Mentally Strong People Don’t Do These 13 Things!

I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was 8 years old and was watching TV when I witnessed one of the most amazing things ever. What I saw was a 21-year old kid doing something that was unbelievable to me. The mental strength and courage that he displayed left me and the whole country of Canada in awe. We will come back to his story a little later.  I thought about his story after recently reading a book by Amy Morin called 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success.  Morin’s book discusses 13 things mentally strong people don’t do, then offers strategies on how to build your mental strength and toughen yourself up for each.  The book is quite long and has a ton of stories, so I will take a few things you can try in each of the 13 areas that may apply to you.

I say the ‘areas that may apply to you’ because none of us are either mentally strong or mentally weak. It’s more of a continuum and we all have some degree of mental strength. But we can all get better too. So, don’t think of the 13 strategies below as a checklist, instead, think of them as habits that we fall prey to sometimes and ways to improve them.

Before we get to the strategies below…

Mentally Strong Means What?

According to Morin: “Developing mental strength is about improving your ability to regulate your emotions, manage your thoughts, and behave in a positive manner, despite your circumstances.” ¹

Of course, there are several factors that contribute to how easily you develop mental strength, those being:

Genetics: which play a part in determining if you are prone to mental health disorders like mood disorders.

Personality: there are those of us whose personality cause us to think positively and more realistically.

Experiences: the various experiences we have had in our lives also contribute to how we think about ourselves, others and the world in general.

Clearly, we cannot change some of these factors, and the more serious ones need to be treated by a mental health professional. But that doesn’t mean that for a lot of us we cannot improve.

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do with Some Strategies to Get Stronger – Use it or Lose It

(1)  They don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves

A lot of the problems we face in life are inevitable. However, if we feel sorry for ourselves, it is a choice we have made. But…self-pity won’t resolve our problems.  Remember, you may not always be able to change your circumstances, but you can change your attitude.

Some strategies to become mentally strong:
  Exchange your self-pity for some gratitude, try to replace your negative thoughts with more positive ones.
  Figure out how to solve whatever problem you have.

(2)  They don’t give away their power

Letting others define our self-worth, depending on others to regulate our feelings, holding grudges and blaming others gives away our power.

Some strategies to become mentally strong:
  Set healthy boundaries with people.
  Take full responsibility for how you think, feel and behave.
  Let go of grudges and forgive others.

(3)  They don’t shy away from change

Life changes very quickly, but many of us embrace change much more slowly. The fear of change prevents many of us from stepping out of our comfort zone. But many times, learning to step out of our comfort zone is the first step toward improvement.

Some strategies to become mentally strong:
  Write down a list of the pros and cons of changing versus those of staying the same.
  Focus on one small change at a time and get clear on the steps in the process.

(4)  They don’t worry about pleasing everyone

People pleasing is all about wanting to control how others feel. The problem with trying to please others all the time is that it can make you lose sight of your values and end up making you unhappy.

Some strategies to become mentally strong:
  Think about your values and behave according to them.
  Be ok with saying no if you don’t want to do something.
  Learn to be assertive even if it isn’t comfortable.

(5)  They don’t fear taking calculated risks

Making a decision based on our fears is not a good way to calculate risk. Most of us think that our fears are directly correlated with the risk involved.  According to Morin, “But often, our emotions are just not rational.” ¹  If we just knew how to calculate risk, we’d know which ones were worth taking and not be scared to take them.

Some strategies to become mentally strong:
  Educate yourself on the facts.
  Take time to calculate the risk involved before deciding.

(6)  They don’t dwell on the past

While self-reflection can be good, self-dwelling on the past can be self-destructive. As Tony Robbins says, “the past does not equal the future.” Learn from the past and let it go so you can focus on the present and plan for the future.

Some strategies to become mentally strong:
  Learn from the past and move on.
  When thinking about the past, focus on facts instead of emotions.

(7)  They don’t make the same mistakes over and over

Making excuses or trying to hide your mistakes will only cause you to repeat them. Instead, look at them not as a negative but an opportunity to get better.

Some strategies to become mentally strong:
  Acknowledge mistakes and create a written plan so you don’t repeat them.
  Identify triggers and warning signs.
  Share them with others so they don’t make the same mistakes.

(8)  They don’t resent other people’s success

Resenting other people’s success is typically due to deep-rooted insecurities. But the problem is it won’t get us closer to our goals.

Some strategies to become mentally strong:
  Focus on you and your strengths.
  Celebrate other’s successes and understand they don’t make you any less of a person.
  Cooperate instead of competing.

(9)  They don’t give up after the first failure

Mentally strong people realize that mistakes and failures mean they are a step closer to their goals. Many times, we make failures out to be worse than they are. Instead, focus on the process rather than the outcome.

Some strategies to become mentally strong:
  View failure or mistakes as learning opportunities.
  Develop new plans to increase your chance for success.

(10)  They don’t fear alone time

Many of us fear alone time as a lack of activity feels uncomfortable. The fact of the matter is that a little solitude gives us time to reflect, think and contemplate life.

Some strategies to become mentally strong:
  Take some time every day to be alone with your thoughts.
  Practice meditation, mindfulness, and journaling.

(11)  They don’t feel the world owes them anything

Having a sense of entitlement and feeling like the world owes you something is a losing strategy. Mentally strong people accept the hand they have been dealt, and are more focused on what they can give to others.

Some strategies to become mentally strong:
  Focus on what you can give rather than what you want to get.
  Take others and their feelings into consideration.

(12)  They don’t expect immediate results

As fast-paced as the world is, we can’t get everything we want right away. Expecting stuff to happen right away can set us up for failure. Remember improvement takes time.

Some strategies to become mentally strong:
  Have realistic expectations for how long it will take you to achieve something.
  Figure out how to measure your progress along the way.
  Plan the work, then work the plan!

Back to the 21-year-old, I Saw on TV

When he was 18, he was diagnosed with osteosarcoma, a type of cancer that typically starts near the knees. Doctors told him that his leg needed to be amputated and that his chance of survival was 50%. Within 3 weeks, he was walking with the help of an artificial leg. Feeling angry about the lack of money dedicated to cancer research he decided to do something about it.

Then on April 12, 1980, he dipped his toe into the Atlantic Ocean near St. John’s Newfoundland and embarked on “The Marathon of Hope”. He had decided to run a marathon every day all the way across Canada to raise money for cancer research.

While he was a great example of the previous 12 things mentally strong people don’t do he was an amazing example of the 13^th which is…

(13)  They don’t focus on things they can’t control

Mentally strong people don’t waste time or mental energy on things they cannot control. Instead, they focus on what they can control which many times is simply their behavior and attitude.

Some strategies to become mentally strong:
  Focus on what is within your control.
  Ask for help when you need it, delegate stuff to others when appropriate.

His name was Terry Fox…

…and he ran a marathon every day for 143 days straight!  However, on September 1^st, outside Thunder Bay, Ontario he experienced shortness of breath and chest pain. The next day he tearfully announced that his cancer had returned and spread and the Marathon of Hope would have to end.  Sadly, he ended up passing away on June 28, 1981.

But not before becoming a Canadian national hero and not before teaching us all many valuable lessons. One of which was that he knew he couldn’t control each aspect of his health or even the spread of cancer throughout his body. Instead, he focused on what he could control which was raising money for cancer research. And to this day, countries around the world take part in the Terry Fox run which has raised over $650 million to date for cancer research!

Until next time, keep being mentally strong and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

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When to Use It:

Try out some of Amy Morin’s strategies that we discussed above for becoming mentally stronger in different areas.

What Do You Think?

Are there any of the habits above that you can become mentally stronger at? Please share in the comments below!

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References

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success By Amy Morin, Harper Collins Publishers 2014