This is How to Say No to the Reciprocity Principle

A few weeks ago, I was at my local health food store picking up some protein powder. As I was walking out, there was a pretty brunette giving away free samples. Of course, I grabbed a few and engaged in some friendly chit-chat. She went on to tell me about the benefits of the product she was representing, and I ended up buying something. It’s almost like I felt obligated because she gave me a bunch of free stuff. Yup, I had been a victim of the reciprocity principle.

What it the Reciprocity Principle?

The reciprocity principle is one of the most important and powerful factors in persuasion and influence. It is simply the tendency for human beings in all cultures to repay or reciprocate favors or gifts given to us. The reciprocity principle has been present throughout human history. Archaeologists Richard Leakey and Roger Lewin attribute it as the primary reason humans are able to thrive and survive, “We are human because our ancestors learned to share their food and their skills in an honored network of obligation,” ¹ For example, one member of the group would watch the kids while another member hunted for the food.

The key word as to why the reciprocity principle works is the word ‘obligation’ when someone does something nice for us, we feel we should repay them; we feel obligated.

Each of us has been taught to comply with and live up to it since we were young. In fact, we even feel a certain disdain for those who take something without giving something in return. We label these types of people with such negative labels as ‘takers’, ‘exploiters’, ‘moochers’, ‘ingrates’, etc.

There are a couple interesting studies that show the power of the reciprocity principle in action…

The Christmas Card Example

A study was done in 1978 by Phillip Kunz where he sent a bunch of Christmas cards to a group of complete strangers. Interestingly, he received a ton of Christmas cards back from them, the majority not even asking who he was or trying to get to know him. They were simply responding to his gesture with a reciprocal gesture. ³

The Soft Drink Example

In this study conducted by Dennis Regan, subjects thought they were part of a two-person art appreciation study with a partner named Joe, who was actually Dennis’ assistant. The experiment was done under two conditions.  During one condition, Joe left the room and returned with a Coke for himself and one for the other person. And during the other condition, he returned empty-handed. At the end of the study, Joe would ask the other person to buy a raffle ticket from him. Those whom he did the favor for, bringing them a Coke, bought twice as many raffle tickets as those he did not do a favor for. This example shows just how easy it is for us to be exploited by the reciprocity principle!

What Makes the Reciprocity Principle So Easy to Exploit?

The fact that we feel obligated to repay others is the essence of the reciprocity principle. However, the obligation to accept is what makes the reciprocity principle so easy to exploit. By being obligated to accept whatever we are offered, whom we are indebted to and our ability to choose is put in the hands of others. Just think about it – saying no to someone is hard because you don’t want to offend them. The problem is, you are then indebted to them even if the favor was uninvited.

How the Reciprocity Principle Is Used to Exploit Us

We can all think of countless examples of how the reciprocity principle has been used to exploit us. Some popular examples are:

Hare Krishna’s – giving flowers to people, saying they cannot take them back under any circumstances, and then asking the target to make a donation to the Society.

Free samples or free trials – whether it is at the grocery store, getting a free trial of software online or access to free content.

Charities – who put free address labels in their fundraising direct mailings and then ask for a donation.

Job candidates – who receive some type of company ‘swag’ at interviews or job fairs.

Amazon or iBooks – who give free samples (usually the first 10%) of any book.

Uber – when they gave free rides to students during the 2013 bus strike in Boston.

Another Similar Tactic That is Used on Us

Is what is known as ‘reciprocal concessions’ and it is used to get someone to comply with a request. This often happens when someone lowers their initial request to something less. The reciprocity principle makes us feel obligated to accept something when someone has made a concession to us.

Robert Cialdini uses a personal example to demonstrate reciprocal concessions in his best-selling book, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. Cialdini is walking down the street when he is confronted by a Boy Scout who asks him to buy tickets to an upcoming circus, to which he declines. The boy then follows up his initial request with “if you don’t want to buy any tickets, how about buying some of our big chocolate bars? They’re only a dollar each.” ² Even though he doesn’t like chocolate bars, Cialdini buys two. This is due to the fact that he felt obligated to make a concession to someone who made a concession to him.

Now that we have a good understanding of the reciprocity principle and how it can be used to exploit us in a couple of different ways, let’s discuss…

How to Say No to the Reciprocity Principle

By doing us a favor or giving us something, the other person is using a powerful ally in getting us to do something for them – the reciprocity principle. We would think we have only two choices: succumb to the reciprocity principle and give in to their request OR say no and feel guilty that we have violated our deeply conditioned feelings of the obligation to reciprocate.

However, according to Cialdini, there is another option: “Fortunately, these are not our only choices. With the proper understanding of the nature of our opponent, we can come away from the compliance battlefield unhurt and sometimes even better off than before.” ²

His advice is to see the reciprocity rule as the opponent…

…instead of the other person. The idea is to defuse its energy so as not to be abused by it.

How can we do this?

Cialdini’s solution is to simply accept the offers of others but to “accept those offers only for what they fundamentally are, not for what they are represented to be.” ²

So, if someone does something nice for us and we accept it, we are doing so knowing that we have obligated ourselves to return that favor in the future. Yes, we have given in to the reciprocity principle, but since it was well-intentioned, we are simply participating in the “honored network of obligation” that has existed since the beginning of man.

However, if we believe that the initial favor has been a trick or a tactic to gain our compliance to exploit us, that is a different story. As Cialdini says, “As long as we perceive and define his action as a compliance device instead of a favor, he no longer has the reciprocation rule as an ally: The rule says that favors are to be met with favors; it does not require that tricks be met with favors.” In which case he says we should redefine whatever we have received not as gifts but as sales devices. At that point, you can either accept or deny the request.

Not This Time!

The other day I was confronted with the reciprocity principle rule once again. I received something in the mail, it included 10 free stamps as well as a request for me to purchase something else.

With my newfound understanding of the reciprocity principle, I handled the situation in a way I may not have previously. I took Cialdini’s advice and realized that the free stamps were being used as a sales device to invoke the reciprocity principle and make me feel obligated to comply with the request.

So, what did I do? I denied the request and did not purchase whatever it was they were selling. I also took one more piece of Cialdini’s advice, I kept the stamps without a feeling of guilt. As he says, “After all, the reciprocity rule asserts that if justice is to be done, exploitation attempts should be exploited.”

Until next time, be aware of the reciprocity principle and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

Use It or Lose It:

To say no to the reciprocity principle, use the following advice from Robert Cialdini:

  Accept their offer.

  Think about the intention of the gift/favor.

  If you believe it was given with good intentions, be open to reciprocating in the future.

  If however, you believe it was given as a trick to exploit you, then see it for what it was…a sales device. You are then free to accept/deny it without feeling any guilt from the reciprocity principle.

When to Use It:

When someone gives you something or does you a favor.

What Do You Think?

Do you have any stories on how the reciprocity principle has appeared in your life – good or bad? Will Cialdini’s advice help you in future situations when you are confronted with the reciprocity principle? Please share in the comments below!

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References

1 Leakey, R., and R. Lewin. People of the Lake. New York: Anchor Press/Doubleday, 1978.

2 Cialdini, R. B. (2007). Influence: The psychology of persuasion.

3 Kunz, Phillip R; Woolcott, Michael (1976-09-01). “Season’s greetings: From my status to yours”. Social Science Research. 5 (3): 269–278. doi:10.1016/0049-089X(76)90003-X.

4 Regan, Dennis T. (1971-11-01). “Effects of a favor and liking on compliance”. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. 7 (6): 627–639. doi:10.1016/0022-1031(71)90025-4.