gitch on the floor and as always…PYMFP!

–Rick

P.S. In the U.S., ‘Gong Show’ is an intentionally horrible talent show, which is ironically hosted by a Canadian, Mike Myers. However, in Canada, a Gong Show is a wild, crazy or disastrous event or something that has “gone off the rails”.

Use It or Lose It – Building Rapport

To build rapport with someone use the following techniques:

  Mirror, match, and pace their movements.

  Use analogies that are relevant to them.

  Ditch the ‘uh huh’ and ‘ummm’ and instead employ empathizers.

  Employ automatically correct empathizers: use the senses.

  Utilize ‘we’, ‘us’ and ‘our’.

  Speak their language by using echoing.

When to Use It:

For building rapport with whomever you are with – in a business or personal relationship.

What Do You Think?

Have you used any of these techniques for building rapport? Do you have any other techniques that you use? Please discuss in the comments below!

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References

How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships, by Leil Lowndes. McGraw-Hill Education; 2 edition (September 22, 2003)