This is How to Interrupt Others and Still Have Them Love You!

I am sure that most, if not all of us, were told when we were younger that it is rude to interrupt!  And while I could not agree more, there are times when it is not only appropriate but necessary to interrupt. For example, there are those times when you are catching flak or abuse from someone and want to turn their diatribe into a conversation. I will give another example on when it is appropriate to interrupt a bit later – at least in my opinion.

However, if you are going to interrupt, you need to do it correctly!

According to George J. Thompson, Ph.D., author of Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion, there is only one way for how to interrupt someone.  And that way just happens to be by using one of the most powerful verbal tools Thompson knows of, which is paraphrasing.

The Art of Paraphrasing

In order to paraphrase someone all you need to do is put what they are trying to convey into your words and then send it back to them.

This strategy for how to interrupt someone can be used in many situations including those when others are using aggressive words.

As Thompson advises, “If you’re taking abuse, you want to somehow intrude so you can make the diatribe a conversation. Then you can cast what you think lies behind his aggressive words (his real point) in your own words (which will be calmer because you’re not the emotionally charged one here), and be sure that you have heard it correctly.” ¹

Two Steps for How to Interrupt by Paraphrasing

When thinking about how to interrupt someone, there are 2 steps that Thompson recommends:

(1)  Swing your sword

The first step gives you a weapon that allows you to cut into the other person’s tirade to take control.

While you probably want to say, “get to the point!”, all that will get you is “I am trying to, but you aren’t listening.”

Instead, use what Thompson calls “the Sword of Insertion” which has you insert a “Whoa!” or “Listen” (not in anger but spoken earnestly), or “Wait just a second”.

(2)  Use the ultimate empathetic sentence

Once you have used the sword of insertion, he recommends following it up with the following sentence: “Let me make sure I heard what you just said.” and then paraphrase what they have said.

The reason this works so magically according to Thompson is that:

“This simple sentence is so empathetic, so full of conciliation and cooperation, so pregnant with sincerity, that you’ll hardly ever see someone let it slide by. What you’re saying is, in essence, is “Let me be sure I understand you. Let me be sure we’re on the same wavelength. Let me be sure I heard that.” ¹

In essence, what you are doing is becoming a picture of empathy. By telling them you are trying hard to understand what they are saying, they will be sure to be quiet and listen to ensure you heard them correctly.

Why Interrupting Via Paraphrasing is So Effective

Thompson gives 14 reasons why paraphrasing is the only effective way for how to interrupt someone:

(1)  They will listen

As Thompson says, “Magically, in one sentence, by paraphrasing you’ve hooked the other person. He’s listening. Using the Sword of Insertion with that sentence is the only way I know to interrupt somebody without generating further resistance.” ¹

(2)  You take control

Whoever is talking is in control. So, by paraphrasing, you are talking and thus in control.

(3)  You make sure you have heard things right

If you have not understood someone right, it is better to find out now rather than later.

(4)  They can correct you

By paraphrasing what they have said correctly, you are giving them a chance to correct you.  And as Thompson points out: “That fills your pockets with ammunition. The more you know about somebody, the better, and the more he speaks, the more he reveals about his emotions, his prejudices, and his assumptions.” ¹

(5)  You have made them a better listener

We all know that everyone’s favorite subject is themselves. So, by paraphrasing what someone has said they will want to listen intently to their own point of view.

(6)  Empathy has been created

Whether or not you are interested in them is irrelevant, the fact of the matter is that by paraphrasing you have created empathy. This will mean that they believe you are in fact trying to understand them.

(7)  You have garnered attention

After using the “sword of insertion” and uttered the ultimate empathetic sentence that we discussed above, you now have their attention. Now, Thompson advises that you say something like, “So, you are feeling X because of Y, correct?” This gives them the opportunity to correct either the emotion you identified for X or the reason you identified for Y. The idea is to get things right and get the other person to be more reasonable without you yelling, “Be reasonable!”

(8)  Overcomes “Sonic attention”

Thompson explains the concept of “sonic attention” as follows: “People often think they have said something because they heard themselves say it in their mind, or because they had so carefully rehearsed it…Bottom line: if people think they said something, they said it, and no amount of argument or evidence will change their minds.” ¹

(9)  There is a clarifying effect for others in the vicinity

When you are trying to deal with a problematic person in public, the last thing you want is to be overheard sounding bad. By using paraphrasing, you tone down the volume and turn the diatribe into a conversation. This gives the impression that you are trying to solve a problem rather than react to it.

(10)  Meta-phrasing is prevented 

Another benefit to paraphrasing for how to interrupt is that it prevents putting words into other people’s mouths, also known as meta-phrasing. The problem with meta-phrasing is that we end up paraphrasing people as we would have said it, which just insults and pisses people off.

(11)  Reverse paraphrasing

You can get them to reverse paraphrase. The act of reverse paraphrasing is simply having them repeat back to you what you have said. This is done to ensure that they understood you and what you meant. According to Thompson, “The key is not to ask for a negative answer. Ask the person to tell you what you said, and you’ll get an accurate reading of how you’ve communicated. Remember, the responsibility for the understanding belongs to the speaker, not the listener. Your job is to get through.” ¹

(12)  You safeguard yourself

By repeating back to them what they have said you are making sure you are on the same page. This confirmation of understanding can save you a big headache later and minimize the chances of them saying, “that’s not what I said”.

(13)  “The fair play response” is generated

The act of paraphrasing has a way of generating what Thompson refers to as “the fair play response”. As he says: “Whoever you’re paraphrasing is almost psychologically forced to play by the same rules and paraphrase you. People will generally treat you the way you treat them. It’s kind of the Golden Rule again, applied to communication: Treat others as you would want to be treated under identical circumstances. So, if you use paraphrasing, if you work people skillfully, they’re apt—even despite their intentions—to give you equal time.” ¹

(14) Your own memory is reinforced

By paraphrasing, you help etch the facts in your mind thereby reinforcing your own memory.

Recently I Had an Opportunity…

…to put my newfound skill of how to interrupt someone to good use – or so I thought.

Have you ever been in a conversation with a rambler?  You know, those people who just go on and on and on without making a point. Well, that was the situation I found myself in recently, so rather than say “get to the point”, I used the advice given by Thompson.

First, I swung my sword and said, “Wait just a second” to interrupt and it worked like a charm.

Next, I used the empathetic sentence, “Let me make sure I heard what you just said.” I then proceeded to paraphrase what they had just said. The problem was that they rambled so damn much I couldn’t remember what they said!

I guess it is time to go back and re-read the blog post I wrote on how to improve your memory!!  And just a word to the wise, if you are going to interrupt a rambler, do it early enough in the conversation that you can remember what they said!

Until next time, know how to interrupt, watch out for ramblers, and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick

P.S. Wanna know more? Check out the entire book.

Use it Or Lose It

When thinking about how to interrupt someone, there are 2 steps that Thompson recommends that we discussed above:

(1) Swing your sword:  by inserting a “Whoa!” or “Listen” (not in anger but spoken earnestly), or “Wait just a second”.

(2) Use the ultimate empathetic sentence: then follow it up with the following sentence: “Let me make sure I heard what you just said.” and then paraphrase what they have said.

When to Use It

Use this technique for how to interrupt someone when you are catching flak or abuse from someone or other relevant situations.

What Do You Think?

What do you think of this technique for how to interrupt someone? Have you ever used it? Will you use it? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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References

¹ Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion by George J. Thompson, PhD