Breaking the Ice with Strangers: This is How to Do It!
Have you ever wanted to initiate a conversation with someone but were unsure about how to break the ice? I think we have all been there at some point in time. Even though I am a very outgoing guy, there are still times when breaking the ice is something I struggle with. I recently read a really good book by small-talk expert Don Gabor called ‘How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends’. One of the sections deals with how to’s related to breaking the ice. And not long after reading it I had the perfect opportunity to try out what I had learned.
Last year, I was flying home to Miami from Toronto after visiting family during the Christmas holidays. Shortly after taking off, I made eye contact several times with the girl across the aisle. We exchanged smiles, and I could tell she wanted me to say something to her, but I think she was a little shy. That’s when I decided to try out one of Gabor’s 4 natural ways for breaking the ice. More on that in a little bit…
Breaking the Ice
Many times, we want to start a conversation with a stranger but are not sure how to break the ice. The problem is that if the other person is in the same predicament then no conversation will take place due to the stalemate taking place.
There are Many Reasons That People Don’t Initiate Conversations
However, the most common reason is fear of rejection. But remember, stepping out of your comfort zone and risking rejection is part of life. And if you think about it, how bad can being rejected by someone you don’t even know be anyways?
But on the Other Hand…
By breaking the ice and being the first one to speak you not only increase your chance of getting positive responses, but you also open yourself up to positive experiences and meeting new people!
And by being the first one to speak up you are able to control the direction of the conversation which shows the other person you are friendly and confident. It also can be seen as a compliment by the other person that you want to engage in conversation with them.
In his book, Gabor provides…
4 Simple Ways for How to Break the Ice
Which we will briefly review:
(1) Use Open and Close-Ended Ritual Questions
One of the best and easiest ways for how to break the ice with someone is to simply ask open or closed-ended ritual questions. Ritual questions are simply questions that give you some background information on the other person that you can use to get to know them and continue the conversation. They are related to the other person’s education, family, background, occupation etc. For example, “where did you grow up?”
You can use either closed-ended ritual questions which require a ‘yes or no’ answer or open-ended ritual questions which inspire the other person to talk.
The best advice Gabor gives in this area is that “closed-ended questions are useful for breaking the ice and finding out some basic facts, but they are more effective when followed with an open-ended question.” 1
The idea is to fish for topics of interest by using closed-ended questions. Then once you have a bite to follow up with open-ended questions.
For example, you may ask someone what they do which is a closed-ended question. Once they respond you can follow it up by asking how they got involved in that line of work.
(2) Drop a spontaneous positive or humorous comment
The second way Gabor recommends for how to break the ice is by making a spontaneous positive or humorous comment regarding something you both observe.
Making a comment on a shared experience is a technique you can use to ignite further conversation. Just make sure to keep it lighthearted and upbeat rather than negative or complaining. The idea is to observe and listen to people and then make a witty or humorous comment to make people laugh.
(3) Be complimentary
Giving another person a compliment followed by a close-ended question is another nice way for how to break the ice with a stranger.
We all like compliments and by following it up with a close-ended question it gives them a chance to give a quick reply. It can also limit the embarrassment some feel when being complimented by a stranger.
For example, “that’s a great dog, what kind is it?”
There are a few do’s and don’ts that Gabor recommends when giving compliments.
DO’s: keep them short and sincere, follow up the compliment with a question.
DON’T’s: be too personal, go too overboard, keep saying the same compliment over and over.
(4) “Hi, my name is…”
The last way that Gabor recommends for how to break the ice is to simply introduce yourself and then follow it up with a question or a comment. It will show you have confidence and are interested in the other person. And the sooner you introduce yourself the better and the more comfortable people will be around you. Again, keep your comments positive and the questions you ask simple and straightforward.
Ah right, back to my story about…
My Flight Back to Miami…
So, the next time I and the girl on the other side of the aisle made eye contact I decided to use my newfound knowledge using one of the ways for how to break the ice. So, I tried making a positive or lighthearted comment. Noticing that she had something in her hands the whole flight that she wouldn’t let go of, I smiled and asked her if it was a Christmas gift.
At that point, she turned away and ignored me for several seconds. I wasn’t sure if she was shy or playing hard to get. Then suddenly she turned back around, and I asked another lighthearted question, “can I have it?”
That was the question that broke the ice as she laughed and said, “no, it’s mine!”.
The woman beside her, her Mom, laughed as well and said: “she’s a little shy at first…”
The rest of the flight, me and her daughter became fast friends as she told me all about her great Christmas.
What was the object in her hands? Yup, a teddy bear!
Kids are the best and always seem to bring a smile to your face.
Until next time, keep breaking the ice and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick
Use It or Lose It – Breaking the Ice
As we just discussed, Gabor offers 4 suggestions for breaking the ice:
(1) Use open and close-ended ritual questions.
(2) Drop a spontaneous positive or humorous comment.
(3) Be complimentary.
(4) “Hi, my name is…” – Introduce yourself.
When to Use It:
When breaking the ice to start a conversation.
What Do You Think?
Have you used any of these techniques for breaking the ice with strangers? Do you have any others that you use? Please share in the comments below!
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References
1 Gabor, D., 2011. How To Start A Conversation And Make Friends. New York, NY, U.S.A.: Touchstone.
I don’t usually have too much difficulty in starting up a conversation one on one. It is sometimes difficult if you walk into a room full of strangers. It is often overwhelming. I was walking the track at the Y and a guy caught up with me and asked if he could walk with me. We are now friends and we share a lot of interesting conversations. I don’t even know his name. Initially I was taken aback ; however, I just think he is a friendly person and likes to have good conversations.
Hi Eileen, That is a great story. Sometimes we need to be aware that others are trying to break the ice with us and you never know where it could lead as your story proves. Thanks! Rick