Being Humble: This is How to Retain Your Humility

Let’s start this blog post on the importance of being humble with the story of “Lola the Whale”:

 “Lola the Whale was big – very big – and lonely – very lonely. For years she had wanted nothing to do with anyone, and she had become sadder and sadder. Whenever anyone tried to get close to her and cheer her up, Lola would move off.

 Many thought that she was the most unpleasant whale in the world, and they started ignoring her. They did so, despite the fact that old Turga, a hundred-year-old sea turtle, told them that Lola had always been a good, kind whale.

 One day, Dido, a young dolphin, heard the whole story and decided to secretly follow the whale. She found out that Lola behaved very strangely. The whale would beat her mouth against the rocks, endanger herself by swimming between the biggest waves and the coast, and go to the seafloor and eat sand. No one knew it, but Lola had terribly bad breath because a little fish had got trapped in a corner of her mouth. This problem embarrassed Lola so much that she didn’t dare to speak to anyone. When Dido realized this, she offered to help, but Lola didn’t want to bother her with her bad breath. Nor did she want anyone to find out.

 “I don’t want them to think I have bad breath,” said Lola.

 “Is that why you’ve spent so much time away from everyone?” answered Dido, unable to believe it. “They don’t think you’ve got bad breath, they think you’re unpleasant, boring, and ungrateful, and that you hate everyone. Do you think that’s better?”

 Lola realized that her pride – her exaggerated shyness, and not letting anyone help – had created an even greater problem. Full of regret, she asked Dido to remove the remains of the fish in her mouth.

 When this was done, Lola began speaking to everyone again. However, she had to make a big effort to be accepted again by her friends. Lola decided that never again would she fail to ask for help when she really needed it.” ³

It’s Hard to Be Humble!

Unlike Lola the Whale, when  Sarah Robb O’Hagan, author of Extreme You: Step Up, Stand Out, Kick-Ass, Repeat, was first hired at Nike as an executive she received some sage advice from one of the HR managers who was responsible for her hiring and onboarding, who told her:

“Spend your first six months with your mouth closed and your eyes and ears wide open—just be a sponge.” ¹

In other words, what he was really trying to get across to her was the importance of being humble.

Whether it is starting a new job or meeting new people, it is human nature to feel like you need to prove yourself.  While it may involve you eating a piece of humble pie, it is critical to listen to what others say, to understand their needs and get their perspectives.

But why is it easier said than done?

Well, it relates back to what we discussed in a previous blog post on the SCARF model.  Recall that there are 5 types of social threats that can elicit a pain response for us as humans.

(1)  Pain from Status threats:

Our relative importance to others (by making a request of others, we may feel we have lowered our status due to a lack of knowledge or ability)

(2)  Pain from Certainty threats:

Our ability to predict the future. (we don’t know how they will answer)

(3)  Pain from Autonomy threats:

Our ability to maintain a sense of control over events. (since we have no choice but to accept their answer, we have given up a bit of autonomy)

(4)  Pain from Relatedness threats:

Being able to feel safe when with others (if they say no we see it as a personal rejection which creates a relatedness threat.)

(5)  Pain from Fairness threats:

Our perception of fair exchanges with others. (and obviously, when they say no it won’t seem fair!)

The mere act of asking someone for help can bring pain via status threats as we may feel we have lowered our status due to a lack of knowledge or ability.

The Importance of Being Humble

As O’Hagan explains:

“Being humble—earning your place by listening before you talk and showing that you care about what matters to those who are there ahead of you—isn’t just good office politics. It’s not just the price of admission; it’s a lifetime commitment that you need to keep renewing throughout your career.” ¹

While O’Hagan discusses the importance of being humble in a career context, it is crucial to whatever life situation you find yourself in. None of us know everything, and there is always something we can learn from everyone we meet.

Humility as a Predictor of Success

What’s interesting is that being humble isn’t just a good trait to have as a leader, it also a predictor of professional performance.

Studies that were done at the University of Washington and the Marriott School of Management revealed that: “Humility was the strongest predictor of high performance, even more than intelligence and conscientiousness” ²

How cool is that? Just by putting your ego aside and listening and learning from others you can surge ahead of and outperform many of those around you.

4 Ways to Retain Your Humility

Now that we have discussed the importance of keeping our pride in check and being open to listening and learning, let’s some actionable advice from O’Hagan on being humble:

(1)  Be Ok with Admitting What You Don’t Know

As we said earlier, admitting you don’t know something can be painful and awkward due to the status threat is poses.

However, as O’Hagan points out:

“I have often been surprised that as soon as I asked for help, others didn’t see me as weak—in fact, they seemed to gain respect because I took the time to develop a missing skill.” ¹

I believe this is due to the fact that being humble and a little vulnerable is endearing and makes you more real. None of us can know everything and by admitting that can be a great way to build trust and bring others closer to us.

(2)  Learn from Anyone and Everyone Around You

What’s true is that we can learn something from anyone we meet. And that goes for those both senior and junior to us.

A word of caution, however, if it is a work environment, being vulnerable can sometimes backfire depending on the culture of where you work. There are some environments where sadly, you can get eaten alive. So, in those cases, it is best to look for safe situations to admit what you don’t know to reflect your humility.

In most situations, O’Hagan says, “…by all means do it. In fact, right now, repeat after me, “I don’t know. Explain it to me.” The more you use this phrase, the more you’ll learn and the more allies you’ll develop.” ¹

(3)  Go Ahead and Get Awkward

No matter how awkward and tough it may be to admit you don’t know something, O’Hagan advises to go ahead and do it anyway:

 “Get out there and suck at something. Commit, today, to exploring a new experience that you know absolutely nothing about. Feel again what it is to be humbled by your lack of skill and experience. Write about those feelings so you can refer back to them anytime in your life and career when you kind sorta suspect you might be getting ahead of your skis. If you’re not experiencing those feelings with some frequency, chances are you’re not stubborn enough in your humility”.  ¹

(4)  Value Your Setbacks

Instead of looking at setbacks as failures, look at them as learning opportunities and chances to improve yourself. One way to create value from a setback is to reflect on the experience and what you may have done differently to get a different result.

Back to Lola the Whale

As we learned from her story, sometimes not asking for help and not being humble can present you with even bigger problems.

So, on that note, I ask you, “Does anyone have a breath mint they can give me?”

Until next time, keep being humble, pass the Altoids, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.

Use it Or Lose It

Some of the ideas we discussed for being humble above were:

(1)  Be Ok with Admitting What You Don’t Know
(2)  Learn from Anyone and Everyone Around You
(3)  Go Ahead and Get Awkward
(4)  Value Your Setbacks

When to Use It

Use these strategies for being humble whenever applicable in your life.

What Do You Think?

What do you think of the importance of being humble and some of the strategies we discussed for being humble? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

¹ Extreme You: Step Up, Stand Out, Kick-Ass, Repeat by Sarah Robb O’Hagan

²  Bradley P. Owens et al., “Expressed Humility in Organizations: Implications for Performance, Teams, and Leadership,” Organization Science 24, no. 5 (September–Octo-ber 2013): 1517–38, [http:/faculty.washington.edu/mdj3/Humility%20and%20performance.pdf]http:/faculty.washington.edu/mdj3/Humility%20and%20performance.pdf

3 https://freestoriesforkids.com/children/stories-and-tales/lola-whale