Eye Contact Communication: How to Have an Eye For It!
This may come across as being a little cocky and arrogant, but it’s the truth – I am exceptionally good at staring contests. I’m not sure if it is because I am a very disciplined person or perhaps it is because I am really into studying body language and eye contact communication.
In any event, as I said, I am extremely dominant when it comes to staring contests. A perfect example is when I was in a meeting a couple years ago and was sitting beside a fellow executive who had been recently hired.
A few of us who arrived early were sitting there chatting waiting for everyone else to arrive. All-of-a-sudden, I got this weird feeling, you know when you can feel someone staring at you?
Yes, that feeling!
So, I turn to my left and sure enough, the new guy is staring at me.
Mind you he is sitting right beside me, not quite close enough to be in my personal space but close enough.
Anyway, I wasn’t sure how to react, so I gave him an awkward half smile, hoping he would reciprocate and break the proverbial ice. However, he didn’t smile back, he just kept staring, without blinking.
Finally, after a couple more awkward seconds, my study of eye contact communication paid off and I now understood exactly what was going on. His unspoken message to me was now crystal clear.
Game recognizes game!
I’m not sure how, but obviously he sensed that I was the staring contest alpha in the group. And being the new guy, he wanted to exert his dominance by knocking the king off his pedestal by challenging me to one.
So, even though our meeting was about to commence, I could not refuse a challenge. So, I stopped smiling and met his stare. Mano-a-mano.
It was on like Donkey Kong!
Who won? You will need to wait until the end of the post to find out!
Eye Contact Communication – Important Things to Know
We have all heard the claims that only 7% of communication is verbal and that the other 93% is comprised of body language and tone of voice. Whether or not those numbers are accurate is not the point of today’s post. Body language is important and eye contact is a big part of that. So, it only makes sense that we should know as much about it as possible.
As the old saying goes ‘the eyes are windows to the soul’ and by paying attention to eye contact communication you can often figure out what someone is thinking and what they may do.
Being a curious guy, I am always trying to find out answers to questions I have on certain topics.
One of the topics I am interested in learning more about is eye contact communication. So, I wrote down some questions and then did some research to find out the answers. Here now are some of the questions and answers with respect to eye contact communication:
Do dilated pupils really mean you are attracted to someone or something?
Depending on the situation, yes. According to Joe Navarro, author or ‘What Every Body is Saying’, “Research has shown that once we move beyond a startle response when we like something we see, our pupils dilate; when we don’t, they constrict.” 1 If we are aroused, we open our eyes open wide which causes our pupils to dilate to let in a maximum amount of light.
Make it actionable: Although it is sometimes difficult to recognize, do not undervalue whether someone’s pupils are dilated as a way to assess a person’s likes or dislikes.
When people squint, what does it mean?
This is a common sense one. We squint to keep out light, but we also squint when we don’t like something or when we are angry.
Make it actionable: Be wary of squinting when you are angry or displeased if you are trying to conceal your emotions. Use it when dealing with others, as it can be a sign they are angry or displeased and may also reflect a negative emotion or thought.
What can be gathered from someone’s eyebrows?
Eyebrows arched up and eyebrows arched down have different meanings. When arching up they convey positive feelings and emotions, or surprise, as well as high confidence. When arching down they convey negative feelings and emotions and low confidence while indicating possible insecurity and weakness.
Make it actionable: Observing the arch of someone’s eyebrows during a conversation can give you valuable insight into what they are seeing and/or feeling. Being mindful of your own eyebrows arching can ensure you are communicating a certain intent.
I heard someone talking about ‘flashbulb eyes’ and the ‘eye flash’, what is that about?
When someone really likes something they see, as we said their pupils dilate, their eyebrows raise and many times they open their eyes super wide almost like they have been affected by a flashbulb. Flashbulb eyes are associated with positive feelings and surprise. The eye flash is similar to flashbulb eyes, but it is a quicker version and associated with a pleasant surprise.
How to make it actionable: When trying to convey a positive reaction to something someone tells you. When someone else does it, it is seen as a positive display. It is also a great way to greet someone when you want them to know you are happy to see them.
What does it mean if someone blinks a lot? Or not a lot?
Generally, we blink more in situations where we are nervous, troubled, aroused or concerned. When we are relaxed, we stop blinking. Our eyes may flutter a lot if someone says something we disagree with or don’t like. They may also flutter if we are having a hard time expressing ourselves or when we are under stress.
How to make it actionable: It can be an indicator of how someone is responding to something you are saying. It may also mean that they are having difficulty getting something across or if they are under stress.
What is the role of eye contact in persuasion?
According to a study, eye contact may make people more resistant to persuasion, especially if they already disagree with you. The study found that the longer the participants in the study looked at a speaker’s eyes, the less they were persuaded by the person’s argument. The only time they were more receptive by looking into the person’s eyes was when they agreed with them in the first place.
How to make it actionable: You may want to think twice about telling someone to look at you when they already disagree with you, as it may backfire. And if someone is trying to sell you something you have no interest in, increase the eye contact. On the other hand, if you really want something, you may want to look away a bit.
Are there cultural differences when it comes to eye contact?
Yes! There are many cultural differences when it comes to eye contact communication. Children in Japan are taught to look at their teacher’s Adam’s apple. Japanese adults when speaking to a superior lower their eyes as a sign of respect. In many cultures such as Nigeria and East Asia not looking the dominant person in the eye is seen as being respectful. Whereas in some cultures not looking someone in the eye is a sign of extreme disrespect.
How to make it actionable: Being mindful of eye contact when dealing with people from other cultures and not taking their different behaviors in the wrong way.
Is there an optimal amount of time to maintain eye contact?
According to a study, the average amount of preferred eye contact is just over 3 seconds, with most people preferring between 2 and 5 seconds and none preferring less than 1 second or more than 9 seconds. The thinking is that anything too short makes you seem shifty and anything too long makes you look like a creeper.
How to make it actionable: Look people in the eye while being cognizant on how long you maintain eye contact.
What are some other quick tips related to eye contact communication? – Use it or Lose It
Some of these are obvious, some I already knew, and some were new to me. Also, many of these are dependent on the situation, so you will need to apply them situationally:
Greater eye contact is usually associated with dominance, confidence, and credibility. It can also reflect integrity, comfort, and sincerity while communicating. It also makes you seem more warm, personable, and likable.
Less eye contact is usually associated with passivity, being submissive or trying to hide something. It can also be that they are shy, have a short attention span or that they find you boring!
Having good eye contact is a way to show that you are a good listener and paying attention as it shows engagement. Listen with your eyes as well as your ears!
It is a great way to build a connection and rapport with someone as it builds trust be showing self-assurance and confidence.
No eye contact could mean you don’t like the person, don’t want to listen to them, may not want to listen to them or and may be uncomfortable around them.
It can help you gauge whether someone is in a good or bad mood and whether or not they are open to talking.
And of course, it is very important in flirting – but that is the subject of an upcoming post – so stay tuned!
An interesting study showed that kids who avoid eye contact while trying to answer a question answered correctly more than those who maintained eye contact. It turns out that the act of making eye contact takes up brainpower which reduces the ability to process a mentally demanding topic. So, when trying to think it may be better to break off eye contact.
Back to the Staring Contest
So we were a couple minutes into the staring contest, he was an admirable foe – I must give credit where credit is due. Then someone called his name. Being the new guy, he had to break his stare and be respectful and respond.
As much as I wanted to declare victory, I couldn’t as I knew deep down it would have been a shallow victory. It would have to go down in the books as a ‘no-decision’.
The good thing was that we were in another meeting together in a couple days where we could settle the score once and for all.
In the meantime, I ran into a couple colleagues of mine separately who both asked if I had met the new guy yet. And they both had the same observation and asked if I noticed that he stares a lot.
I WAS WRONG!
Apparently, my body language and eye contact communication skills weren’t as good as I thought they were. I had totally misread the situation in the meeting the previous day.
Turns out he wasn’t having a staring contest with me after all.
Turns out he was just a weird and creepy dude!
I need to add a point to one of the bullets above. If not engaged in a staring contest, stares can communicate hostility, intrigue or attraction – it can also make you look like a creep, so don’t stare too long!
Until next time, stop staring, keep improving your eye contact communication skills and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick
When to Use It:
It is always important to use good eye contact communication.
What Do You Think?
What are your thoughts on eye contact communications? Is it something you pay much attention to? Will you pay more attention to it after reading this post? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
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References
1 Navarro, J., & Karlins, M. (2008). What every BODY is saying: An ex-FBI agent’s guide to speed reading people. New York, NY: Collins.
http://rsos.royalsocietypublishing.org/content/3/7/160086
The easiest way to maintain eye contact without actually staring at a person is to focus on the center of their forehead.
How do you deal with someone wearing dark sunglasses, or like I wear, photo gray regular glasses?
So, that’s a great and interesting question, Dave. I once read that people’s confidence increases wearing sunglasses because it hides their eyes/emotions and makes them feel powerful and unpredictable which leads to more confidence. It would be interesting to see a study on reading other peoples emotions/expressions with sunglasses vs. without. It gives a whole new meaning to the old Corey Hart song, “I Wear My Sunglasses at Night”.