How to Use Conflict Resolution Strategies in Your Relationships

Jul 2018

This week’s video will introduce you to conflict resolution strategies and in particular, a 5 step model that you can use to resolve conflicts you are having in long-term relationships.

Conflicts in long-term relationships are part of the human condition. However, conflicts do not have to end with someone winning and someone losing. Assertive people can resolve conflicts with all participants still respecting each other by using certain conflict resolution strategies.

Five typically used conflict resolution strategies for long-term relationships

(1) Avoiding/denying a situation to stop conflict is a bad approach.

(2) Giving in is a bad approach.

(3) Blaming the other person is a bad approach.

(4) A compromise is a good approach if it creates a “no lose” or “win-win” solution; otherwise, it is a bad approach.

(5) An integrative solution is built on the equality and viewpoints of all participants. All participants are open and honest, not deceptive and manipulative. They build trust to develop a wise and workable long-term solution. It is not easy, but this is a good approach.

Integrative solutions frequently do not work in short-term-relationships for example, buying a used car. The salesperson wants a high price and you want a low price, the two of you bargain, then you may never see each other again. This kind of tough, unsympathetic, self-centered, often manipulative, deceptive and hostile negotiating involves great skills.

5 Steps for Resolving Conflicts in Long-Term Relationships

STEP ONE: View the participants in the conflict as equals…

…trying to solve a problem to their mutual advantage.

For example, you are having a fight with your wife about a quickie nooner because you are horny now. However, there are workers in the house who just started a 6-month renovation.

Clearly, you are not treating your wife as an equal.

STEP TWO: Identify the viewpoints of all participants of the Conflict (OPV).

Continuing with the nooner example. You need to understand why your wife doesn’t want to do it.

She is embarrassed that they will hear her screaming with pleasure because she is a really noisy one.

STEP THREE: Develop alternative solutions to the conflict that results in a “win-win” situation.

Now, you need to sit down with your wife and come up with some alternative solutions for future nooners during the 6-month renovation, you could:

A. Do it in the soundproof attic.
B. Do it in the shed behind the house.
C. Do it in the workers truck while they are in the house.

STEP FOUR: All participants in the conflict review and select the “win-win” solutions.

Here the couple would sit down and discuss the alternatives from step 3.

Both agree to put a mattress in the soundproof attic and moan away.

STEP FIVE: Try out the “win-win” solution for a limited time period.

You proceed to go at it in the attic only to find out that the workers keep their tools up there and they interrupt you.

I guess next time, you should do it in their truck!

Use It or Lose It:

To deal with conflict resolution in long-term relationships, simply follow the 5 step model we have just discussed, which is the best of the conflict resolution strategies we covered.

When to Use It:

When you find yourself in a conflict with someone who you have a long-term relationship with.

What Do You Think?

Why do you think this model would or wouldn’t work for you? Please discuss in the comments below.

Until next time, behave and as always…Prime Your Pump!
–Howie

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Good morning Howie. Today you touched on two activities that I am quite familiar with – cars and quickies. When purchasing a vehicle (either new or used), I have always dealt from a position of strength – that is I tell the salesman “I will write you a check and drive the car home for ‘x’ dollars.” That immediately puts them on the defensive. But it works. My process totally amazed my daughter when she needed a ‘new’ car after her 23 year old hand-me-down wagon decided to go wheels up. I told Amy and Mark to go out and find something, then I will close the deal. So we visit a dealer where she had picked out a 3-year old low mileage Toyota sedan. Amy had told me the asking price, to which I answered “that’s all I need to know”. She drove it home that afternoon. No haggling or anything. We win! I take a similar approach on new cars, the baseline now being the dealer’s Factory Invoice Price. I don’t care what the window sticker says, I just ask to see documentation of the FIP for the car I’m interested in.

Now, on to the quickies, a subject that I am intimately familiar with, pardon the pun. We have never really had a conflict regarding quickies, it’s mainly a matter of spontaneity when the mood was right and the kid was otherwise occupied – like a nap, in school, or visiting at a friend’s house. Our house does not have an attic, but there are 7 other rooms that are available, not including the garage. Of course, once our daughter went off to college, there were no limitations except for the one rule that has always been followed – close the blinds. And a loud moan is a sign that you are doing things right.

Actually, the easiest way for conflict resolution is to repeat the mantra “she is always right”. In the process of redoing our house, basically my approach became “do pretty much whatever you want”. My wife picked out the colors for the rugs and the paint, the style for the new banister and railing for the steps, and she dragged me along to look at furniture, which is about as exciting as watching cement harden. I mean, a chair is a chair. You plop your ass down, open a beer, and watch TV. Your ass does not care about fabric color or patterns.

Although sometimes it’s difficult for her to make a decision. About 10 years ago, she (not me) decided it’s time for new kitchen wallpaper. When it comes to wallpaper, she’s an absolute wizard at hanging it, but picking out a pattern – that’s entirely different. After months of looking in stores and at sample books, she just could not decide. So I tagged along on the next expedition, we tried a store near where our daughter lives. I look around, see a pattern, and say “that one”. She agreed. And that’s the wallpaper we bought. I mean, it took me 3 minutes.

Enough babbling about my domestic situation. Stop reading now, take your wife, and go to the beach!

One Reply to “How to Use Conflict Resolution Strategies in Your Relationships”

Dave Savadge says:

July 20, 2018 at 1:02 pm

Good morning Howie. Today you touched on two activities that I am quite familiar with – cars and quickies. When purchasing a vehicle (either new or used), I have always dealt from a position of strength – that is I tell the salesman “I will write you a check and drive the car home for ‘x’ dollars.” That immediately puts them on the defensive. But it works. My process totally amazed my daughter when she needed a ‘new’ car after her 23 year old hand-me-down wagon decided to go wheels up. I told Amy and Mark to go out and find something, then I will close the deal. So we visit a dealer where she had picked out a 3-year old low mileage Toyota sedan. Amy had told me the asking price, to which I answered “that’s all I need to know”. She drove it home that afternoon. No haggling or anything. We win! I take a similar approach on new cars, the baseline now being the dealer’s Factory Invoice Price. I don’t care what the window sticker says, I just ask to see documentation of the FIP for the car I’m interested in.

Now, on to the quickies, a subject that I am intimately familiar with, pardon the pun. We have never really had a conflict regarding quickies, it’s mainly a matter of spontaneity when the mood was right and the kid was otherwise occupied – like a nap, in school, or visiting at a friend’s house. Our house does not have an attic, but there are 7 other rooms that are available, not including the garage. Of course, once our daughter went off to college, there were no limitations except for the one rule that has always been followed – close the blinds. And a loud moan is a sign that you are doing things right.

Actually, the easiest way for conflict resolution is to repeat the mantra “she is always right”. In the process of redoing our house, basically my approach became “do pretty much whatever you want”. My wife picked out the colors for the rugs and the paint, the style for the new banister and railing for the steps, and she dragged me along to look at furniture, which is about as exciting as watching cement harden. I mean, a chair is a chair. You plop your ass down, open a beer, and watch TV. Your ass does not care about fabric color or patterns.

Although sometimes it’s difficult for her to make a decision. About 10 years ago, she (not me) decided it’s time for new kitchen wallpaper. When it comes to wallpaper, she’s an absolute wizard at hanging it, but picking out a pattern – that’s entirely different. After months of looking in stores and at sample books, she just could not decide. So I tagged along on the next expedition, we tried a store near where our daughter lives. I look around, see a pattern, and say “that one”. She agreed. And that’s the wallpaper we bought. I mean, it took me 3 minutes.

Enough babbling about my domestic situation. Stop reading now, take your wife, and go to the beach!