3 Questions That Will Help You Connect with Others
It may be one of the most common questions that we both ask and are asked every day. Yet, it is arguably also one of the most mindless and it doesn’t exactly help us connect with others either!
I will let you see if you can figure out the question I am talking about before I reveal it a little later in this post. Before we get to that let’s first discuss why it is important to connect with others, how we can use questions to connect with others, and finally some alternative questions we can ask to the mystery one in the sentence above.
Why is it so important for us to connect with others?
While there are many reasons, Warren Berger author of The Book of Beautiful Questions: The Powerful Questions That Will Help You Decide, Create, Connect, and Lead says being happier is a prime reason:
“But research suggests that if we truly want to be happy, we need more of that old-fashioned direct human contact, particularly as it reaches a level of closeness that might be termed “companionship.”…People who have companionship are not only happier and healthier, but they also are likely to have a great sense of “meaning” in their lives, according to the findings of The Power of Meaning author Emily Esfahani Smith. This is true in terms of closeness to family and friends, but it also extends to the workplace, studies show. For many—and for millennials in particular—having friends at work is critical to being happy at work and is considered more important, even, than the size of the paycheck.” 1
Why Can Questions Help Us Better Connect with Others?
There are a couple of things that questions can do if formulated and asked the correct way. First, by asking questions of the other person it shows that you are interested in the other person. Second, when you ask someone something it gives them a chance to tell you something about themselves. Once this happens, you then have an opportunity to respond to whatever it is they tell you.
In essence, what questions do is show them that you are interested, it helps establish understanding and it helps create rapport.
Just think about professions where being able to connect with others is paramount to their success – coaches, therapists, negotiators, salespeople. The one thing they have in common is that they use questions, typically open-ended ones, as their primary tool to connect with others.
The Aspect of Questioning That is Just as Important as the Words That We Use
While the wording of the questions those professionals ask is critical, there is something else that is just as important.
According to Robin Dreeke, former head of the counterintelligence behavioral analysis program at the FBI, that something is their attitude when asking the questions:
“Am I genuinely interested in the other person? Am I able to put my ego aside and suspend all judgment? Lastly, am I prepared to truly listen, as opposed to just acting as if I am listening? If you don’t do all of these things, it can undermine the rapport you’re trying to build with your questions.” 1
So, it’s not just the words that we use but also the interest that we show in the other person as well as the body language we exhibit and the attitude of being fully present in listening to what they are saying.
The Art of Asking Better Questions
There are a few things that we can all do that will help us ask questions that are authentic and rooted in curiosity to better connect with others :
(1) Instead of asking “yes or no” questions, instead, ask questions that are open-ended.
(2) Try to suspend judgment and refrain from giving advice and utilize effective listening techniques to really try to understand what the other person is saying.
(3) After listening carefully, follow up on what the other person is saying by following up with questions that help you probe even deeper.
It Is Time to Reveal the Mystery Question from the Introduction…
While questions can be a great way to connect with others, many of us don’t ask the best ones. One of the questions we ask the most is the mindless – “how are you?”
As Berger says:
“However, at critical moments of introduction or reintroduction, we tend to rely on generic, superficial questions—How are you? How’s it going? What’s new? These rote questions lack the ingredients—genuine interest, curiosity, and wonder—that tend to invite a more meaningful answer. A rote question often evokes a rote answer followed by an echo of the original rote question (“How are you?” “Fine. How are you?”). Instead of providing a good starting point it is more apt to be a conversation stopper.” 1
Going Beyond “How are you?” – Questions to Ask Instead!
Ok, so if we aren’t going to ask, “how are you?” – what should we ask instead?
As Chris Colin and Rob Baedeker, authors of What to Talk About advise, “A good way to get beyond small talk is to ask open-ended questions that invite people to tell stories, rather than give bland, one-word answers.” 1
Let’s now look at 3 questions that we can ask other than “how are you?” to connect with others better:
(1) What was the best/most interesting thing that happened to you today?/this week?/over the weekend?
(2) What in your life at the moment excites you the most?
(3) What are you most excited about at this event?
They also suggest 3 questions that you can ask instead of asking someone what they do:
(1) What is something that you are the most passionate about?
(2) If you could solve one problem, what would it be?
(3) When you were a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
The Idea Behind These Types of Questions…
…is to move from questions that are closed and require simple “yes or no” or factual answers and to move to more open-ended questions that require more of a story, feeling or experience.
By using this type of “open up and go deep” type of questioning strategy it will no doubt help you better connect with others!
How to Respond to “How are you?”
Rather than respond with the typical “Fine” or “Good”, why not come up with something creative to at least make the other person smile…
“If I was any finer, I’d be China!”
“Better now that I get to talk to you!”
“Let’s just say that if I had a tail, I’d wag it!”
“Metaphysically? Spiritually? Physically? Philosophically? I’m not sure what you mean!”
“I’m just trying to avoid any ambiguous questions right now!”
Then you can follow their mindless question with a better one:
“So, tell me about the most interesting thing that has happened to you today?”
Until next time, connect with others better by asking questions, AND other than this scintillating blog post let me know in the comments below what in your life excites you the most these days — and as always…PYMFP!
–Rick
Use it or Lose It
3 questions that we can ask other than “how are you?” to connect with others better:
(1) What was the best/most interesting thing that happened to you today?/this week?/over the weekend?
(2) What in your life at the moment excites you the most?
(3) What are you most excited about at this event?
3 questions that you can ask instead of asking someone what they do:
(1) What is something that you are the most passionate about?
(2) If you could solve one problem, what would it be?
(3) When you were a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
When to Use It
Use these questions to better connect with others in your everyday life.
What Do You Think?
What do you think of these questions to connect better with others? Do you have any other questions you use to connect better with others? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!
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References
1 The Book of Beautiful Questions: The Powerful Questions That Will Help You Decide, Create, Connect, and Lead by Warren Berger
I think the salutations that include , I.e; hi or how are you- are appropriate for acquaintances. These might include the cashier at checkout or someone you regularly pass on the street or at the gym. I can’t imagine asking the cashier what she is most passionate about LOL. However, the questions you suggested are great for pursuing a friendship or relationship. They would definitely show sincere interest. Thanks Rick
Hi Eileen, You make a great point – probably not a good idea to ask these in passing or to complete strangers, although who knows – you may get some interesting answers or make some new friends!!! Have a great one and thanks! Rick
I immediately guessed the ‘how are you’ question. When I attend historical research conventions or symposiums, the easiest way to engage someone in a conversation is to ask “what’s your specialty’ or ‘what are you researching now’. Their answer is quite often something esoteric or extremely specialized, which then leads to the next question “how did you become interested in the mating rituals of the Mississippi wombat?” By the way, when having such discussions, it helps immensely that each person has a beer, and when its time for refills, you each take turns buying.
You kind of get the idea, let the person talk about his interests. You may know nothing about the subject, but can still expand the conversation with targeted questions. And you will learn something new.
Thought for the weekend: “I can be an out-of-the-box thinker, depending on the size of the box.”
Hi Dave, Of course you guessed it, I expected nothing less! Great comment, I like how you ask open-ended questions and then use what you learn to probe deeper and keep the conversation going, and the libations definitely help! Your 49ers looked good on Sat, that D, especially the dline is extremely impressive. They will be tough to beat! Have a great week! Rick